Tag: buddhism

The L word

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
― Lao Tzu

“You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

This blog is all about the L word, that’s right Love. I am talking about pure love, love with no conditions, strings, control – just the kind that needs to be accepted in order for it to be returned.

What inspired me to write about this (remember theshame is all about a place to be honest and feel better, both physically, mentally and emotionally) was a recent trip that I have made. This trip was one was one that was painful, deeply sad but at the core hugely steeped in love. It was on this visit that I had a huge realization that I think has been a massive turning point and learning experience.

For those that know me and have read my more recent blogs I have been doing much research and reading on the compassion based thinking and lovingkindness philosophy based on work by Kristen Neff and Sharon Salzberg – (to name a few). Inspired by therapy I had and based on Buddhist teachings – I have been exploring this in order to help me over come feelings of shame and unworthiness and to deal with my past and some of my unhealthy behaviors. At the core of this teaching is about learning to accept oneself, deal with past experiences with compassion and find connectedness with other people – rather than seeing them as threats and competition. It is said that if we can learn to live free of judgement and anger of ourselves we can shake the feelings of unworthiness and allow ourselves to be loved and then love others.

So that’s the theory – which sounds great doesn’t it? But what about the reality? I have working hard at doing the reading and practicing the guided meditation recommended by all the authors, but the one area that I am finding the toughest is accepting love and understanding it in its purest form. This maladaptive thinking has manifested itself in my previous romantic relationships – I either went for people unsuitable or unavailable – so their attention would be a prize, seeing others as competition, the object of my affection to be ‘won’. Then when I inevitably lost, this would reaffirm my feelings of not being good enough. Then my longest relationship was with someone who wanted to change me, again adding to my scheme of inadequacy. So as you can see this aspect is my biggest challenge, but these last few days there has been a chink in the armor.

I went to visit my auntie, my mum’s best friend who she known she was sixteen and my dad’s closest sister. She was a very present part of my childhood – we used to spend all our summers there at her cottage in Kent, we picked apples and she took me to Ireland for a summer when I was nine which sparked my love of all things Irish. To put it simply, she is dying – after twelve years of battling cancer – this is the final stint. A stubbornly, independent women, who has traveled the world, raised amazing children, and who is still in her own home is now on the final straight. My dad had warned me what to expect when I went to see her, and I won’t go in to graphic details but I was shocked at her tiny frame.

At first I was deeply sad, shocked and had to take a moment to compose myself and have a cry. However, once I had taken stock, I was amazed that actually – it was still her. She said my hair looked pretty and asked if I wanted anything to eat and when me and my cousins were laughing over funny stories from the past, I glanced over at her and she was quietly laughing, clearly enjoying the life that was still about. Not only that, but the sheer amount of love that was everywhere, my cousin absent mindedly stroking my mums arm, looking at old photographs, to simply stroking my aunties hands, the uncomplicated love that we all had for each other was awesome. This love included me, no conditions just being part of a group of people where there is complete compassion and understanding. I was letting it in.

On the way home I had this urge to message everyone that was important to me, friends that I have pure uncomplicated love for, and realizing that they too feel like that about me. No envy or competition just a love for people that are in my life. I have been feeling like I am starting to accept that people love me and that I have been able to bring some happiness to others – which is an amazing feeling, “With real love we do not focus on the future, on what we want, or what we fear, we can actually allow things to be the way the are.” S. Salzberg: Lovingkindness. More recently – this is helping me accept love in a romantic sense, opening my heart and allowing myself to accept love – and not being terrified that I am duping them into something as I deal with my ‘imposter syndrome’.

I am also learning to feel deep happiness for those I love, even if it does not involve me, seeing there achievements and experiences are ones to be celebrated, rather than feeling a sense of loss, or separateness. This can only happen if we open up, silence that inner critic and treat ourselves with compassion, it is then we can truly experience the pure love that is everywhere, “It is a rare and beautiful quality to feel truly happy when others are happy- when someone rejoices in our happiness we are flooded with respect and gratitude for their appreciation” S. Salzberg: Lovingkindness

Please read, share and comment and read some of these books – it really is life changing

Love always – the purest kind

Ruby xx

Wisdom and Compassion

“True acceptance doesn’t require you to fit in or change who you are. It doesn’t have to be sought; it is given to you.” Yong Kang Chan – A Journey from Loneliness to Deep Connection

” We have become conditioned to compromise and shrink ourselves in order to be liked. The problem is, when you work so hard to get everyone to like you, you very often end up not liking yourself so much.” Reshma Saujani – Brave, Not Perfect

As mentioned before, I have recently signed up for a half marathon for September. It has been one of my goals, I want a medal, I want the acknowledgement. It will demonstrate achievement and will be a physical symbol of how what I once thought was true about me is not. If the myths I once thought were true have been quashed – what else am I capable of?

However positive all this may be – I have been having a nagging sensation about the seeds of my motivation for the half. Maybe what this is about is needing the medical, the recognition from others and most importantly the praise.

This all seemed to feed together when I happened upon a condition that I heard people talking about, people that I knew who thought that I might be affected by it. I believe, since having done some research that it is common amongst many of us and can explain my uneasiness about the marathon and past behaviors.

The first article I read about People Pleasing syndrome shocked me as from the onset I ticked every box

  • Do you apologise often? – yes
  • Do you feel responsible for how other people feel? – yes
  • Do you feel guilty for saying no? – yes again!
  • Do you practice conflict avoidance and have confused boundaries? – guess what? Yes!
  • Do I need praise to feel good? – Oh my goodness!!!!

Deep down, I have always know I have always known that I was a people pleaser. That I find myself in situations where I avoid confrontation, avoid giving my real feelings for the fear of being disliked, of over promising to please then disappointing people when I cannot deliver. Having read some more, it has been said that people pleasing has evolved as a way to maintain connection and closeness – but the crazy thing is – how can any connections be real if you are afraid of being your authentic self? How can you truly be proud of running a half marathon if all you are doing it for is to impress others and get the ‘well done’ that I crave?

This barrier to reaching my full potential completely aligned with two books I have read recently – Loving Kindness by Sharon Salzberg and Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach .

Radical Acceptance: Awakening the Love That Heals Fear and Shame
Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness

These books were recommended a while back when I was having therapy. The type of therapy I was going through was linked to the Buddhist teachings of Compassion based therapy. Very simply put its based on the idea of accepting yourself, accepting others and becoming more interconnected to others, for example if you have compassion for yourself and love yourself more, others will not be threat or competition. Linked to the Buddhist concept of the idea that we suffer as we cannot accept that life is eternally moving, we are always trying to hold on to something and cannot be in the moment. If we can practice compassion and wisdom, we can live a more peaceful and fulfilled life. The idea of acceptance would mean, that I would no longer feel the need for praise and to gratify others, my marathon would be for me and no body else, I could be my true authentic self and take pleasure from my connectedness with others.

Shaolin Kung Fu is one of the oldest and most famous styles of Kung Fu, it combines Chan philosophy and martial arts. A friend cam round the other night and played me a video of their training as they have a passion for martial arts, The reason why I mentioned this was because I was fascinated by the combination of mental and physical training which links to the Buddhist ideas mentioned above. Standing, sleeping, awake or asleep the warrior always practices, the warrior and the person are one. Obviously I am not going to go to China and join the monastery where these monks train every hour of every day but watching the monks train I feel that there is something I can learn from them that would help me over come my people pleasing and increase my stamina to complete my half marathon.

  1. Never give up – if your heart is strong you can accomplish anything
  2. Turn yourself into zero – try and let go of everything that comes into your life, stress, anxiety etc
  3. Meditate – from early morning to late night we are bombarded by messages – these are not good or bad but we can loose track of ourselves in a noisy world
  4. Accept change – Accept that everything moves, moments are moments – let go of the past be in the presen. Embrace every person that you ever meet – be happy and accept people are just moving around
  5. Practise more – talk less

This blog is a bit jumbled, I fear I have tried to create a thread out of things that seem random but actually it simply comes down to this

  • Be a warrior
  • Practise self compassion and compassion to others

I think if I do these things the sky is the limit

Love always

Ruby xx