Barriers and Boundaries

“The mind is like a fertile garden,” Bruce said. “It will grow anything you wish to plant—beautiful flowers or weeds. And so it is with successful, healthy thoughts or with negative ones that will, like weeds, strangle and crowd the others. Do not allow negative thoughts to enter your mind for they are the weeds that strangle confidence.”
― Joe Hyams, Zen In The Martial Arts

“Only through practice and more practice, until you can do something without conscious effort.”
― Joe Hyams, Zen in the Martial Arts

I went for a run last night and after running about two kilometers and I had to stop, I felt exhausted and had a tightness in my chest that I had never experienced before. I started to panic – stopped and took deep breaths until the pain subsided, admitted defeat and walked home. As I was walking a new kind of tightness began this time brought on by feelings of panic, my thoughts racing, ‘what if I can’t run anymore? how I am going to run the half marathon in six weeks? You won’t able to to do it, you have failed, I will never be able to do it.’ This point has been building as in this last week I have been feeling increasingly anxious about the race in September, that my running has plateaued and I have even got slower, finding even my shorter runs more challenging. This anxiety has triggered my old feelings of failure and wanting to give up. It has all been feeling insurmountable.

What is different this time is that I have been developing my knowledge and insight of my old habits and have been taking practical steps to address negative thinking. This time, rather than giving up and writing it off, I have been doing some research into how to up my distance and feel that many of the lessons learned from reading about compassion based thinking will help me.

A book which I have recently read taps into the traps of negative thinking and how it can create barriers to progress is ‘Zen and the Martial Arts’ by Jo Hyames: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Zen-Martial-Arts-Joe-Hyams/dp/0874771013/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=zen+and+the+martial+arts&qid=1628321279&sr=8-2

You might ask, what has this got to do with increasing distance in running? Well, this book was fascinating, it is about martial arts but more so about the philosophy and principles which underpin martial arts which can be used in every aspect of life, running included.

So how is this going to help me and what steps am I going to take? Well the first is to remember that training the mind is just as important as the body – in fact the mental stamina required to keep going is vital but also needs building over time in the same way we train our bodies. One of the ways it suggests to do this – which I am going to start is firstly to constantly remind myself that I have the potential, I could not even do five kilmetres a year ago, now I can do ten, I have proved to myself I can do something I thought I could not do and I can do it again. This reminder can come in the form of mantra, a ‘go to’ when I hit a wall, my mantra will be:

“I have achieved things I have never thought possible”

“Think of what else is possible”

The next method or principle of Zen to adopt is ‘Process over Product”. This can simply be put as ‘learning the mindful trait of the activity itself’. J Hyams. I think what made me panic yesterday was the thought of the race, the deadline, it feels looming. Although I am a advocate of goals and challenges – the book suggests that we can become too focused on the end product and loose the ability to focus on the task at hand, rushing it away and not taking joy from the activity, in the book when Hyams adopts this to his martial arts training he says ‘when I eliminated the deadline from my mind it was like removing a weight from my body.’ He also adopted this method for when he was writing his book, he wrote better and ended up meeting the deadline. This one will be hard, but to remember why I started running and the pure enjoyment I get from running need to be the focus – the race is/was secondary – a celebration of what I have achieved, rather than a barrier.

My final step is that I am going to stop alcohol. I am not usually a fan of total bans – it tends to create cravings and things that are ‘off limits’ then become exciting and ‘forbidden’ which then inevitably leads to failure. I have, however noticed that I my alcohol consumption has increased and is effecting my sleep which of course is going to affect my performance. I am going to try this for this week and see what happens. I feel I need a clear head and if I am to train my mind then having a healthy mind free from the affects of alcohol will be the way forward. My alcohol levels have increased since the break down of my marriage last year and I am acutely aware that it has been used as a crutch and then crutch’s become habits, habits are then relied on and then are hard to break, then they become addictions. I am going to see how this one goes.

Although I felt anxious and disheartened yesterday, I am excited that I am able to see more clearly and apply the lessons I have learned into a way forward rather than entering the cycle of negative thinking. This must be progress surely and hopefully this can manifest itself into kilometres

If anyone has any tips on how to increase the distance – please get in touch!

Love, always

Ruby xx

Transformation Central

“Transformation isn’t sweet and bright. It’s a dark and murky, painful pushing. An unraveling of the untruths you’ve carried in your body. A practice in facing your own created demons. A complete uprooting, before becoming.” Victoria Erickson

A central theme from my blog is about change. This one specifically is about my change – focusing on myself when I was in my twenties, no now – edging closer to forty.

A student I used to teach who I know work with, came into work with a selection of photos – including the one on the left. When I saw this photo I felt a mixture of shock and sadness. Shock as I had deliberately pushed this part of my life away and had not come face to face with this ‘me’ and then sadness as I remembered how unhappy I was, how trapped and how I carried around such a sense of shame. I find it incredibly difficult to look at these photos but want to use this as a basis to talk about transformation.

It seems to me people romanticise their youth, or others who are younger than me do not want to get older. Some wish to return to their youth but for me I would not want to go back to that time. I feel frustrated that I wasted so much time hiding, avoiding and not taking part and not realising that I could have done so much more.

So what has changed and how has this happened:

Physically:

Exercise: I can honestly say that the single most influential factor on change is exercise. I am physically fitter and stronger than I ever was in my twenties. I have blogged about the power of physical movement many times and probably sound like stuck record – but it has been the key to change. It has linked to a change of mindset, how I view myself and my capabilities. On a physical/exterior level it has changed my body shape, my face looks slimmer and made my overall appearance look healthier. Currently I am doing three to four home workouts a week (at the end of the blog is a lower body sample beginners routine) and run two to three times a week (try the couch to 5 k app, get decent trainers, a good sound track and just start doing it – you won’t regret it!)

Taking pride/self care: This is so important! I used to make minimal effort, cut my own hair, it was as if I didn’t feel I was worth it. I felt silly and embarrassed and feel I would draw too much attention to myself if I wore make up. Doing more exercise helped me reconnect with my physical self and understand that I had to treat my body with care. Fake tan for me has been such a huge confidence booster – I feel better when tanned but having pale Irish skin and not wanting to be wrinkled, I have to fake it. It hides celulite, stretch marks and can make you look thinner and more toned. I have tried and tested nearly every brand going and my top choices at the moment are,

Bondi Sands every day tanning milk https://bondisands.co.uk/products/everyday-gradual-tanning-milk

Vita Liberata Body Blur Sunless Glow HD Skin Finish 100ml - Feelunique — https://www.vitaliberata.co.uk/body-blur-sunless-glow-latte/

Vita liberata body blur sunless glow – this is like make up for the body and adds tan – totally amazing!

I also now take much better care of my skin, this is so important as you get older. I was diagnosed with acne rosacea about three years ago and have suffered with redness and hideous break outs. I will blog about my journey through rosacea but highly recommend the Medik8t range : https://www.medik8.com/

Mentally/Internally:

I feel that my connecting with my physical self this has made a huge impact on my mental self. I care less about what others think and feel as if I am ‘living’ much more than that picture of my on the right. I feel that I can set goals that I used to think were impossible and no longer write things off because I don’t think I can do it.

Although growing old can be scary, for me being stuck and trapped in a cycle of shame is far more terrifying and I fee excited about what else can be achieved.

Let me know about your transformations

Love Ruby xx

Lower body home workout: (takes about 25 mins)

Warm up:

20 body squats (keep heels on the ground and don’t let your knees cave_

20 reverse lunges

20 jumping jacks

Make sure you stretch!!

Set 1 (two exercises back to back followed by 30 sec rest – three rounds)

Using dumbbells place them on your shoulders and complete 12 squats x 12

Lying leg abduction (using a resistance band) – Lying side on – legs straight and raise one up as far as you can x 10 each leg

Legs - Side Lying Lateral leg raises with Short Resistance Band - FIT CARROTS | Premium Fitness Tools For Functional and Regeneration Training — Lying leg abduction

Set 2 (two exercises back to back followed by 30 sec rest – three rounds)

Glute bridge using dumbbells’ and/or resistance band – keep heels flat and hold for 15 secs at the top x 12

Does my butt look big in these genes? - FitnessGenes® — Glute bridge

Split squats – using a chair and dumbbells x 10 each leg

Set 3 (two exercises back to back followed by 30 sec rest – three rounds)

Reverse lunges using dumbbells x 12 each leg

Donkey kicks x 15 each leg

Finisher: 20 jump squats x 20

Back to the start

It has been a while since my last blog. I have not felt ready to write or even had the organisation of thought to have anything coherent to say – almost too much to say but not being able to make sense of it.

I made a huge decision last year to end my relationship, a decision that did not come quickly or easily, but one that I couldn’t turn from. After 16 years I could not go on any longer – this isn’t the forum to explain and start blaming – this blog is about my thoughts and views. The theme that underpins the blog is moving forward and making changes that seem insurmountable and that by sharing my story it may help, support and give courage to others who find themselves trapped by the way they see themselves.

The reason for this decision stemmed from lock down, I think I wrote about how lock down brought into sharp focus what my life was. if I took away all the destrations and just had what I had – I realised it wasn’t what I wanted.

I remember feeling angry and jealous at people who seemed to be relishing the increased time together and releasing that if it came down to it and that was all there was then it was not OK. I felt ashamed and deeply sad.

It became clear that I had always felt within my relationship that I had to change and that my core self was flawed and wrong, I needed correcting and moulding but I was never enough. This has been a pattern with many of my romantic relationships – I have always had the scraps, or parts of people and they have only wanted parts of me, I have always felt never good enough. I have come to the conclusion that I would rather be alone than never be enough.

There is also a deep sense of sadness and shame that my family is now broken, that I have a failed marriage, that I don’t own a house, that I may not be as good a parent as my half because sometimes I forget to brush their teeth. I feel angry that I am nearly 39 and I am starting again. I feel ashamed that I wasn’t always the best wife. I have spent a lot of time analysing and thinking that maybe it was all my fault? I remember my therapist saying there is no such thing as the ‘truth’ only the different truths or stories, and I am starting to apply this theory to the last 16 years, there is his story and there is mine.

One thing that has taken deep roots is that I have no regrets, whatever happens and however uncertain my future is – I physically and mentally could not have continued.

Rather than ramble on, I have decided to summarise what the last year has taught me and what advice and ‘wisdom’ (haha!) I can pass on to others who feel trapped and who are anxious about making big changes:

Friends are one of the most important support systems you have – I can honestly say, hand on heart I could not have done any of this without my amazing friends. They have been non-judgmental, no loaded comments but supportive and incredibly practical! I moved out with nothing and through amazing people, I furnished a house with no money – through donations from friends but also unlikely sources. Remember to talk to your friends – they love you, it’s very humbling and it also links to the other point…
You can do anything – this sounds cheesy and much more doable when you have amazing friends. I was told, and believed that I would not be able to do this, that I couldn’t run a house, have the children due to work, get a place etc etc and I have done it all, changed my job to help accommodate the children – I even got a promotion! It’s hard and it takes some creative thinking – but there is always a way!

Reach out – This again links to the points above – part of what helped me was being honest with people – especially with work – don’t try and do it all alone, think of it like this -if you had a friend who needed you, you would have, in a heartbeat, wouldn’t you?
You are in control. This journey has been about being in control of my own life, not trying to change or living a life that was not mind, although I spend a lot of the time terrified – I am in charge – I decide.
Ditch the shame. I have written about this before but shame is such a destructive emotion – I have felt shame about what and who I am, I especially felt it when realising my marriage was over. As shame is so awful it can make us do nearly anything to run away from it – alcohol, shopping or even more destructive behaviours. Shame only thrives when it is a secret – own your shame – look it in the face, talk about it and watch it shrivel and die. By looking at your achievements and removing the negative sources you will see it shrink. Look at where you started.
Single parenting – this is tough but not as tough as we can make it out to be, one big worry which I had was about the impact this would all have on the children. It obviously does have an impact, but seeing their parents healthy and happy – who they can model their behavior on is what will protect them and give them their best chances. I strongly believe this should not be a reason to stay, it will eat you up and your kids will see you.

Things that still worry me –

Being alone – but as I said before rather be alone that not living how I want to live
The feeling of starting all over again – renting, no house – nearly 40, all my friends being proper grown ups
Work and being able to achieve and succeed
Being a good mum – am I too slack? Do I miss things? Are they all getting what they need when there is only 1 of me now?

Sometimes it all feels like it’s all precariously balanced – like a house of cards that could all fall down at any time – but the key is is that its y house of cards nobody else’s.

(I haven’t mentioned dFitness and health so much this in this blog, but in my next one I am going to be writing about my running training and my home workouts – which have had to be adapted and changed due to single parenting – watch this space)

Please share with anyone you feel needs some support and any comments or feedback are always welcome

Love

Ruby xx

Featured

The Brave and the Bold

“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.” Brene Brown

It has been awhile since I have written – this is partly due to a mini crisis of confidence – (why am I writing a blog? What’s the point? etc etc) but also due to the summer holidays. Summer holidays are great but they also present some challenges, such as keeping three small people entertained and from killing each other. So far we have managed to do that and I have also managed to be in keeping with taking up new challenges – again things that I would not have thought possible two years ago.

Before I go in this I had said in my previous blog that I was going to write about going to gyms. I wanted to mention some of my experiences and then some tips that have helped me enjoy going rather than seeing them as palaces of doom.

I had never really been to gyms, when I was at college and university everyone smoked and drank coffee and never went to gyms, gyms were for only the exceptionally sporty – an alien race for me growing up. Fast forward to 2019 and gyms are everywhere and are commonplace in our society, but for me they still held connotations of a world that was removed from me, attractive people being good at sport and everyone staring at everyone else. Don’t get me wrong some gyms are still like this and even recently I went to one and had a small panic attack and was glad to leave, but there are also many that are not like that or not like that at certain times.

Anyway, below are some tips below which I feel have helped me:

Wear something you feel good in, I would go with all black – leggings and top (loose if you are anxious), decent trainers (TK maxx for all of the above). If you feel comfortable and OK and don’t have holes in the crotch this will help. When I first went to a gym, I didn’t have the right clothes – I had old maternity trousers with hole in the crotch and I was standing next to this woman who was like a goddess – and I wanted to cry and nearly ran out – but I had a very good friend with me (remember the power of the right people?) and it was OK, but dont wear clothes with holes in, or stand next to the goddess’s.

Do your research of gyms – this can unfortunately only be achieved by going – day passes are a good idea and many do open days/free trials. Different gyms suit different people AND also think about the times – go when you will actually be able to go – then you can see the type of crowd that go when you do. My gym is great when I go Saturday mornings – quiet, lots of older people, not too many maniacs but at certain times when I have changed my schedule – it’s been full of young people and very crowded

You don’t need a personal trainer if you have a good experienced friend to show you how to use the equipment. I have seen many personal trainers who basically aren’t very good and if you do use one – use your trial gym sessions to watch them with other clients or go on a recommendation

If you feel super anxious when you first start going I would just head to a stationary bike or treadmill and go on there for about 15/20 minutes just to get your bearings and calm down and get adjusted to the new environment.

If you really really hate it and you have tried a few gyms several times then maybe gyms aren’t for you and thats OK to, there are lots of other things you can try (more on that in the future).

I have actually been going to the gym less this holiday and this is not just due to a lack of opportunity. It has been down to me having the confidence and desire to try other activities. I have started playing…netball! Netball used to produce some sort of allergic reaction in me and made me think of scary big girls who were super competitive and popular, but thanks to some encouragement from a friend, I went to play in a casual ‘back to netball’ scheme. It was amazing, and I loved it, partly because everyone was so friendly and even though most of the players were more experienced than me, they totally encouraged and supported me and I have been again and am even thinking about joining a team – literally when I told my mum she was so shocked as in her mind she remembers the old me who would have rather put my hand in a wasps nest then done anything like that.

The other activity that I have tried is..surfing! This one was not quite as successful – not in terms of how I felt but in how hard it was! This one is one that has been something that I have admired from afar and have always believed that its one of those activities that goes beyond being a sport for the mental health benefits that this brings has been widely documented. So I tried with my daughter and although I was pretty awful what I liked about it was that for the first time in as long as I can remember, I wasn’t thinking about anything else but just the sea, not what I looked like or how I was letting myself down, it was completely clear – which was a very powerful feeling. I also loved the fact that I was doing something like this with my daughter rather than standing on the sidelines.

A friend of mine said it was about being brave and bold and this is the attitude I am trying to adopt in all areas – if I can do these two things in a month – what else is possible?

Thanks for reading

Ruby x

Motivational Forces at Work

“Don’t make friends who are comfortable to be with. Make friends who will force you to lever yourself up.”

– Thomas J. Watson

“Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great.”

– Mark Twain

I wanted my blog today to begin to actually give practical advice about how to start incorporating exercise into your life in a non-threatening way. The advice will not be from a trained or qualified professional but just from someone with experience of going from fear to love.

My first two blogs were mainly about mindset and overcoming perceived hurdles to change but I need to address what actually happened for those changes to begin in the first place.

For me the pivotal time when was I started a new job in September of 2018 which was around two years after the birth of my third child. This was when my body confidence was at an all time low, my weight had yo-yo’d significantly. Starting a new job, I was once again on a ‘diet’. (I will post in the future about ‘diets’ but again very much like my relationship with exercise, my relationship with food was one that I would not describe as healthy.)

It was when I started my new job that two people entered my life, both of which have had a significant impact on the way I view physical activity. They shall remain anonymous but both of these people provided very different forms of inspiration and motivation.

One pf these people is someone who has taught me how to use exercise as a way to carve out time for myself. We go to the gym together, have a coffee, we make it a social time, a time for catch up, enjoying the company. This person supports, encourages and makes it fun, so that it is now part of my social life, time away from my responsibilities of work and being a mother. This, I would suggest, is a great way to start, find a friend that you can start doing physical activity with. It will make beginning so much easier and less threatening. The other valuable thing about starting out with a friend who is more experienced in this area, is that they can show you how to do the exercises and make sure you are doing them right, support and encourage when you are struggling.

This person helped exercise become a regular part of my life by building it into a routine. I always had the excuse that I didn’t have time, but now every Saturday morning – tthe gym with my friend and afterwards we have a coffee, we go early as not to impact weekend family time, and thereby I kill a lot of birds with one stone, social time, time to focus on taking care of myself both physically and mentally and a way to spend time with my friend.

The other person was someone I met at work. This person from first impressions was the epitome of everything I was not, and would not normally or ‘on paper’ (I really hate that expression) be someone that I would have as a friend. This person taught me that this ‘pigeonholing’ or ‘labeling’ of both others in and myself was what had been holding me back. This person was young, confident, sporty – like I said – opposite to me! From getting to know this person, I found that they were able to help me in so many ways, they live their life to the absolute maximum, pack everything in and make the most of every opportunity. This love of life is infectious and has enabled me take on new challenges and not to be a passenger in my own life.

Although these two people were the trigger, I am lucky to have a lot of people in my life who have helped support me including my husband and children. Support is key for making changes, as it is so tough to change habits and attitudes that have been built up over thirty plus years.

You may find that when you start to make changes that some people in your life might that difficult or threatening. This was how I used to be, change was to be feared, it’s the unknown and many people may project that fear on to you. Try to drown out the noise and make sure that you and your ‘fitness friend’ can speak about this, it will help keep you focused.

My advice is to find a fitness friend and start doing one activity a week with that person, turn it into a social time, make sure you have a treat afterwards and make it something to look forward to.

Next time I am going to write about how to enter a gym without having a minor or major breakdown,

Please share your thoughts on my blog

Best

Ruby x

Featured

The Healing Power of Movement

“in becoming human, man had acquired, together with his straight legs and striding walk, a migratory ‘drive’ or instinct to walk long distances through the seasons; that this ‘drive’ was inseparable from his central nervous system; and that, when warped in conditions of settlement, it found outlets in violence, greed, status-seeking or a mania for the new.”
― Bruce Chatwin, Anatomy of Restlessness: Selected Writings 1969-1989

In the last post, I started to talk about changing what you think is the unchangeable, parts of you that you think are fixed and will be there forever. Exercise is one of those for me – which is what has motivated me to start this blog. This is also intertwined with another aspect that I have believed was ingrained in who I was.

From as long as I can remember I was always referred to as a ‘worrier’ by my parents and people that knew me. Worrying is my default setting, when everything gets too much to cope with I worry, I worry about worrying, I make lists, both physical and mental of my worries and religiously review them, my worry is that if I forget to worry about something then I will be caught by surprise and then something will happen that I won’t have accounted for. There have been points where this has controlled me to such an extent that it has prevented me from being ‘present’ in my life. You feel trapped in cycle that you can’t seem to stop, only muffle it sometimes, it’s like trying to push your covers every morning to start the day, accept some days the cover is like lead and it becomes harder and harder to lift it.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety, panic disorder, depression and post-natal depression three times, have been on a variety of medications and have felt at times that I have no grip on these feelings. I just assumed I was born this way and would have to spend my life managing these ‘conditions’.

The one thing I never tried was exercise. There has been countless research into the positive effects of exercise on mental health, but due to my phobia of my body, I never thought that this would be something that would help me, only hinder.

It has only been recently that I appear to have found a relatively stable period and I now know that this is due to me overcoming my fear and having exercise and movement as integral and necessary parts of my life.

I had always known that walking had always helped me when I felt like I couldn’t cope. I used to walk for miles and miles when I was really struggling so deep down understood that movement was therapeutic. The more I have thought about this, read and talked to others I believe in what Bruce Chatwin, the travel writer says above, that our lack of movement in the modern world has led to many problems, and that nomadic and less settled societies seem to be much more at peace and less riddled with the anxiety and pressures that settled people do. I am no anthropologist but I am drawn to the belief that we need to move for our mental well -being.

I find that now when I do not exercise or have had a break many of my ‘worries’ feel out of control again, I feel agitated and anxious – so exercise has become part of my treatment. I do still feel that it will always be a part of who I am, but it does not define me or control me as it once does, I do not feel so powerless as I once did.

Exercise can help you regain parts of your life both physically and mentally. When I have felt desperate and like I am losing my grip – it has helped me get back on an even keel. You feel empowered when you make progress and see changes, you think – ‘Well I never thought I could do that, so what else could I do?’

It is never too late to start to make these changes, and these changes can be small but have a huge impact.

I will talk next time about some changes to try if you are new to exercise and/or like me feel terrified at the prospect, how to enter a gym without having a break down and that having an inspiring and supporting network will be the key to making these changes happen.

Please let me know your thoughts, especially of mental health is something you have struggled with like me!

Lots of Love

Ruby