Category: mental health

Embracing being alone

‘Alone by herself, she built the kingdom she wanted’ R.H. SIN

A substantial amount of time has passed, once again a ridiculous amount has happened and change is once again afoot. A half marathon run (yes I bloody did it!), a promotion, a COVID Christmas, a break up are to name a few just give more evidence for the inability of life to stay still. Proof that once again how one feels right now is not how one is going to feel in the future. This constant change used to give me a huge sense of fear – both in feeling happy (that that feeling would not be sustained and be snatched away) and when in the grips of anxiety – that this would last forever. Pain is not permanent and the avoidance of pain should not be what drives our decisions and actions.

It is reminding myself of this that I made a recent decision to approach my relationships from this very idea. I am embarking, at the moment, on the greatest relationship of all, a relationship with myself. After attempting to avoid pain and wanting to feel safe and loved I felt that actually staying in these relationships didn’t provide respite from any of these. I used to believe that being alone would cause me to behave in destructive ways – that I needed a person to answer to and to be my anchor. I could not possibly know what is best for me so best hand that responsibility to someone else. Having these ‘stories’ about myself drove my needs, thoughts, choices all underground ( I have talked about people pleasing before) and I just accepted what was given, even when it was barely enough. By relying on this learned behaviour, you become reliant on your partner for your validation of everything, so when you don’t get the, ‘you look nice’, or they do not read your blog, or fail to acknowledge any of your achievements, it then turns itself around. The negative thoughts start again, with questions and ideas such as ‘I must be ugly’, ‘this is all I deserve’ ‘I can’t get more because I am not loveable’ and ‘what is wrong with me?’. Having re read Kristen Neff’s Self Compassion (read it, it will change your life!) I discovered that by in attempt to avoid pain I was actually causing myself more of it with these relationships. What if I gave myself the very validation that I had been looking for? By relying on validation from others there will only be disappointment and by accepting what we think we ‘deserve’ we will never be fulfilled.

Since being alone, I have in fact no embarked upon any destructive behaviour (unless you count Tinder, but that’s a story for another day) and have in fact started to enjoy being by myself. I have been making plans for adventures that I want to have and feel a new sense of freedom that I do not have to negotiate with anyone else, or have someone come with me, whose heart isn’t really in it. For the first time my needs are acknowledged and allowed and I can honestly say I feel better about myself and my abilities than I ever have. Maybe one day I may want to share that with someone, but if that doesn’t happen, I am ok with that. I would far rather be living my adventurous life embracing new experiences and saying yes more, than feel unworthy and compromised.

Barriers and Boundaries

“The mind is like a fertile garden,” Bruce said. “It will grow anything you wish to plant—beautiful flowers or weeds. And so it is with successful, healthy thoughts or with negative ones that will, like weeds, strangle and crowd the others. Do not allow negative thoughts to enter your mind for they are the weeds that strangle confidence.”
― Joe Hyams, Zen In The Martial Arts

“Only through practice and more practice, until you can do something without conscious effort.”
― Joe Hyams, Zen in the Martial Arts

Post run – feeling good!

I went for a run last night and after running about two kilometers and I had to stop, I felt exhausted and had a tightness in my chest that I had never experienced before. I started to panic – stopped and took deep breaths until the pain subsided, admitted defeat and walked home. As I was walking a new kind of tightness began this time brought on by feelings of panic, my thoughts racing, ‘what if I can’t run anymore? how I am going to run the half marathon in six weeks? You won’t able to to do it, you have failed, I will never be able to do it.’ This point has been building as in this last week I have been feeling increasingly anxious about the race in September, that my running has plateaued and I have even got slower, finding even my shorter runs more challenging. This anxiety has triggered my old feelings of failure and wanting to give up. It has all been feeling insurmountable.

What is different this time is that I have been developing my knowledge and insight of my old habits and have been taking practical steps to address negative thinking. This time, rather than giving up and writing it off, I have been doing some research into how to up my distance and feel that many of the lessons learned from reading about compassion based thinking will help me.

A book which I have recently read taps into the traps of negative thinking and how it can create barriers to progress is ‘Zen and the Martial Arts’ by Jo Hyames: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Zen-Martial-Arts-Joe-Hyams/dp/0874771013/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=zen+and+the+martial+arts&qid=1628321279&sr=8-2

You might ask, what has this got to do with increasing distance in running? Well, this book was fascinating, it is about martial arts but more so about the philosophy and principles which underpin martial arts which can be used in every aspect of life, running included.

So how is this going to help me and what steps am I going to take? Well the first is to remember that training the mind is just as important as the body – in fact the mental stamina required to keep going is vital but also needs building over time in the same way we train our bodies. One of the ways it suggests to do this – which I am going to start is firstly to constantly remind myself that I have the potential, I could not even do five kilmetres a year ago, now I can do ten, I have proved to myself I can do something I thought I could not do and I can do it again. This reminder can come in the form of mantra, a ‘go to’ when I hit a wall, my mantra will be:

“I have achieved things I have never thought possible”

“Think of what else is possible”

The next method or principle of Zen to adopt is ‘Process over Product”. This can simply be put as ‘learning the mindful trait of the activity itself’. J Hyams. I think what made me panic yesterday was the thought of the race, the deadline, it feels looming. Although I am a advocate of goals and challenges – the book suggests that we can become too focused on the end product and loose the ability to focus on the task at hand, rushing it away and not taking joy from the activity, in the book when Hyams adopts this to his martial arts training he says ‘when I eliminated the deadline from my mind it was like removing a weight from my body.’ He also adopted this method for when he was writing his book, he wrote better and ended up meeting the deadline. This one will be hard, but to remember why I started running and the pure enjoyment I get from running need to be the focus – the race is/was secondary – a celebration of what I have achieved, rather than a barrier.

My final step is that I am going to stop alcohol. I am not usually a fan of total bans – it tends to create cravings and things that are ‘off limits’ then become exciting and ‘forbidden’ which then inevitably leads to failure. I have, however noticed that I my alcohol consumption has increased and is effecting my sleep which of course is going to affect my performance. I am going to try this for this week and see what happens. I feel I need a clear head and if I am to train my mind then having a healthy mind free from the affects of alcohol will be the way forward. My alcohol levels have increased since the break down of my marriage last year and I am acutely aware that it has been used as a crutch and then crutch’s become habits, habits are then relied on and then are hard to break, then they become addictions. I am going to see how this one goes.

Although I felt anxious and disheartened yesterday, I am excited that I am able to see more clearly and apply the lessons I have learned into a way forward rather than entering the cycle of negative thinking. This must be progress surely and hopefully this can manifest itself into kilometres

If anyone has any tips on how to increase the distance – please get in touch!

Love, always

Ruby xx