Tag: confidence

Embracing being alone

‘Alone by herself, she built the kingdom she wanted’ R.H. SIN

A substantial amount of time has passed, once again a ridiculous amount has happened and change is once again afoot. A half marathon run (yes I bloody did it!), a promotion, a COVID Christmas, a break up are to name a few just give more evidence for the inability of life to stay still. Proof that once again how one feels right now is not how one is going to feel in the future. This constant change used to give me a huge sense of fear – both in feeling happy (that that feeling would not be sustained and be snatched away) and when in the grips of anxiety – that this would last forever. Pain is not permanent and the avoidance of pain should not be what drives our decisions and actions.

It is reminding myself of this that I made a recent decision to approach my relationships from this very idea. I am embarking, at the moment, on the greatest relationship of all, a relationship with myself. After attempting to avoid pain and wanting to feel safe and loved I felt that actually staying in these relationships didn’t provide respite from any of these. I used to believe that being alone would cause me to behave in destructive ways – that I needed a person to answer to and to be my anchor. I could not possibly know what is best for me so best hand that responsibility to someone else. Having these ‘stories’ about myself drove my needs, thoughts, choices all underground ( I have talked about people pleasing before) and I just accepted what was given, even when it was barely enough. By relying on this learned behaviour, you become reliant on your partner for your validation of everything, so when you don’t get the, ‘you look nice’, or they do not read your blog, or fail to acknowledge any of your achievements, it then turns itself around. The negative thoughts start again, with questions and ideas such as ‘I must be ugly’, ‘this is all I deserve’ ‘I can’t get more because I am not loveable’ and ‘what is wrong with me?’. Having re read Kristen Neff’s Self Compassion (read it, it will change your life!) I discovered that by in attempt to avoid pain I was actually causing myself more of it with these relationships. What if I gave myself the very validation that I had been looking for? By relying on validation from others there will only be disappointment and by accepting what we think we ‘deserve’ we will never be fulfilled.

Since being alone, I have in fact no embarked upon any destructive behaviour (unless you count Tinder, but that’s a story for another day) and have in fact started to enjoy being by myself. I have been making plans for adventures that I want to have and feel a new sense of freedom that I do not have to negotiate with anyone else, or have someone come with me, whose heart isn’t really in it. For the first time my needs are acknowledged and allowed and I can honestly say I feel better about myself and my abilities than I ever have. Maybe one day I may want to share that with someone, but if that doesn’t happen, I am ok with that. I would far rather be living my adventurous life embracing new experiences and saying yes more, than feel unworthy and compromised.

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The Brave and the Bold

“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.” Brene Brown

It has been awhile since I have written – this is partly due to a mini crisis of confidence – (why am I writing a blog? What’s the point? etc etc) but also due to the summer holidays. Summer holidays are great but they also present some challenges, such as keeping three small people entertained and from killing each other. So far we have managed to do that and I have also managed to be in keeping with taking up new challenges – again things that I would not have thought possible two years ago. 

Before I go in this I had said in my previous blog that I was going to write about going to gyms. I wanted to mention some of my experiences and then some tips that have helped me enjoy going rather than seeing them as palaces of doom. 

I had never really been to gyms, when I was at college and university everyone smoked and drank coffee and never went to gyms, gyms were for only the exceptionally sporty – an alien race for me growing up. Fast forward to 2019 and gyms are everywhere and are commonplace in our society, but for me they still held connotations of a world that was removed from me, attractive people being good at sport and everyone staring at everyone else. Don’t get me wrong some gyms are still like this and even recently I went to one and had a small panic attack and was glad to leave, but there are also many that are not like that or not like that at certain times. 

Anyway, below are some tips below which I feel have helped me: 

  1. Wear something you feel good in, I would go with all black – leggings and top (loose if you are anxious), decent trainers (TK maxx for all of the above). If you feel comfortable and OK and don’t have holes in the crotch this will help. When I first went to a gym, I didn’t have the right clothes – I had old maternity trousers with hole in the crotch and I was standing next to this woman who was like a goddess – and I wanted to cry and nearly ran out – but I had a very good friend with me (remember the power of the right people?) and it was OK, but dont wear clothes with holes in, or stand next to the goddess’s. 
  1. Do your research of gyms – this can unfortunately only be achieved by going – day passes are a good idea and many do open days/free trials. Different gyms suit different people AND also think about the times – go when you will actually be able to go – then you can see the type of crowd that go when you do. My gym is great when I go Saturday mornings – quiet, lots of older people, not too many maniacs but at certain times when I have changed my schedule – it’s been full of young people and very crowded 
  1. You don’t need a personal trainer if you have a good experienced friend to show you how to use the equipment. I have seen many personal trainers who basically aren’t very good and if you do use one – use your trial gym sessions to watch them with other clients or go on a recommendation
  1. If you feel super anxious when you first start going I would just head to a stationary bike or treadmill and go on there for about 15/20 minutes just to get your bearings and calm down and get adjusted to the new environment. 
  1. If you really really hate it and you have tried a few gyms several times then maybe gyms aren’t for you and thats OK to, there are lots of other things you can try (more on that in the future). 

I have actually been going to the gym less this holiday and this is not just due to a lack of opportunity. It has been down to me having the confidence and desire to try other activities. I have started playing…netball!  Netball used to produce some sort of allergic reaction in me and made me think of scary big girls who were super competitive and popular, but thanks to some encouragement from a friend, I went to play in a casual ‘back to netball’ scheme. It was amazing, and I loved it, partly because everyone was so friendly and even though most of the players were more experienced than me, they totally encouraged and supported me and I have been again and am even thinking about joining a team – literally when I told my mum she was so shocked as in her mind she remembers the old me who would have rather put my hand in a wasps nest then done anything like that. 

The other activity that I have tried is..surfing! This one was not quite as successful – not in terms of how I felt but in how hard it was! This one is one that has been something that I have admired from afar and have always believed that its one of those activities that goes beyond being a sport for the mental health benefits that this brings has been widely documented. So I tried with my daughter and although I was pretty awful what I liked about it was that for the first time in as long as I can remember, I wasn’t thinking about anything else but just the sea, not what I looked like or how I was letting myself down, it was completely clear – which was a very powerful feeling. I also loved the fact that I was doing something like this with my daughter rather than standing on the sidelines. 

A friend of mine said it was about being brave and bold and this is the attitude I am trying to adopt in all areas – if I can do these two things in a month – what else is possible?

Thanks for reading

Ruby x