“True acceptance doesn’t require you to fit in or change who you are. It doesn’t have to be sought; it is given to you.” Yong Kang Chan – A Journey from Loneliness to Deep Connection
” We have become conditioned to compromise and shrink ourselves in order to be liked. The problem is, when you work so hard to get everyone to like you, you very often end up not liking yourself so much.” Reshma Saujani – Brave, Not Perfect
As mentioned before, I have recently signed up for a half marathon for September. It has been one of my goals, I want a medal, I want the acknowledgement. It will demonstrate achievement and will be a physical symbol of how what I once thought was true about me is not. If the myths I once thought were true have been quashed – what else am I capable of?
However positive all this may be – I have been having a nagging sensation about the seeds of my motivation for the half. Maybe what this is about is needing the medical, the recognition from others and most importantly the praise.
This all seemed to feed together when I happened upon a condition that I heard people talking about, people that I knew who thought that I might be affected by it. I believe, since having done some research that it is common amongst many of us and can explain my uneasiness about the marathon and past behaviors.
The first article I read about People Pleasing syndrome shocked me as from the onset I ticked every box
- Do you apologise often? – yes
- Do you feel responsible for how other people feel? – yes
- Do you feel guilty for saying no? – yes again!
- Do you practice conflict avoidance and have confused boundaries? – guess what? Yes!
- Do I need praise to feel good? – Oh my goodness!!!!
Deep down, I have always know I have always known that I was a people pleaser. That I find myself in situations where I avoid confrontation, avoid giving my real feelings for the fear of being disliked, of over promising to please then disappointing people when I cannot deliver. Having read some more, it has been said that people pleasing has evolved as a way to maintain connection and closeness – but the crazy thing is – how can any connections be real if you are afraid of being your authentic self? How can you truly be proud of running a half marathon if all you are doing it for is to impress others and get the ‘well done’ that I crave?
This barrier to reaching my full potential completely aligned with two books I have read recently – Loving Kindness by Sharon Salzberg and Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach .
These books were recommended a while back when I was having therapy. The type of therapy I was going through was linked to the Buddhist teachings of Compassion based therapy. Very simply put its based on the idea of accepting yourself, accepting others and becoming more interconnected to others, for example if you have compassion for yourself and love yourself more, others will not be threat or competition. Linked to the Buddhist concept of the idea that we suffer as we cannot accept that life is eternally moving, we are always trying to hold on to something and cannot be in the moment. If we can practice compassion and wisdom, we can live a more peaceful and fulfilled life. The idea of acceptance would mean, that I would no longer feel the need for praise and to gratify others, my marathon would be for me and no body else, I could be my true authentic self and take pleasure from my connectedness with others.
Shaolin Kung Fu is one of the oldest and most famous styles of Kung Fu, it combines Chan philosophy and martial arts. A friend cam round the other night and played me a video of their training as they have a passion for martial arts, The reason why I mentioned this was because I was fascinated by the combination of mental and physical training which links to the Buddhist ideas mentioned above. Standing, sleeping, awake or asleep the warrior always practices, the warrior and the person are one. Obviously I am not going to go to China and join the monastery where these monks train every hour of every day but watching the monks train I feel that there is something I can learn from them that would help me over come my people pleasing and increase my stamina to complete my half marathon.
- Never give up – if your heart is strong you can accomplish anything
- Turn yourself into zero – try and let go of everything that comes into your life, stress, anxiety etc
- Meditate – from early morning to late night we are bombarded by messages – these are not good or bad but we can loose track of ourselves in a noisy world
- Accept change – Accept that everything moves, moments are moments – let go of the past be in the presen. Embrace every person that you ever meet – be happy and accept people are just moving around
- Practise more – talk less
This blog is a bit jumbled, I fear I have tried to create a thread out of things that seem random but actually it simply comes down to this
- Be a warrior
- Practise self compassion and compassion to others
I think if I do these things the sky is the limit
Love always
Ruby xx
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