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The Pursuit of Happiness

“Once we’ve achieved what we have always wanted, we suddenly discover a new need, a new sense of something lacking. And so we travail on, in search of this new accomplishment, this new change-of-life, in the hope that, this time, the sense of contentment will be permanent…But then, when you have reached this new plateau of achievement you find yourself wondering: can you sustain this all now? Might it slip away from you? Or -worse yet – might you tire of it all, and discover that what you had in the past was actually what you wanted all along?” Douglas Kennedy -Temptation 

I have not written for a long time for the main reason that lock down has really tested my limits, but, as well as and as a product of this, I have learnt some powerful lessons. 

When people first started talking about the possibility of lock down, I honestly could not fathom it, and then when it did hit,  full blown panic set it. I would go through these motions of, ‘what am I going to do?’ All the things in my life that I have built and created to keep me sane are being taken away from me. Seeing friends, the gym, my job to a certain degree, all of those interactions with people that I thrive on – gone, and my biggest fear: ‘how am I going to cope with my children?’  I would then get the guilt of ‘well, why can’t you cope just being at home with your kids? What’s wrong with me for feeling like this? I must be a bad person to panic about being at home with them that much?’ In those first few weeks I went into meltdown and was feeling jealous and angry at others – even very close friends who appeared to be enjoying aspects, scrolling through social media feeling bitter at people baking, and taking romantic walks and then again feeling self loathing at – ‘what was wrong with me? I should be OK, I love my family – why do I feel like this?’ It was from this though that I managed – through the patience of my friends and my beautiful children, to pull myself together. I have learnt so much and although it has been a painful journey I am starting to come out of the other side. 

The first route out was a brutally honest conversation I had with a friend, through this friend they taught me that just because some people are doing something that I can’t do, or is different to me, does not make it a negative about me and that everyone is struggling in their own way and are finding ways to make it through. I have taken this advice to heart as I have spent time realising that I had been using this coping mechanism with everything in my life. Someone bakes some bread – ‘well I can’t’ cook so I am shit’. I needed to take the lessons learned from exercise and fitness – how I used to feel about that and the people that did it, I needed to apply that to all areas of life. 

The other aspect that has helped was running. I had started running with a friend before and had enjoyed it but not really focused on it, it was more of an add on to the gym and a way to spend time with a friend. When lock down started – I truly thought that I could not run without this friend and that again sent me into a spiral of negativity. I then decided to try it, more as a way to take a break from the house, I also decided to run to music. Music is a very powerful motivator and I spent quite a substantial amount of time constructing a motivating playlist. I also got better running shoes (for those new to running and on a budget I highly recommend Adidas galaxy running trainer around £40), I then got a strap for my arm to track my distance – again this helps as I like to know how fast and have goals. I then started to go at 5pm and guess what? I loved it, and realised that I could go quite a lot faster with music. These small successes of beating my minute per mile, is what I needed to feel like I was achieving something, and the rush of getting faster and faster was a feeling that I have become a bit addicted to. I now run as often as I can – but have to be careful as novice runners like myself are prone to injuries especially if you try to push it too much. I recommend picking a good 5 k route and working on that until you are at a pace you are happy with then upping if from there. I also recommend the free adidas running app as it is so motivational and helps track progress effectively. 

I also panicked about not being able to go to the gym as again I thought there would be no way I could maintain what I had gained through the gym – that it was the gym space, the equipment, the whole aspect of being in a different environment that was at the core of my drive. As time has passed I have realised that it doesn’t have to be like that – the motivation comes from inside – the space/place should not be at the heart. I have understood the power of simple body weight exercises, carving out a little space in your home, using youtube, finding routines that work. Press ups, jump squats, pull ups, dips on a bench, skipping are all amazing ways to build fitness and require so  little. I knew that if I didn’t get some sort of routine with my fitness and adapt I really would be screwed, with the kids around it is harder, but I often get them to do Joe Wicks and I do it with them and then adapt, when Jon is home, I have made a space upstairs which i call my ‘home gym’, I have created my own routines and schedules and just up the reps or sets when you can’t up the weights. Heather Robertson is also an excellent trainer to follow on youtube – her work outs are simple and minimal talking. 

My final ‘lesson’ and perhaps the most important one. Reasling that just ‘being’ with my children without having millions of activities and plans was not something to fear. I think deep down maybe I have hid from being a mum in part and hid behind work because I was scared that I wouldn’t be very good at it, I don’t bake, I am messy and lax about rules. I was forced, under lock down to actually reconnect with that side of me and find my own way. Being honest, it has pushed my patience to its limits and I have missed adult company, but I have found that my three little bears are the biggest teachers of all. They just want me, they don’t care if I am not good at something, they just want my time and for the first time in forever I have been able to give it to them. I still can’t bake, but I have also learnt so much about them and how good fun they can be,I am also a very good goalkeeper and great at being a dinosaur and attempting dance routines (I still can’t dance). 

I believe that – for me and I know is true for society we are constantly searching for something, rushing around, trying to do better, have a goal, and aspects of that are great – but sometimes in all this searching you have missed your actual life, too busy going on to the next thing. Once I had got over, what felt like the microscope on my marriage and my parenting I have worked out that I am the only one who was judging, and that if I just take the pressure off I can get the joy out of the small things, and that I can just ‘be’ and enjoy my coffee, playing. I still have days where I am tearing my hair out and trying to juggle three little separate demands and trying to do my job has been very testing but I don’t need to be the top of the class, they don’t care – they think I am great and that is enough. 

Thanks for reading – please get in touch with your lock down struggles, I can also share my workouts and running playlists if anyone is interested 

Love always

Ruby

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The Brave and the Bold

“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.” Brene Brown

It has been awhile since I have written – this is partly due to a mini crisis of confidence – (why am I writing a blog? What’s the point? etc etc) but also due to the summer holidays. Summer holidays are great but they also present some challenges, such as keeping three small people entertained and from killing each other. So far we have managed to do that and I have also managed to be in keeping with taking up new challenges – again things that I would not have thought possible two years ago. 

Before I go in this I had said in my previous blog that I was going to write about going to gyms. I wanted to mention some of my experiences and then some tips that have helped me enjoy going rather than seeing them as palaces of doom. 

I had never really been to gyms, when I was at college and university everyone smoked and drank coffee and never went to gyms, gyms were for only the exceptionally sporty – an alien race for me growing up. Fast forward to 2019 and gyms are everywhere and are commonplace in our society, but for me they still held connotations of a world that was removed from me, attractive people being good at sport and everyone staring at everyone else. Don’t get me wrong some gyms are still like this and even recently I went to one and had a small panic attack and was glad to leave, but there are also many that are not like that or not like that at certain times. 

Anyway, below are some tips below which I feel have helped me: 

  1. Wear something you feel good in, I would go with all black – leggings and top (loose if you are anxious), decent trainers (TK maxx for all of the above). If you feel comfortable and OK and don’t have holes in the crotch this will help. When I first went to a gym, I didn’t have the right clothes – I had old maternity trousers with hole in the crotch and I was standing next to this woman who was like a goddess – and I wanted to cry and nearly ran out – but I had a very good friend with me (remember the power of the right people?) and it was OK, but dont wear clothes with holes in, or stand next to the goddess’s. 
  1. Do your research of gyms – this can unfortunately only be achieved by going – day passes are a good idea and many do open days/free trials. Different gyms suit different people AND also think about the times – go when you will actually be able to go – then you can see the type of crowd that go when you do. My gym is great when I go Saturday mornings – quiet, lots of older people, not too many maniacs but at certain times when I have changed my schedule – it’s been full of young people and very crowded 
  1. You don’t need a personal trainer if you have a good experienced friend to show you how to use the equipment. I have seen many personal trainers who basically aren’t very good and if you do use one – use your trial gym sessions to watch them with other clients or go on a recommendation
  1. If you feel super anxious when you first start going I would just head to a stationary bike or treadmill and go on there for about 15/20 minutes just to get your bearings and calm down and get adjusted to the new environment. 
  1. If you really really hate it and you have tried a few gyms several times then maybe gyms aren’t for you and thats OK to, there are lots of other things you can try (more on that in the future). 

I have actually been going to the gym less this holiday and this is not just due to a lack of opportunity. It has been down to me having the confidence and desire to try other activities. I have started playing…netball!  Netball used to produce some sort of allergic reaction in me and made me think of scary big girls who were super competitive and popular, but thanks to some encouragement from a friend, I went to play in a casual ‘back to netball’ scheme. It was amazing, and I loved it, partly because everyone was so friendly and even though most of the players were more experienced than me, they totally encouraged and supported me and I have been again and am even thinking about joining a team – literally when I told my mum she was so shocked as in her mind she remembers the old me who would have rather put my hand in a wasps nest then done anything like that. 

The other activity that I have tried is..surfing! This one was not quite as successful – not in terms of how I felt but in how hard it was! This one is one that has been something that I have admired from afar and have always believed that its one of those activities that goes beyond being a sport for the mental health benefits that this brings has been widely documented. So I tried with my daughter and although I was pretty awful what I liked about it was that for the first time in as long as I can remember, I wasn’t thinking about anything else but just the sea, not what I looked like or how I was letting myself down, it was completely clear – which was a very powerful feeling. I also loved the fact that I was doing something like this with my daughter rather than standing on the sidelines. 

A friend of mine said it was about being brave and bold and this is the attitude I am trying to adopt in all areas – if I can do these two things in a month – what else is possible?

Thanks for reading

Ruby x

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The Healing Power of Movement

“in becoming human, man had acquired, together with his straight legs and striding walk, a migratory ‘drive’ or instinct to walk long distances through the seasons; that this ‘drive’ was inseparable from his central nervous system; and that, when warped in conditions of settlement, it found outlets in violence, greed, status-seeking or a mania for the new.” 
― Bruce Chatwin, Anatomy of Restlessness: Selected Writings 1969-1989

In the last post, I started to talk about changing what you think is the unchangeable, parts of you that you think are fixed and will be there forever. Exercise is one of those for me – which is what has motivated me to start this blog. This is also intertwined with another aspect that I have believed was ingrained in who I was.

From as long as I can remember I was always referred to as a ‘worrier’ by my parents and people that knew me. Worrying is my default setting, when everything gets too much to cope with I worry, I worry about worrying, I make lists, both physical and mental of my worries and religiously review them, my worry is that if I forget to worry about something then I will be caught by surprise and then something will happen that I won’t have accounted for.  There have been points where this has controlled me to such an extent that it has prevented me from being ‘present’ in my life. You feel trapped in cycle that you can’t seem to stop, only muffle it sometimes, it’s like trying to push your covers every morning to start the day, accept some days the cover is like lead and it becomes harder and harder to lift it.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety, panic disorder, depression and post-natal depression three times, have been on a variety of medications and have felt at times that I have no grip on these feelings.  I just assumed I was born this way and would have to spend my life managing these ‘conditions’.

The one thing I never tried was exercise. There has been countless research into the positive effects of exercise on mental health, but due to my phobia of my body, I never thought that this would be something that would help me, only hinder.

It has only been recently that I appear to have found a relatively stable period and I now know that this is due to me overcoming my fear and having exercise and movement as integral and necessary parts of my life.

I had always known that walking had always helped me when I felt like I couldn’t cope. I used to walk for miles and miles when I was really struggling so deep down understood that movement was therapeutic. The more I have thought about this, read and talked to others I believe in what Bruce Chatwin, the travel writer says above, that our lack of movement in the modern world has led to many problems, and that nomadic and less settled societies seem to be much more at peace and less riddled with the anxiety and pressures that settled people do. I am no anthropologist but I am drawn to the belief that we need to move for our mental well -being.

I find that now when I do not exercise or have had a break many of my ‘worries’ feel out of control again, I feel agitated and anxious – so exercise has become part of my treatment. I do still feel that it will always be a part of who I am, but it does not define me or control me as it once does, I do not feel so powerless as I once did.

Exercise can help you regain parts of your life both physically and mentally. When I have felt desperate and like I am losing my grip – it has helped me get back on an even keel. You feel empowered when you make progress and see changes, you think – ‘Well I never thought I could do that, so what else could I do?’

It is never too late to start to make these changes, and these changes can be small but have a huge impact.

I will talk next time about some changes to try if you are new to exercise and/or like me feel terrified at the prospect, how to enter a gym without having a break down and that having an inspiring and supporting network will be the key to making these changes happen.

Please let me know your thoughts, especially of mental health is something you have struggled with like me!

Lots of Love

Ruby

Embracing being alone

‘Alone by herself, she built the kingdom she wanted’ R.H. SIN

A substantial amount of time has passed, once again a ridiculous amount has happened and change is once again afoot. A half marathon run (yes I bloody did it!), a promotion, a COVID Christmas, a break up are to name a few just give more evidence for the inability of life to stay still. Proof that once again how one feels right now is not how one is going to feel in the future. This constant change used to give me a huge sense of fear – both in feeling happy (that that feeling would not be sustained and be snatched away) and when in the grips of anxiety – that this would last forever. Pain is not permanent and the avoidance of pain should not be what drives our decisions and actions.

It is reminding myself of this that I made a recent decision to approach my relationships from this very idea. I am embarking, at the moment, on the greatest relationship of all, a relationship with myself. After attempting to avoid pain and wanting to feel safe and loved I felt that actually staying in these relationships didn’t provide respite from any of these. I used to believe that being alone would cause me to behave in destructive ways – that I needed a person to answer to and to be my anchor. I could not possibly know what is best for me so best hand that responsibility to someone else. Having these ‘stories’ about myself drove my needs, thoughts, choices all underground ( I have talked about people pleasing before) and I just accepted what was given, even when it was barely enough. By relying on this learned behaviour, you become reliant on your partner for your validation of everything, so when you don’t get the, ‘you look nice’, or they do not read your blog, or fail to acknowledge any of your achievements, it then turns itself around. The negative thoughts start again, with questions and ideas such as ‘I must be ugly’, ‘this is all I deserve’ ‘I can’t get more because I am not loveable’ and ‘what is wrong with me?’. Having re read Kristen Neff’s Self Compassion (read it, it will change your life!) I discovered that by in attempt to avoid pain I was actually causing myself more of it with these relationships. What if I gave myself the very validation that I had been looking for? By relying on validation from others there will only be disappointment and by accepting what we think we ‘deserve’ we will never be fulfilled.

Since being alone, I have in fact no embarked upon any destructive behaviour (unless you count Tinder, but that’s a story for another day) and have in fact started to enjoy being by myself. I have been making plans for adventures that I want to have and feel a new sense of freedom that I do not have to negotiate with anyone else, or have someone come with me, whose heart isn’t really in it. For the first time my needs are acknowledged and allowed and I can honestly say I feel better about myself and my abilities than I ever have. Maybe one day I may want to share that with someone, but if that doesn’t happen, I am ok with that. I would far rather be living my adventurous life embracing new experiences and saying yes more, than feel unworthy and compromised.

Barriers and Boundaries

“The mind is like a fertile garden,” Bruce said. “It will grow anything you wish to plant—beautiful flowers or weeds. And so it is with successful, healthy thoughts or with negative ones that will, like weeds, strangle and crowd the others. Do not allow negative thoughts to enter your mind for they are the weeds that strangle confidence.”
― Joe Hyams, Zen In The Martial Arts

“Only through practice and more practice, until you can do something without conscious effort.”
― Joe Hyams, Zen in the Martial Arts

Post run – feeling good!

I went for a run last night and after running about two kilometers and I had to stop, I felt exhausted and had a tightness in my chest that I had never experienced before. I started to panic – stopped and took deep breaths until the pain subsided, admitted defeat and walked home. As I was walking a new kind of tightness began this time brought on by feelings of panic, my thoughts racing, ‘what if I can’t run anymore? how I am going to run the half marathon in six weeks? You won’t able to to do it, you have failed, I will never be able to do it.’ This point has been building as in this last week I have been feeling increasingly anxious about the race in September, that my running has plateaued and I have even got slower, finding even my shorter runs more challenging. This anxiety has triggered my old feelings of failure and wanting to give up. It has all been feeling insurmountable.

What is different this time is that I have been developing my knowledge and insight of my old habits and have been taking practical steps to address negative thinking. This time, rather than giving up and writing it off, I have been doing some research into how to up my distance and feel that many of the lessons learned from reading about compassion based thinking will help me.

A book which I have recently read taps into the traps of negative thinking and how it can create barriers to progress is ‘Zen and the Martial Arts’ by Jo Hyames: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Zen-Martial-Arts-Joe-Hyams/dp/0874771013/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=zen+and+the+martial+arts&qid=1628321279&sr=8-2

You might ask, what has this got to do with increasing distance in running? Well, this book was fascinating, it is about martial arts but more so about the philosophy and principles which underpin martial arts which can be used in every aspect of life, running included.

So how is this going to help me and what steps am I going to take? Well the first is to remember that training the mind is just as important as the body – in fact the mental stamina required to keep going is vital but also needs building over time in the same way we train our bodies. One of the ways it suggests to do this – which I am going to start is firstly to constantly remind myself that I have the potential, I could not even do five kilmetres a year ago, now I can do ten, I have proved to myself I can do something I thought I could not do and I can do it again. This reminder can come in the form of mantra, a ‘go to’ when I hit a wall, my mantra will be:

“I have achieved things I have never thought possible”

“Think of what else is possible”

The next method or principle of Zen to adopt is ‘Process over Product”. This can simply be put as ‘learning the mindful trait of the activity itself’. J Hyams. I think what made me panic yesterday was the thought of the race, the deadline, it feels looming. Although I am a advocate of goals and challenges – the book suggests that we can become too focused on the end product and loose the ability to focus on the task at hand, rushing it away and not taking joy from the activity, in the book when Hyams adopts this to his martial arts training he says ‘when I eliminated the deadline from my mind it was like removing a weight from my body.’ He also adopted this method for when he was writing his book, he wrote better and ended up meeting the deadline. This one will be hard, but to remember why I started running and the pure enjoyment I get from running need to be the focus – the race is/was secondary – a celebration of what I have achieved, rather than a barrier.

My final step is that I am going to stop alcohol. I am not usually a fan of total bans – it tends to create cravings and things that are ‘off limits’ then become exciting and ‘forbidden’ which then inevitably leads to failure. I have, however noticed that I my alcohol consumption has increased and is effecting my sleep which of course is going to affect my performance. I am going to try this for this week and see what happens. I feel I need a clear head and if I am to train my mind then having a healthy mind free from the affects of alcohol will be the way forward. My alcohol levels have increased since the break down of my marriage last year and I am acutely aware that it has been used as a crutch and then crutch’s become habits, habits are then relied on and then are hard to break, then they become addictions. I am going to see how this one goes.

Although I felt anxious and disheartened yesterday, I am excited that I am able to see more clearly and apply the lessons I have learned into a way forward rather than entering the cycle of negative thinking. This must be progress surely and hopefully this can manifest itself into kilometres

If anyone has any tips on how to increase the distance – please get in touch!

Love, always

Ruby xx

The L word

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
― Lao Tzu

“You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

This blog is all about the L word, that’s right Love. I am talking about pure love, love with no conditions, strings, control – just the kind that needs to be accepted in order for it to be returned.

What inspired me to write about this (remember theshame is all about a place to be honest and feel better, both physically, mentally and emotionally) was a recent trip that I have made. This trip was one was one that was painful, deeply sad but at the core hugely steeped in love. It was on this visit that I had a huge realization that I think has been a massive turning point and learning experience.

For those that know me and have read my more recent blogs I have been doing much research and reading on the compassion based thinking and lovingkindness philosophy based on work by Kristen Neff and Sharon Salzberg – (to name a few). Inspired by therapy I had and based on Buddhist teachings – I have been exploring this in order to help me over come feelings of shame and unworthiness and to deal with my past and some of my unhealthy behaviors. At the core of this teaching is about learning to accept oneself, deal with past experiences with compassion and find connectedness with other people – rather than seeing them as threats and competition. It is said that if we can learn to live free of judgement and anger of ourselves we can shake the feelings of unworthiness and allow ourselves to be loved and then love others.

So that’s the theory – which sounds great doesn’t it? But what about the reality? I have working hard at doing the reading and practicing the guided meditation recommended by all the authors, but the one area that I am finding the toughest is accepting love and understanding it in its purest form. This maladaptive thinking has manifested itself in my previous romantic relationships – I either went for people unsuitable or unavailable – so their attention would be a prize, seeing others as competition, the object of my affection to be ‘won’. Then when I inevitably lost, this would reaffirm my feelings of not being good enough. Then my longest relationship was with someone who wanted to change me, again adding to my scheme of inadequacy. So as you can see this aspect is my biggest challenge, but these last few days there has been a chink in the armor.

I went to visit my auntie, my mum’s best friend who she known she was sixteen and my dad’s closest sister. She was a very present part of my childhood – we used to spend all our summers there at her cottage in Kent, we picked apples and she took me to Ireland for a summer when I was nine which sparked my love of all things Irish. To put it simply, she is dying – after twelve years of battling cancer – this is the final stint. A stubbornly, independent women, who has traveled the world, raised amazing children, and who is still in her own home is now on the final straight. My dad had warned me what to expect when I went to see her, and I won’t go in to graphic details but I was shocked at her tiny frame.

At first I was deeply sad, shocked and had to take a moment to compose myself and have a cry. However, once I had taken stock, I was amazed that actually – it was still her. She said my hair looked pretty and asked if I wanted anything to eat and when me and my cousins were laughing over funny stories from the past, I glanced over at her and she was quietly laughing, clearly enjoying the life that was still about. Not only that, but the sheer amount of love that was everywhere, my cousin absent mindedly stroking my mums arm, looking at old photographs, to simply stroking my aunties hands, the uncomplicated love that we all had for each other was awesome. This love included me, no conditions just being part of a group of people where there is complete compassion and understanding. I was letting it in.

On the way home I had this urge to message everyone that was important to me, friends that I have pure uncomplicated love for, and realizing that they too feel like that about me. No envy or competition just a love for people that are in my life. I have been feeling like I am starting to accept that people love me and that I have been able to bring some happiness to others – which is an amazing feeling, “With real love we do not focus on the future, on what we want, or what we fear, we can actually allow things to be the way the are.” S. Salzberg: Lovingkindness. More recently – this is helping me accept love in a romantic sense, opening my heart and allowing myself to accept love – and not being terrified that I am duping them into something as I deal with my ‘imposter syndrome’.

I am also learning to feel deep happiness for those I love, even if it does not involve me, seeing there achievements and experiences are ones to be celebrated, rather than feeling a sense of loss, or separateness. This can only happen if we open up, silence that inner critic and treat ourselves with compassion, it is then we can truly experience the pure love that is everywhere, “It is a rare and beautiful quality to feel truly happy when others are happy- when someone rejoices in our happiness we are flooded with respect and gratitude for their appreciation” S. Salzberg: Lovingkindness

Please read, share and comment and read some of these books – it really is life changing

Love always – the purest kind

Ruby xx

Wisdom and Compassion

“True acceptance doesn’t require you to fit in or change who you are. It doesn’t have to be sought; it is given to you.” Yong Kang Chan – A Journey from Loneliness to Deep Connection

” We have become conditioned to compromise and shrink ourselves in order to be liked. The problem is, when you work so hard to get everyone to like you, you very often end up not liking yourself so much.” Reshma Saujani – Brave, Not Perfect

As mentioned before, I have recently signed up for a half marathon for September. It has been one of my goals, I want a medal, I want the acknowledgement. It will demonstrate achievement and will be a physical symbol of how what I once thought was true about me is not. If the myths I once thought were true have been quashed – what else am I capable of?

However positive all this may be – I have been having a nagging sensation about the seeds of my motivation for the half. Maybe what this is about is needing the medical, the recognition from others and most importantly the praise.

This all seemed to feed together when I happened upon a condition that I heard people talking about, people that I knew who thought that I might be affected by it. I believe, since having done some research that it is common amongst many of us and can explain my uneasiness about the marathon and past behaviors.

The first article I read about People Pleasing syndrome shocked me as from the onset I ticked every box

  • Do you apologise often? – yes
  • Do you feel responsible for how other people feel? – yes
  • Do you feel guilty for saying no? – yes again!
  • Do you practice conflict avoidance and have confused boundaries? – guess what? Yes!
  • Do I need praise to feel good? – Oh my goodness!!!!

Deep down, I have always know I have always known that I was a people pleaser. That I find myself in situations where I avoid confrontation, avoid giving my real feelings for the fear of being disliked, of over promising to please then disappointing people when I cannot deliver. Having read some more, it has been said that people pleasing has evolved as a way to maintain connection and closeness – but the crazy thing is – how can any connections be real if you are afraid of being your authentic self? How can you truly be proud of running a half marathon if all you are doing it for is to impress others and get the ‘well done’ that I crave?

This barrier to reaching my full potential completely aligned with two books I have read recently – Loving Kindness by Sharon Salzberg and Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach .

Radical Acceptance: Awakening the Love That Heals Fear and Shame
Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness

These books were recommended a while back when I was having therapy. The type of therapy I was going through was linked to the Buddhist teachings of Compassion based therapy. Very simply put its based on the idea of accepting yourself, accepting others and becoming more interconnected to others, for example if you have compassion for yourself and love yourself more, others will not be threat or competition. Linked to the Buddhist concept of the idea that we suffer as we cannot accept that life is eternally moving, we are always trying to hold on to something and cannot be in the moment. If we can practice compassion and wisdom, we can live a more peaceful and fulfilled life. The idea of acceptance would mean, that I would no longer feel the need for praise and to gratify others, my marathon would be for me and no body else, I could be my true authentic self and take pleasure from my connectedness with others.

Shaolin Kung Fu is one of the oldest and most famous styles of Kung Fu, it combines Chan philosophy and martial arts. A friend cam round the other night and played me a video of their training as they have a passion for martial arts, The reason why I mentioned this was because I was fascinated by the combination of mental and physical training which links to the Buddhist ideas mentioned above. Standing, sleeping, awake or asleep the warrior always practices, the warrior and the person are one. Obviously I am not going to go to China and join the monastery where these monks train every hour of every day but watching the monks train I feel that there is something I can learn from them that would help me over come my people pleasing and increase my stamina to complete my half marathon.

  1. Never give up – if your heart is strong you can accomplish anything
  2. Turn yourself into zero – try and let go of everything that comes into your life, stress, anxiety etc
  3. Meditate – from early morning to late night we are bombarded by messages – these are not good or bad but we can loose track of ourselves in a noisy world
  4. Accept change – Accept that everything moves, moments are moments – let go of the past be in the presen. Embrace every person that you ever meet – be happy and accept people are just moving around
  5. Practise more – talk less

This blog is a bit jumbled, I fear I have tried to create a thread out of things that seem random but actually it simply comes down to this

  • Be a warrior
  • Practise self compassion and compassion to others

I think if I do these things the sky is the limit

Love always

Ruby xx

Fake it to make it

This blog was set up as a place to feel good, let go of shame and for me to tell the story of my grappling with feelings of shame and inadequacy. The blog mainly focuses on how exercise has provided me with tools to do battle with my demons and has given me the power to change the stories that had once thought about myself.

As a place to help people feel good, I am going to talk about my relationship with fake tan. I know that sounds ridiculous but along with exercise – this has without doubt been a huge contributing factor to helping me gain confidence. It feels like the right time to blog about this, the weather is finally changing and I know I can’t be the only one who is feeling apprehensive about summer clothes and unveiling the post-lock down body.

I can guarantee you that there is no better and quicker way to make you feel more body confident than a (fake) tan. I adore fake tan and love looking tanned but have had a long and precarious journey with tanning, from the evils of the sun bed and sun burn, the 50 shades of orange, stinking out the car, tiger stripes and looking like I am radioactive – I have done it all. After this long journey I now consider myself pretty accomplished and knowledgeable enough to share my tips and advice – but as I said it is really about how great it’s made me feel – and as I have said before – this is what this blog i all about.

Me using fake tan and me not!

I had started using sun beds when I was quite young and must admit that I loved the way they made me feel but now I am pushing to 40 and understand the importance of good skin care, as much as I want to be tanned I do not want to be any more wrinkled than I already am. I do not think sunbeds are worth the risk and definitely do not advocate them.

Gradual Tan: After me experimenting with sun beds my first dip into the self tanning world with with Johnson and Johnson’s Holiday skin – it has discontinued but was the first gradual tan on the market, to be fair, it was not great but that was probably more down to my lack of knowledge in application rather than the product. Since then I have tried nearly every gradual tan on the market; Dove, Palmers, Nivea, St Tropez, Skinny Tan, Bondi Sands etc etc.

Pros of gradual tan: Minimal streaking as it is in effect a diluted version of the real stuff so if you are a newbie I would try one of these first. They also double as a moisturiser which means it is quicker as you are ‘missing a step’, many have ingredients that are great for the skin, for example Palmers has coco butter in and leaves the skin super soft. It also fades nicely rather than having to use a tan eraser (more on that later.)

Cons of gradual tan: Some are not always that effective and can take time to build – so not great for a big night out. Although they are weak sometimes they can still streak and because many of them are clear you cannot see where you haven’t blended which can be tricky to sort later. The final drawback for these products is that they often have a limited shade range which can be challenging for darker skins.

How I use: I use gradual tan daily and never miss a day, for me it’s like my base. I find they are also good as a sort of primer for other types of tan which you can layer with. I apply with a mitt just like normal tan and take care of ankles, elbows and where my bum meets the top of my thigh and I normally get one of the children to do my back!!

Click on the web link to buy

Top gradual tans: I would say at the moment my top gradual tans are Bondi Sands Everyday gradual tanning milk https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B013WW6RBS/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1634&creative=6738&creativeASIN=B013WW6RBS&linkCode=as2&tag=622605-21&linkId=6ad3bddf476ea06edd210eaad402c364 It comes in a huge bottle, zero streaks (even when you are in a hurry and have not got a mitt), the color is also perfect for me (I am fair skinned but like to look like I have a decent tan), and very importantly it has a decent smell! My other favorite which you can also use on your face it Vita Liberata Fabulous Self -Tanning Gradual lotion. I have motioned their products before and I honestly think they are great, this one goes on like velvet ( I would use a mitt) and gives aa deeper color than the Bondi sands but shows after just one use. https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B010NL93PI/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1634&creative=6738&creativeASIN=B010NL93PI&linkCode=as2&tag=622605-21&linkId=4d88bcc758b149baa9f0896b3edf7e47

Mousses, lotions, mists and sprays: After I had been using gradual tans for a while I graduated to the next category, these types of tans normally develop in a few hours, have a deeper color and require more preparation and care than other tans. I must say, I used to be quite fearful of these products but if you follow a few simple rules then they are amazing and you won’t look back

How I use: I use once or twice a week, I remove hair and exfoliate well, then apply gradual tan as my primer/moisturise/base and then leave for about twenty mins (dry my hair or some other job). I then use a mitt and apply the product to the mitt rather than directly on to my skin and apply in long sweeping movements, moving down the body rather than in circles. Do tops of hands, and feet last by using the excess on the mitt rather than applying more product – less is more and I must admit my toes can still look orange from time to time. Then wait another twenty minutes and then get dressed and avoid getting the skin wet for about 6-8 hours, the best time to apply is before bed, then in the morning you can rinse off and apply another layer of gradual (this is what I do). I do not use the products on my face as they are usually too harsh for my skin!

Top Mousses, lotions, mists and sprays: Right now I simply love the classic St Tropez tanning mist, the mist formula does not streak at all and is the best best color for me, it also lasts a good week and does not get too patchy when it fades – which can be a draw back of these types of products. The other ones I love is Bondi Sands (yes them again!) Self tanning foam – I use light/medium but the color is quite subtle – so goof if you’re nervous! https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B01MZG64P9/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1634&creative=6738&creativeASIN=B01MZG64P9&linkCode=as2&tag=622605-21&linkId=f6d0c764059ae5de68e7693934e5eb53

Instant tan: Instant tan for me is used for when I have a special event, haven’t got my legs out in forever or for my face. I think these products need to be viewed like body make up and can make limbs look amazing, flawless and glowy – an instant filter in a tube! These are probably the most challenging to apply, the can look scary when you first apply, and can mark and stain if not rubbed in super quickly – so less is

most defiantly more. Use a mitt again for the body and use long sweeping movements only put a tiny amount on it. The great thing with these products is that you can layer them or if you are brave enough contour or ‘tan-tour’ your face. They also wash off pretty quickly, so need to panic if you make a mistake.

Top instant tans: At the moment my top instant tan for the face is Clinique Self Sun. https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B004385NPC/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1634&creative=6738&creativeASIN=B004385NPC&linkCode=as2&tag=622605-21&linkId=98be9f0044fcfc6ac1552d2c2c0c9004

This took me a while to get the hang of this product and if you apply it too quickly after your face primer (highly recommended) it can go all ‘bitty’ and not go smoothly onto the skin. It also needs to be rubbed in super quickly but having said that its a beautiful sun kissed color that would suit all skin tones and is great for hiding imperfections. I use this for my face day-to- day, and apply after primer but before foundation. The other product which I cannot get enough off is Vita Liberata Body Blur Sunless Glow – I use the shade Latte Light which is the lightest shade but it is still quite dark – so just to be aware. It makes legs look stunning, its fake tan, highlighter and body make up in one and the best thing is is that it doesn’t transfer on to fabrics, its expensive and so I only use this sparingly but if you want a product to make you look and feel great instantly – then this is it!

Last but not least: I wanted to end with some final tips, hopefully you have found this helpful – but as I said, theshame.health.blog is a place to feel good and fake tan can make you feel great, but it takes practice and patience to get the technique right. Remember to use a mitt, use sparingly, don’t rush, be very very sparing on feet, hands and elbows, do not use harsh tans on your face, leave time to get dressed, put Vaseline on your eyebrows when applying face tan – orangey eyebrows are a dead give away, and last but not least paint your nails (even with a mitt tan can get on to the nail bed and give nails a yellowish tinge! not a great look) I recommend a coral shade as that looks great with a tan.

Phew! and there we have it – my longest blog ever about fake tan! Next time I will write about something more deep and meaningful, in the mean time – get your glow on

Love always Ruby

Ending the madness

“What is this self inside us,

this silent observer,

Severe and speechless critic,

who can terrorize us

And urge us on to futile activity

And in the end, judge us

Still more severely

From the errors into which his

own reproaches drove us?” – T.S. Eliot, The Elder Statesman

The title of this blog and the poem have come from a book I have re-read – Self compassion – Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind: Kristin Neff https://www.amazon.co.uk/Kristin-Neff-Self-Compassion/dp/B00NBCZZN6/ref=sr_1_7?dchild=1&keywords=kristin+neff&qid=1625850790&sr=8-7

The reason for me re visiting this book is that I have felt that recently I have been stuck. Stuck, once again in bad habits, negative thinking and beating myself up. My frustration has peaked at the memories of past behavior and the fact that in some ways I am no different to when I was in my 20’s.

Many of my blogs have had the theme of personal growth and the message of ‘look how far I have come’ and ‘look what you can achieve’. Today and the last week, I have felt like a fraud. Repeating the same mistakes over and over. I feel at the moment I am trapped in a cycle of using short term fixes to mask the feelings of inadequacy I have and that in actual fact, apart from exercise – nothing has really changed.

Short term fixes are like a drug – addictive, destructive and leave a sense of shame, but in the short term give you what you need – cover the cracks and give you that short term high. I have always felt that I am not a very good person on the inside, I seem to constantly mess up, am unreliable, flaky, inconsistent, and have never really grown up – bouncing from one thing to another. I know, through thinking back that one of the reasons that I entered my marriage was that it felt safe, anchoring, it could save me from my bad traits, that I couldn’t be trusted to manage life – so I handed myself, gave someone else the job I couldn’t be trusted with.

That has only lasted so long, and I thought – that I was fixed or that those problems and how I was was better than being trapped, and that what I had thought was best for me, was in fact a prison. Now those old behaviors are coming back and I am growing anxious that maybe I was right. I have no regrets but feel that maybe my reasons were true. My growing guilt at failing as a grown up and potentially letting my children down has led my back to the my interest in self compassion. I used to think, when I first read about self-compassion was that it was ‘letting myself off the hook’ and that self compassion is just an excuse for not trying harder. Reading more deeply and being honest with myself it is actually not that at all (although that is a hard default to change!)

True self compassion actually has its roots in Buddhism. It actually can be summed up as a way to stop judging and evaluating yourself altogether in the words of Kristin Neff ‘To stop trying to label ourselves as good and bad and simply accept ourselves with an open heart. To treat ourselves with the same kindness, caring and compassion that we would show a good friend’ K. Neff: Self compassion – Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind. This is much easier said that done and is advocated with meditation and some serious soul searching. I have this nagging voice in my head that any friend of mine would never do or think the things that I do so why should I deserve compassion, that everyone is one step ahead, more organized, less selfish, less impulsive and they do things for the right reasons.

Having said all of this I believe it is the only way to attempt to change and to start moving forward. I desperately want to change and accept myself and feel like I am progressing, rather than feeling trapped in a cycle of negative thoughts. I wanted to have an ‘unconditional friendship with myself’ be a better mum and friend. I feel that guided self compassion can help me achieve this. If I am more self-accepting it will make me have less destructive thoughts, so then I wont need the quick fixes – the behavior which leads to the masking my then I am moving backwards again.

The key to self compassion is guided meditative practice along with other things, and I have started this week with writing my own affirmations. I also have linked this to running – I feel that running for me (as mentioned in previous blogs) can give me that meditative state, as well as helping me feel that things are changing and moving forward. Self -compassion is the only way for me, accepting who I am seems to be the only thing I can do, constantly trying to change and improve is not working, Setting ridiculous goals and then failing – leads to shame which leads to behaviors to cover it up.

I am beginning a journey on the path to self compassion – it is early days and I am going to work super hard at trying to make this work… and will also keep on running…..

If anyone has had any experience with the self compassion therapy approach or the loving kindness meditation approach I would love to hear from you

Love, always and compassion

Ruby x