“Sometimes, people use age as a convenient excuse. ‘I’m too old to start something new’, or, ‘I couldn’t learn that at my age.’ Other people, though, go on to achieve their greatest accomplishments in life in later” years.” Catherine Pulsifer,
This story starts with a beginning. A beginning which was the motivation for this blog and has helped me now know what I want to start doing with my life, what I want to continue with and what I want to ditch.
This beginning, like for so many women (and more increasingly men) was wrapped up in shame.
“Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.” Dictionary definition of the word ‘shame’.
The part of that definition that stuck out for me was, ‘negative evaluation of the self’. That ‘self’ for me was my physical self. My body to me was like an outer shell that was a sentence or a trap. In my inner ‘self’ I felt was the champion, I could rely on that to not let me down, to rise to a challenge, to pass an exam, to talk to strangers. It was my ‘outer self’ that caused ‘feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust and powerlessness’.
This is probably true of how many young people feel, my experience is far from unique (depressingly) and increasingly in the modern age, people are encouraged to feel shame so that businesses can market the supposed ‘solutions’.
My shame manifested itself in the form of absolutely hating sport with every bone in my being. I avoided it at all costs, I used to walk out of the school gates on a Friday lunch time when it was double PE. Sports day, I wouldn’t come in, I forged notes from my mother excusing me for all sorts of varied reasons. I associated any physical activity with the conviction that my body would fail me and this would be made worse by taking place in a public setting. I always wore baggy clothes, avoided boyfriends. Going on holiday proved a challenge, sobbing in changing rooms, almost being embarrassed to have a shower – all created parts of my personality that I believed were cemented forever.
Like I said, my feelings that I felt until recently, are hardly one of a kind, but I would say that I developed a phobia of exercise and my body. My body was an obstacle, one that would always let me down, so I almost denied its existence.
This unhealthy relationship with my outer ‘self’ carried on until around two years ago at the grand old age of 35. I have had three children and by rights this should be an age when the shame of age and post baby body should be evident, but I can honestly say the opposite is true.
I still have my old hang ups and would hardly call myself ‘body confident’ but what I would say is that I have a greater understanding and appreciation of what a body, my body can do. How with the right support network and the right exercises in the right environment has changed my life? I want to be a healthy role model to my children and hope that by proving to them that you can change, embrace yourself both the inner and outer self.
This blog is about sharing that change of mindset and hopefully can help others know that at whatever age, things can change that you thought were unchangeable. I will be sharing how I achieved this, advice that helped me and people that inspired me,
Lots of Love
Ruby
theshamehealth 