‘Alone by herself, she built the kingdom she wanted’ R.H. SIN
A substantial amount of time has passed, once again a ridiculous amount has happened and change is once again afoot. A half marathon run (yes I bloody did it!), a promotion, a COVID Christmas, a break up are to name a few just give more evidence for the inability of life to stay still. Proof that once again how one feels right now is not how one is going to feel in the future. This constant change used to give me a huge sense of fear – both in feeling happy (that that feeling would not be sustained and be snatched away) and when in the grips of anxiety – that this would last forever. Pain is not permanent and the avoidance of pain should not be what drives our decisions and actions.
It is reminding myself of this that I made a recent decision to approach my relationships from this very idea. I am embarking, at the moment, on the greatest relationship of all, a relationship with myself. After attempting to avoid pain and wanting to feel safe and loved I felt that actually staying in these relationships didn’t provide respite from any of these. I used to believe that being alone would cause me to behave in destructive ways – that I needed a person to answer to and to be my anchor. I could not possibly know what is best for me so best hand that responsibility to someone else. Having these ‘stories’ about myself drove my needs, thoughts, choices all underground ( I have talked about people pleasing before) and I just accepted what was given, even when it was barely enough. By relying on this learned behaviour, you become reliant on your partner for your validation of everything, so when you don’t get the, ‘you look nice’, or they do not read your blog, or fail to acknowledge any of your achievements, it then turns itself around. The negative thoughts start again, with questions and ideas such as ‘I must be ugly’, ‘this is all I deserve’ ‘I can’t get more because I am not loveable’ and ‘what is wrong with me?’. Having re read Kristen Neff’s Self Compassion (read it, it will change your life!) I discovered that by in attempt to avoid pain I was actually causing myself more of it with these relationships. What if I gave myself the very validation that I had been looking for? By relying on validation from others there will only be disappointment and by accepting what we think we ‘deserve’ we will never be fulfilled.
Since being alone, I have in fact no embarked upon any destructive behaviour (unless you count Tinder, but that’s a story for another day) and have in fact started to enjoy being by myself. I have been making plans for adventures that I want to have and feel a new sense of freedom that I do not have to negotiate with anyone else, or have someone come with me, whose heart isn’t really in it. For the first time my needs are acknowledged and allowed and I can honestly say I feel better about myself and my abilities than I ever have. Maybe one day I may want to share that with someone, but if that doesn’t happen, I am ok with that. I would far rather be living my adventurous life embracing new experiences and saying yes more, than feel unworthy and compromised.
“The mind is like a fertile garden,” Bruce said. “It will grow anything you wish to plant—beautiful flowers or weeds. And so it is with successful, healthy thoughts or with negative ones that will, like weeds, strangle and crowd the others. Do not allow negative thoughts to enter your mind for they are the weeds that strangle confidence.” ― Joe Hyams, Zen In The Martial Arts
“Only through practice and more practice, until you can do something without conscious effort.” ― Joe Hyams, Zen in the Martial Arts
Post run – feeling good!
I went for a run last night and after running about two kilometers and I had to stop, I felt exhausted and had a tightness in my chest that I had never experienced before. I started to panic – stopped and took deep breaths until the pain subsided, admitted defeat and walked home. As I was walking a new kind of tightness began this time brought on by feelings of panic, my thoughts racing, ‘what if I can’t run anymore? how I am going to run the half marathon in six weeks? You won’t able to to do it, you have failed, I will never be able to do it.’ This point has been building as in this last week I have been feeling increasingly anxious about the race in September, that my running has plateaued and I have even got slower, finding even my shorter runs more challenging. This anxiety has triggered my old feelings of failure and wanting to give up. It has all been feeling insurmountable.
What is different this time is that I have been developing my knowledge and insight of my old habits and have been taking practical steps to address negative thinking. This time, rather than giving up and writing it off, I have been doing some research into how to up my distance and feel that many of the lessons learned from reading about compassion based thinking will help me.
You might ask, what has this got to do with increasing distance in running? Well, this book was fascinating, it is about martial arts but more so about the philosophy and principles which underpin martial arts which can be used in every aspect of life, running included.
So how is this going to help me and what steps am I going to take? Well the first is to remember that training the mind is just as important as the body – in fact the mental stamina required to keep going is vital but also needs building over time in the same way we train our bodies. One of the ways it suggests to do this – which I am going to start is firstly to constantly remind myself that I have the potential, I could not even do five kilmetres a year ago, now I can do ten, I have proved to myself I can do something I thought I could not do and I can do it again. This reminder can come in the form of mantra, a ‘go to’ when I hit a wall, my mantra will be:
“I have achieved things I have never thought possible”
“Think of what else is possible”
The next method or principle of Zen to adopt is ‘Process over Product”. This can simply be put as ‘learning the mindful trait of the activity itself’. J Hyams. I think what made me panic yesterday was the thought of the race, the deadline, it feels looming. Although I am a advocate of goals and challenges – the book suggests that we can become too focused on the end product and loose the ability to focus on the task at hand, rushing it away and not taking joy from the activity, in the book when Hyams adopts this to his martial arts training he says ‘when I eliminated the deadline from my mind it was like removing a weight from my body.’ He also adopted this method for when he was writing his book, he wrote better and ended up meeting the deadline. This one will be hard, but to remember why I started running and the pure enjoyment I get from running need to be the focus – the race is/was secondary – a celebration of what I have achieved, rather than a barrier.
My final step is that I am going to stop alcohol. I am not usually a fan of total bans – it tends to create cravings and things that are ‘off limits’ then become exciting and ‘forbidden’ which then inevitably leads to failure. I have, however noticed that I my alcohol consumption has increased and is effecting my sleep which of course is going to affect my performance. I am going to try this for this week and see what happens. I feel I need a clear head and if I am to train my mind then having a healthy mind free from the affects of alcohol will be the way forward. My alcohol levels have increased since the break down of my marriage last year and I am acutely aware that it has been used as a crutch and then crutch’s become habits, habits are then relied on and then are hard to break, then they become addictions. I am going to see how this one goes.
Although I felt anxious and disheartened yesterday, I am excited that I am able to see more clearly and apply the lessons I have learned into a way forward rather than entering the cycle of negative thinking. This must be progress surely and hopefully this can manifest itself into kilometres
If anyone has any tips on how to increase the distance – please get in touch!
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ― Lao Tzu
“You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.” ― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper
“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” ― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey
This blog is all about the L word, that’s right Love. I am talking about pure love, love with no conditions, strings, control – just the kind that needs to be accepted in order for it to be returned.
What inspired me to write about this (remember theshame is all about a place to be honest and feel better, both physically, mentally and emotionally) was a recent trip that I have made. This trip was one was one that was painful, deeply sad but at the core hugely steeped in love. It was on this visit that I had a huge realization that I think has been a massive turning point and learning experience.
For those that know me and have read my more recent blogs I have been doing much research and reading on the compassion based thinking and lovingkindness philosophy based on work by Kristen Neff and Sharon Salzberg – (to name a few). Inspired by therapy I had and based on Buddhist teachings – I have been exploring this in order to help me over come feelings of shame and unworthiness and to deal with my past and some of my unhealthy behaviors. At the core of this teaching is about learning to accept oneself, deal with past experiences with compassion and find connectedness with other people – rather than seeing them as threats and competition. It is said that if we can learn to live free of judgement and anger of ourselves we can shake the feelings of unworthiness and allow ourselves to be loved and then love others.
So that’s the theory – which sounds great doesn’t it? But what about the reality? I have working hard at doing the reading and practicing the guided meditation recommended by all the authors, but the one area that I am finding the toughest is accepting love and understanding it in its purest form. This maladaptive thinking has manifested itself in my previous romantic relationships – I either went for people unsuitable or unavailable – so their attention would be a prize, seeing others as competition, the object of my affection to be ‘won’. Then when I inevitably lost, this would reaffirm my feelings of not being good enough. Then my longest relationship was with someone who wanted to change me, again adding to my scheme of inadequacy. So as you can see this aspect is my biggest challenge, but these last few days there has been a chink in the armor.
I went to visit my auntie, my mum’s best friend who she known she was sixteen and my dad’s closest sister. She was a very present part of my childhood – we used to spend all our summers there at her cottage in Kent, we picked apples and she took me to Ireland for a summer when I was nine which sparked my love of all things Irish. To put it simply, she is dying – after twelve years of battling cancer – this is the final stint. A stubbornly, independent women, who has traveled the world, raised amazing children, and who is still in her own home is now on the final straight. My dad had warned me what to expect when I went to see her, and I won’t go in to graphic details but I was shocked at her tiny frame.
At first I was deeply sad, shocked and had to take a moment to compose myself and have a cry. However, once I had taken stock, I was amazed that actually – it was still her. She said my hair looked pretty and asked if I wanted anything to eat and when me and my cousins were laughing over funny stories from the past, I glanced over at her and she was quietly laughing, clearly enjoying the life that was still about. Not only that, but the sheer amount of love that was everywhere, my cousin absent mindedly stroking my mums arm, looking at old photographs, to simply stroking my aunties hands, the uncomplicated love that we all had for each other was awesome. This love included me, no conditions just being part of a group of people where there is complete compassion and understanding. I was letting it in.
On the way home I had this urge to message everyone that was important to me, friends that I have pure uncomplicated love for, and realizing that they too feel like that about me. No envy or competition just a love for people that are in my life. I have been feeling like I am starting to accept that people love me and that I have been able to bring some happiness to others – which is an amazing feeling, “With real love we do not focus on the future, on what we want, or what we fear, we can actually allow things to be the way the are.” S. Salzberg: Lovingkindness. More recently – this is helping me accept love in a romantic sense, opening my heart and allowing myself to accept love – and not being terrified that I am duping them into something as I deal with my ‘imposter syndrome’.
I am also learning to feel deep happiness for those I love, even if it does not involve me, seeing there achievements and experiences are ones to be celebrated, rather than feeling a sense of loss, or separateness. This can only happen if we open up, silence that inner critic and treat ourselves with compassion, it is then we can truly experience the pure love that is everywhere, “It is a rare and beautiful quality to feel truly happy when others are happy- when someone rejoices in our happiness we are flooded with respect and gratitude for their appreciation” S. Salzberg: Lovingkindness
Please read, share and comment and read some of these books – it really is life changing
“True acceptance doesn’t require you to fit in or change who you are. It doesn’t have to be sought; it is given to you.” Yong Kang Chan – A Journey from Loneliness to Deep Connection
” We have become conditioned to compromise and shrink ourselves in order to be liked. The problem is, when you work so hard to get everyone to like you, you very often end up not liking yourself so much.” Reshma Saujani – Brave, Not Perfect
As mentioned before, I have recently signed up for a half marathon for September. It has been one of my goals, I want a medal, I want the acknowledgement. It will demonstrate achievement and will be a physical symbol of how what I once thought was true about me is not. If the myths I once thought were true have been quashed – what else am I capable of?
However positive all this may be – I have been having a nagging sensation about the seeds of my motivation for the half. Maybe what this is about is needing the medical, the recognition from others and most importantly the praise.
This all seemed to feed together when I happened upon a condition that I heard people talking about, people that I knew who thought that I might be affected by it. I believe, since having done some research that it is common amongst many of us and can explain my uneasiness about the marathon and past behaviors.
The first article I read about People Pleasing syndrome shocked me as from the onset I ticked every box
Do you apologise often? – yes
Do you feel responsible for how other people feel? – yes
Do you feel guilty for saying no? – yes again!
Do you practice conflict avoidance and have confused boundaries? – guess what? Yes!
Do I need praise to feel good? – Oh my goodness!!!!
Deep down, I have always know I have always known that I was a people pleaser. That I find myself in situations where I avoid confrontation, avoid giving my real feelings for the fear of being disliked, of over promising to please then disappointing people when I cannot deliver. Having read some more, it has been said that people pleasing has evolved as a way to maintain connection and closeness – but the crazy thing is – how can any connections be real if you are afraid of being your authentic self? How can you truly be proud of running a half marathon if all you are doing it for is to impress others and get the ‘well done’ that I crave?
This barrier to reaching my full potential completely aligned with two books I have read recently – Loving Kindness by Sharon Salzberg and Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach .
These books were recommended a while back when I was having therapy. The type of therapy I was going through was linked to the Buddhist teachings of Compassion based therapy. Very simply put its based on the idea of accepting yourself, accepting others and becoming more interconnected to others, for example if you have compassion for yourself and love yourself more, others will not be threat or competition. Linked to the Buddhist concept of the idea that we suffer as we cannot accept that life is eternally moving, we are always trying to hold on to something and cannot be in the moment. If we can practice compassion and wisdom, we can live a more peaceful and fulfilled life. The idea of acceptance would mean, that I would no longer feel the need for praise and to gratify others, my marathon would be for me and no body else, I could be my true authentic self and take pleasure from my connectedness with others.
Shaolin Kung Fu is one of the oldest and most famous styles of Kung Fu, it combines Chan philosophy and martial arts. A friend cam round the other night and played me a video of their training as they have a passion for martial arts, The reason why I mentioned this was because I was fascinated by the combination of mental and physical training which links to the Buddhist ideas mentioned above. Standing, sleeping, awake or asleep the warrior always practices, the warrior and the person are one. Obviously I am not going to go to China and join the monastery where these monks train every hour of every day but watching the monks train I feel that there is something I can learn from them that would help me over come my people pleasing and increase my stamina to complete my half marathon.
Never give up – if your heart is strong you can accomplish anything
Turn yourself into zero – try and let go of everything that comes into your life, stress, anxiety etc
Meditate – from early morning to late night we are bombarded by messages – these are not good or bad but we can loose track of ourselves in a noisy world
Accept change – Accept that everything moves, moments are moments – let go of the past be in the presen. Embrace every person that you ever meet – be happy and accept people are just moving around
Practise more – talk less
This blog is a bit jumbled, I fear I have tried to create a thread out of things that seem random but actually it simply comes down to this
This blog was set up as a place to feel good, let go of shame and for me to tell the story of my grappling with feelings of shame and inadequacy. The blog mainly focuses on how exercise has provided me with tools to do battle with my demons and has given me the power to change the stories that had once thought about myself.
As a place to help people feel good, I am going to talk about my relationship with fake tan. I know that sounds ridiculous but along with exercise – this has without doubt been a huge contributing factor to helping me gain confidence. It feels like the right time to blog about this, the weather is finally changing and I know I can’t be the only one who is feeling apprehensive about summer clothes and unveiling the post-lock down body.
I can guarantee you that there is no better and quicker way to make you feel more body confident than a (fake) tan. I adore fake tan and love looking tanned but have had a long and precarious journey with tanning, from the evils of the sun bed and sun burn, the 50 shades of orange, stinking out the car, tiger stripes and looking like I am radioactive – I have done it all. After this long journey I now consider myself pretty accomplished and knowledgeable enough to share my tips and advice – but as I said it is really about how great it’s made me feel – and as I have said before – this is what this blog i all about.
Me using fake tan and me not!
I had started using sun beds when I was quite young and must admit that I loved the way they made me feel but now I am pushing to 40 and understand the importance of good skin care, as much as I want to be tanned I do not want to be any more wrinkled than I already am. I do not think sunbeds are worth the risk and definitely do not advocate them.
Gradual Tan: After me experimenting with sun beds my first dip into the self tanning world with with Johnson and Johnson’s Holiday skin – it has discontinued but was the first gradual tan on the market, to be fair, it was not great but that was probably more down to my lack of knowledge in application rather than the product. Since then I have tried nearly every gradual tan on the market; Dove, Palmers, Nivea, St Tropez, Skinny Tan, Bondi Sands etc etc.
Pros of gradual tan: Minimal streaking as it is in effect a diluted version of the real stuff so if you are a newbie I would try one of these first. They also double as a moisturiser which means it is quicker as you are ‘missing a step’, many have ingredients that are great for the skin, for example Palmers has coco butter in and leaves the skin super soft. It also fades nicely rather than having to use a tan eraser (more on that later.)
Cons of gradual tan: Some are not always that effective and can take time to build – so not great for a big night out. Although they are weak sometimes they can still streak and because many of them are clear you cannot see where you haven’t blended which can be tricky to sort later. The final drawback for these products is that they often have a limited shade range which can be challenging for darker skins.
How I use: I use gradual tan daily and never miss a day, for me it’s like my base. I find they are also good as a sort of primer for other types of tan which you can layer with. I apply with a mitt just like normal tan and take care of ankles, elbows and where my bum meets the top of my thigh and I normally get one of the children to do my back!!
Mousses, lotions, mists and sprays: After I had been using gradual tans for a while I graduated to the next category, these types of tans normally develop in a few hours, have a deeper color and require more preparation and care than other tans. I must say, I used to be quite fearful of these products but if you follow a few simple rules then they are amazing and you won’t look back
How I use: I use once or twice a week, I remove hair and exfoliate well, then apply gradual tan as my primer/moisturise/base and then leave for about twenty mins (dry my hair or some other job). I then use a mitt and apply the product to the mitt rather than directly on to my skin and apply in long sweeping movements, moving down the body rather than in circles. Do tops of hands, and feet last by using the excess on the mitt rather than applying more product – less is more and I must admit my toes can still look orange from time to time. Then wait another twenty minutes and then get dressed and avoid getting the skin wet for about 6-8 hours, the best time to apply is before bed, then in the morning you can rinse off and apply another layer of gradual (this is what I do). I do not use the products on my face as they are usually too harsh for my skin!
Instant tan: Instant tan for me is used for when I have a special event, haven’t got my legs out in forever or for my face. I think these products need to be viewed like body make up and can make limbs look amazing, flawless and glowy – an instant filter in a tube! These are probably the most challenging to apply, the can look scary when you first apply, and can mark and stain if not rubbed in super quickly – so less is
most defiantly more. Use a mitt again for the body and use long sweeping movements only put a tiny amount on it. The great thing with these products is that you can layer them or if you are brave enough contour or ‘tan-tour’ your face. They also wash off pretty quickly, so need to panic if you make a mistake.
This took me a while to get the hang of this product and if you apply it too quickly after your face primer (highly recommended) it can go all ‘bitty’ and not go smoothly onto the skin. It also needs to be rubbed in super quickly but having said that its a beautiful sun kissed color that would suit all skin tones and is great for hiding imperfections. I use this for my face day-to- day, and apply after primer but before foundation. The other product which I cannot get enough off is Vita Liberata Body Blur Sunless Glow – I use the shade Latte Light which is the lightest shade but it is still quite dark – so just to be aware. It makes legs look stunning, its fake tan, highlighter and body make up in one and the best thing is is that it doesn’t transfer on to fabrics, its expensive and so I only use this sparingly but if you want a product to make you look and feel great instantly – then this is it!
Last but not least: I wanted to end with some final tips, hopefully you have found this helpful – but as I said, theshame.health.blog is a place to feel good and fake tan can make you feel great, but it takes practice and patience to get the technique right. Remember to use a mitt, use sparingly, don’t rush, be very very sparing on feet, hands and elbows, do not use harsh tans on your face, leave time to get dressed, put Vaseline on your eyebrows when applying face tan – orangey eyebrows are a dead give away, and last but not least paint your nails (even with a mitt tan can get on to the nail bed and give nails a yellowish tinge! not a great look) I recommend a coral shade as that looks great with a tan.
Phew! and there we have it – my longest blog ever about fake tan! Next time I will write about something more deep and meaningful, in the mean time – get your glow on
The reason for me re visiting this book is that I have felt that recently I have been stuck. Stuck, once again in bad habits, negative thinking and beating myself up. My frustration has peaked at the memories of past behavior and the fact that in some ways I am no different to when I was in my 20’s.
Many of my blogs have had the theme of personal growth and the message of ‘look how far I have come’ and ‘look what you can achieve’. Today and the last week, I have felt like a fraud. Repeating the same mistakes over and over. I feel at the moment I am trapped in a cycle of using short term fixes to mask the feelings of inadequacy I have and that in actual fact, apart from exercise – nothing has really changed.
Short term fixes are like a drug – addictive, destructive and leave a sense of shame, but in the short term give you what you need – cover the cracks and give you that short term high. I have always felt that I am not a very good person on the inside, I seem to constantly mess up, am unreliable, flaky, inconsistent, and have never really grown up – bouncing from one thing to another. I know, through thinking back that one of the reasons that I entered my marriage was that it felt safe, anchoring, it could save me from my bad traits, that I couldn’t be trusted to manage life – so I handed myself, gave someone else the job I couldn’t be trusted with.
That has only lasted so long, and I thought – that I was fixed or that those problems and how I was was better than being trapped, and that what I had thought was best for me, was in fact a prison. Now those old behaviors are coming back and I am growing anxious that maybe I was right. I have no regrets but feel that maybe my reasons were true. My growing guilt at failing as a grown up and potentially letting my children down has led my back to the my interest in self compassion. I used to think, when I first read about self-compassion was that it was ‘letting myself off the hook’ and that self compassion is just an excuse for not trying harder. Reading more deeply and being honest with myself it is actually not that at all (although that is a hard default to change!)
True self compassion actually has its roots in Buddhism. It actually can be summed up as a way to stop judging and evaluating yourself altogether in the words of Kristin Neff ‘To stop trying to label ourselves as good and bad and simply accept ourselves with an open heart. To treat ourselves with the same kindness, caring and compassion that we would show a good friend’ K. Neff: Self compassion – Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind. This is much easier said that done and is advocated with meditation and some serious soul searching. I have this nagging voice in my head that any friend of mine would never do or think the things that I do so why should I deserve compassion, that everyone is one step ahead, more organized, less selfish, less impulsive and they do things for the right reasons.
Having said all of this I believe it is the only way to attempt to change and to start moving forward. I desperately want to change and accept myself and feel like I am progressing, rather than feeling trapped in a cycle of negative thoughts. I wanted to have an ‘unconditional friendship with myself’ be a better mum and friend. I feel that guided self compassion can help me achieve this. If I am more self-accepting it will make me have less destructive thoughts, so then I wont need the quick fixes – the behavior which leads to the masking my then I am moving backwards again.
The key to self compassion is guided meditative practice along with other things, and I have started this week with writing my own affirmations. I also have linked this to running – I feel that running for me (as mentioned in previous blogs) can give me that meditative state, as well as helping me feel that things are changing and moving forward. Self -compassion is the only way for me, accepting who I am seems to be the only thing I can do, constantly trying to change and improve is not working, Setting ridiculous goals and then failing – leads to shame which leads to behaviors to cover it up.
I am beginning a journey on the path to self compassion – it is early days and I am going to work super hard at trying to make this work… and will also keep on running…..
If anyone has had any experience with the self compassion therapy approach or the loving kindness meditation approach I would love to hear from you
theshamehealth 