The Brave and the Bold

“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.” Brene Brown

It has been awhile since I have written – this is partly due to a mini crisis of confidence – (why am I writing a blog? What’s the point? etc etc) but also due to the summer holidays. Summer holidays are great but they also present some challenges, such as keeping three small people entertained and from killing each other. So far we have managed to do that and I have also managed to be in keeping with taking up new challenges – again things that I would not have thought possible two years ago.

Before I go in this I had said in my previous blog that I was going to write about going to gyms. I wanted to mention some of my experiences and then some tips that have helped me enjoy going rather than seeing them as palaces of doom.

I had never really been to gyms, when I was at college and university everyone smoked and drank coffee and never went to gyms, gyms were for only the exceptionally sporty – an alien race for me growing up. Fast forward to 2019 and gyms are everywhere and are commonplace in our society, but for me they still held connotations of a world that was removed from me, attractive people being good at sport and everyone staring at everyone else. Don’t get me wrong some gyms are still like this and even recently I went to one and had a small panic attack and was glad to leave, but there are also many that are not like that or not like that at certain times.

Anyway, below are some tips below which I feel have helped me:

Wear something you feel good in, I would go with all black – leggings and top (loose if you are anxious), decent trainers (TK maxx for all of the above). If you feel comfortable and OK and don’t have holes in the crotch this will help. When I first went to a gym, I didn’t have the right clothes – I had old maternity trousers with hole in the crotch and I was standing next to this woman who was like a goddess – and I wanted to cry and nearly ran out – but I had a very good friend with me (remember the power of the right people?) and it was OK, but dont wear clothes with holes in, or stand next to the goddess’s.

Do your research of gyms – this can unfortunately only be achieved by going – day passes are a good idea and many do open days/free trials. Different gyms suit different people AND also think about the times – go when you will actually be able to go – then you can see the type of crowd that go when you do. My gym is great when I go Saturday mornings – quiet, lots of older people, not too many maniacs but at certain times when I have changed my schedule – it’s been full of young people and very crowded

You don’t need a personal trainer if you have a good experienced friend to show you how to use the equipment. I have seen many personal trainers who basically aren’t very good and if you do use one – use your trial gym sessions to watch them with other clients or go on a recommendation

If you feel super anxious when you first start going I would just head to a stationary bike or treadmill and go on there for about 15/20 minutes just to get your bearings and calm down and get adjusted to the new environment.

If you really really hate it and you have tried a few gyms several times then maybe gyms aren’t for you and thats OK to, there are lots of other things you can try (more on that in the future).

I have actually been going to the gym less this holiday and this is not just due to a lack of opportunity. It has been down to me having the confidence and desire to try other activities. I have started playing…netball! Netball used to produce some sort of allergic reaction in me and made me think of scary big girls who were super competitive and popular, but thanks to some encouragement from a friend, I went to play in a casual ‘back to netball’ scheme. It was amazing, and I loved it, partly because everyone was so friendly and even though most of the players were more experienced than me, they totally encouraged and supported me and I have been again and am even thinking about joining a team – literally when I told my mum she was so shocked as in her mind she remembers the old me who would have rather put my hand in a wasps nest then done anything like that.

The other activity that I have tried is..surfing! This one was not quite as successful – not in terms of how I felt but in how hard it was! This one is one that has been something that I have admired from afar and have always believed that its one of those activities that goes beyond being a sport for the mental health benefits that this brings has been widely documented. So I tried with my daughter and although I was pretty awful what I liked about it was that for the first time in as long as I can remember, I wasn’t thinking about anything else but just the sea, not what I looked like or how I was letting myself down, it was completely clear – which was a very powerful feeling. I also loved the fact that I was doing something like this with my daughter rather than standing on the sidelines.

A friend of mine said it was about being brave and bold and this is the attitude I am trying to adopt in all areas – if I can do these two things in a month – what else is possible?

Thanks for reading

Ruby x

The ‘outer’ Vs ‘the inner’

“Sometimes, people use age as a convenient excuse. ‘I’m too old to start something new’, or, ‘I couldn’t learn that at my age.’ Other people, though, go on to achieve their greatest accomplishments in life in later” years.” Catherine Pulsifer,

This story starts with a beginning. A beginning which was the motivation for this blog and has helped me now know what I want to start doing with my life, what I want to continue with and what I want to ditch.

This beginning, like for so many women (and more increasingly men) was wrapped up in shame.

“Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.” Dictionary definition of the word ‘shame’.

The part of that definition that stuck out for me was, ‘negative evaluation of the self’. That ‘self’ for me was my physical self. My body to me was like an outer shell that was a sentence or a trap. In my inner ‘self’ I felt was the champion, I could rely on that to not let me down, to rise to a challenge, to pass an exam, to talk to strangers. It was my ‘outer self’ that caused ‘feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust and powerlessness’.

This is probably true of how many young people feel, my experience is far from unique (depressingly) and increasingly in the modern age, people are encouraged to feel shame so that businesses can market the supposed ‘solutions’.

My shame manifested itself in the form of absolutely hating sport with every bone in my being. I avoided it at all costs, I used to walk out of the school gates on a Friday lunch time when it was double PE. Sports day, I wouldn’t come in, I forged notes from my mother excusing me for all sorts of varied reasons. I associated any physical activity with the conviction that my body would fail me and this would be made worse by taking place in a public setting. I always wore baggy clothes, avoided boyfriends. Going on holiday proved a challenge, sobbing in changing rooms, almost being embarrassed to have a shower – all created parts of my personality that I believed were cemented forever.

Like I said, my feelings that I felt until recently, are hardly one of a kind, but I would say that I developed a phobia of exercise and my body. My body was an obstacle, one that would always let me down, so I almost denied its existence.

This unhealthy relationship with my outer ‘self’ carried on until around two years ago at the grand old age of 35. I have had three children and by rights this should be an age when the shame of age and post baby body should be evident, but I can honestly say the opposite is true.

I still have my old hang ups and would hardly call myself ‘body confident’ but what I would say is that I have a greater understanding and appreciation of what a body, my body can do. How with the right support network and the right exercises in the right environment has changed my life? I want to be a healthy role model to my children and hope that by proving to them that you can change, embrace yourself both the inner and outer self.

This blog is about sharing that change of mindset and hopefully can help others know that at whatever age, things can change that you thought were unchangeable. I will be sharing how I achieved this, advice that helped me and people that inspired me,

Lots of Love

Ruby