Barriers and Boundaries

“The mind is like a fertile garden,” Bruce said. “It will grow anything you wish to plant—beautiful flowers or weeds. And so it is with successful, healthy thoughts or with negative ones that will, like weeds, strangle and crowd the others. Do not allow negative thoughts to enter your mind for they are the weeds that strangle confidence.”
― Joe Hyams, Zen In The Martial Arts

“Only through practice and more practice, until you can do something without conscious effort.”
― Joe Hyams, Zen in the Martial Arts

I went for a run last night and after running about two kilometers and I had to stop, I felt exhausted and had a tightness in my chest that I had never experienced before. I started to panic – stopped and took deep breaths until the pain subsided, admitted defeat and walked home. As I was walking a new kind of tightness began this time brought on by feelings of panic, my thoughts racing, ‘what if I can’t run anymore? how I am going to run the half marathon in six weeks? You won’t able to to do it, you have failed, I will never be able to do it.’ This point has been building as in this last week I have been feeling increasingly anxious about the race in September, that my running has plateaued and I have even got slower, finding even my shorter runs more challenging. This anxiety has triggered my old feelings of failure and wanting to give up. It has all been feeling insurmountable.

What is different this time is that I have been developing my knowledge and insight of my old habits and have been taking practical steps to address negative thinking. This time, rather than giving up and writing it off, I have been doing some research into how to up my distance and feel that many of the lessons learned from reading about compassion based thinking will help me.

A book which I have recently read taps into the traps of negative thinking and how it can create barriers to progress is ‘Zen and the Martial Arts’ by Jo Hyames: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Zen-Martial-Arts-Joe-Hyams/dp/0874771013/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=zen+and+the+martial+arts&qid=1628321279&sr=8-2

You might ask, what has this got to do with increasing distance in running? Well, this book was fascinating, it is about martial arts but more so about the philosophy and principles which underpin martial arts which can be used in every aspect of life, running included.

So how is this going to help me and what steps am I going to take? Well the first is to remember that training the mind is just as important as the body – in fact the mental stamina required to keep going is vital but also needs building over time in the same way we train our bodies. One of the ways it suggests to do this – which I am going to start is firstly to constantly remind myself that I have the potential, I could not even do five kilmetres a year ago, now I can do ten, I have proved to myself I can do something I thought I could not do and I can do it again. This reminder can come in the form of mantra, a ‘go to’ when I hit a wall, my mantra will be:

“I have achieved things I have never thought possible”

“Think of what else is possible”

The next method or principle of Zen to adopt is ‘Process over Product”. This can simply be put as ‘learning the mindful trait of the activity itself’. J Hyams. I think what made me panic yesterday was the thought of the race, the deadline, it feels looming. Although I am a advocate of goals and challenges – the book suggests that we can become too focused on the end product and loose the ability to focus on the task at hand, rushing it away and not taking joy from the activity, in the book when Hyams adopts this to his martial arts training he says ‘when I eliminated the deadline from my mind it was like removing a weight from my body.’ He also adopted this method for when he was writing his book, he wrote better and ended up meeting the deadline. This one will be hard, but to remember why I started running and the pure enjoyment I get from running need to be the focus – the race is/was secondary – a celebration of what I have achieved, rather than a barrier.

My final step is that I am going to stop alcohol. I am not usually a fan of total bans – it tends to create cravings and things that are ‘off limits’ then become exciting and ‘forbidden’ which then inevitably leads to failure. I have, however noticed that I my alcohol consumption has increased and is effecting my sleep which of course is going to affect my performance. I am going to try this for this week and see what happens. I feel I need a clear head and if I am to train my mind then having a healthy mind free from the affects of alcohol will be the way forward. My alcohol levels have increased since the break down of my marriage last year and I am acutely aware that it has been used as a crutch and then crutch’s become habits, habits are then relied on and then are hard to break, then they become addictions. I am going to see how this one goes.

Although I felt anxious and disheartened yesterday, I am excited that I am able to see more clearly and apply the lessons I have learned into a way forward rather than entering the cycle of negative thinking. This must be progress surely and hopefully this can manifest itself into kilometres

If anyone has any tips on how to increase the distance – please get in touch!

Love, always

Ruby xx

Wisdom and Compassion

“True acceptance doesn’t require you to fit in or change who you are. It doesn’t have to be sought; it is given to you.” Yong Kang Chan – A Journey from Loneliness to Deep Connection

” We have become conditioned to compromise and shrink ourselves in order to be liked. The problem is, when you work so hard to get everyone to like you, you very often end up not liking yourself so much.” Reshma Saujani – Brave, Not Perfect

As mentioned before, I have recently signed up for a half marathon for September. It has been one of my goals, I want a medal, I want the acknowledgement. It will demonstrate achievement and will be a physical symbol of how what I once thought was true about me is not. If the myths I once thought were true have been quashed – what else am I capable of?

However positive all this may be – I have been having a nagging sensation about the seeds of my motivation for the half. Maybe what this is about is needing the medical, the recognition from others and most importantly the praise.

This all seemed to feed together when I happened upon a condition that I heard people talking about, people that I knew who thought that I might be affected by it. I believe, since having done some research that it is common amongst many of us and can explain my uneasiness about the marathon and past behaviors.

The first article I read about People Pleasing syndrome shocked me as from the onset I ticked every box

Do you apologise often? – yes
Do you feel responsible for how other people feel? – yes
Do you feel guilty for saying no? – yes again!
Do you practice conflict avoidance and have confused boundaries? – guess what? Yes!
Do I need praise to feel good? – Oh my goodness!!!!

Deep down, I have always know I have always known that I was a people pleaser. That I find myself in situations where I avoid confrontation, avoid giving my real feelings for the fear of being disliked, of over promising to please then disappointing people when I cannot deliver. Having read some more, it has been said that people pleasing has evolved as a way to maintain connection and closeness – but the crazy thing is – how can any connections be real if you are afraid of being your authentic self? How can you truly be proud of running a half marathon if all you are doing it for is to impress others and get the ‘well done’ that I crave?

This barrier to reaching my full potential completely aligned with two books I have read recently – Loving Kindness by Sharon Salzberg and Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach .

Radical Acceptance: Awakening the Love That Heals Fear and Shame

Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness

These books were recommended a while back when I was having therapy. The type of therapy I was going through was linked to the Buddhist teachings of Compassion based therapy. Very simply put its based on the idea of accepting yourself, accepting others and becoming more interconnected to others, for example if you have compassion for yourself and love yourself more, others will not be threat or competition. Linked to the Buddhist concept of the idea that we suffer as we cannot accept that life is eternally moving, we are always trying to hold on to something and cannot be in the moment. If we can practice compassion and wisdom, we can live a more peaceful and fulfilled life. The idea of acceptance would mean, that I would no longer feel the need for praise and to gratify others, my marathon would be for me and no body else, I could be my true authentic self and take pleasure from my connectedness with others.

Shaolin Kung Fu is one of the oldest and most famous styles of Kung Fu, it combines Chan philosophy and martial arts. A friend cam round the other night and played me a video of their training as they have a passion for martial arts, The reason why I mentioned this was because I was fascinated by the combination of mental and physical training which links to the Buddhist ideas mentioned above. Standing, sleeping, awake or asleep the warrior always practices, the warrior and the person are one. Obviously I am not going to go to China and join the monastery where these monks train every hour of every day but watching the monks train I feel that there is something I can learn from them that would help me over come my people pleasing and increase my stamina to complete my half marathon.

Never give up – if your heart is strong you can accomplish anything
Turn yourself into zero – try and let go of everything that comes into your life, stress, anxiety etc
Meditate – from early morning to late night we are bombarded by messages – these are not good or bad but we can loose track of ourselves in a noisy world
Accept change – Accept that everything moves, moments are moments – let go of the past be in the presen. Embrace every person that you ever meet – be happy and accept people are just moving around
Practise more – talk less

This blog is a bit jumbled, I fear I have tried to create a thread out of things that seem random but actually it simply comes down to this

Be a warrior
Practise self compassion and compassion to others

I think if I do these things the sky is the limit

Love always

Ruby xx

Transformation Central

“Transformation isn’t sweet and bright. It’s a dark and murky, painful pushing. An unraveling of the untruths you’ve carried in your body. A practice in facing your own created demons. A complete uprooting, before becoming.” Victoria Erickson

A central theme from my blog is about change. This one specifically is about my change – focusing on myself when I was in my twenties, no now – edging closer to forty.

A student I used to teach who I know work with, came into work with a selection of photos – including the one on the left. When I saw this photo I felt a mixture of shock and sadness. Shock as I had deliberately pushed this part of my life away and had not come face to face with this ‘me’ and then sadness as I remembered how unhappy I was, how trapped and how I carried around such a sense of shame. I find it incredibly difficult to look at these photos but want to use this as a basis to talk about transformation.

It seems to me people romanticise their youth, or others who are younger than me do not want to get older. Some wish to return to their youth but for me I would not want to go back to that time. I feel frustrated that I wasted so much time hiding, avoiding and not taking part and not realising that I could have done so much more.

So what has changed and how has this happened:

Physically:

Exercise: I can honestly say that the single most influential factor on change is exercise. I am physically fitter and stronger than I ever was in my twenties. I have blogged about the power of physical movement many times and probably sound like stuck record – but it has been the key to change. It has linked to a change of mindset, how I view myself and my capabilities. On a physical/exterior level it has changed my body shape, my face looks slimmer and made my overall appearance look healthier. Currently I am doing three to four home workouts a week (at the end of the blog is a lower body sample beginners routine) and run two to three times a week (try the couch to 5 k app, get decent trainers, a good sound track and just start doing it – you won’t regret it!)

Taking pride/self care: This is so important! I used to make minimal effort, cut my own hair, it was as if I didn’t feel I was worth it. I felt silly and embarrassed and feel I would draw too much attention to myself if I wore make up. Doing more exercise helped me reconnect with my physical self and understand that I had to treat my body with care. Fake tan for me has been such a huge confidence booster – I feel better when tanned but having pale Irish skin and not wanting to be wrinkled, I have to fake it. It hides celulite, stretch marks and can make you look thinner and more toned. I have tried and tested nearly every brand going and my top choices at the moment are,

Bondi Sands every day tanning milk https://bondisands.co.uk/products/everyday-gradual-tanning-milk

Vita Liberata Body Blur Sunless Glow HD Skin Finish 100ml - Feelunique — https://www.vitaliberata.co.uk/body-blur-sunless-glow-latte/

Vita liberata body blur sunless glow – this is like make up for the body and adds tan – totally amazing!

I also now take much better care of my skin, this is so important as you get older. I was diagnosed with acne rosacea about three years ago and have suffered with redness and hideous break outs. I will blog about my journey through rosacea but highly recommend the Medik8t range : https://www.medik8.com/

Mentally/Internally:

I feel that my connecting with my physical self this has made a huge impact on my mental self. I care less about what others think and feel as if I am ‘living’ much more than that picture of my on the right. I feel that I can set goals that I used to think were impossible and no longer write things off because I don’t think I can do it.

Although growing old can be scary, for me being stuck and trapped in a cycle of shame is far more terrifying and I fee excited about what else can be achieved.

Let me know about your transformations

Love Ruby xx

Lower body home workout: (takes about 25 mins)

Warm up:

20 body squats (keep heels on the ground and don’t let your knees cave_

20 reverse lunges

20 jumping jacks

Make sure you stretch!!

Set 1 (two exercises back to back followed by 30 sec rest – three rounds)

Using dumbbells place them on your shoulders and complete 12 squats x 12

Lying leg abduction (using a resistance band) – Lying side on – legs straight and raise one up as far as you can x 10 each leg

Legs - Side Lying Lateral leg raises with Short Resistance Band - FIT CARROTS | Premium Fitness Tools For Functional and Regeneration Training — Lying leg abduction

Set 2 (two exercises back to back followed by 30 sec rest – three rounds)

Glute bridge using dumbbells’ and/or resistance band – keep heels flat and hold for 15 secs at the top x 12

Does my butt look big in these genes? - FitnessGenes® — Glute bridge

Split squats – using a chair and dumbbells x 10 each leg

Set 3 (two exercises back to back followed by 30 sec rest – three rounds)

Reverse lunges using dumbbells x 12 each leg

Donkey kicks x 15 each leg

Finisher: 20 jump squats x 20

Back to the start

It has been a while since my last blog. I have not felt ready to write or even had the organisation of thought to have anything coherent to say – almost too much to say but not being able to make sense of it.

I made a huge decision last year to end my relationship, a decision that did not come quickly or easily, but one that I couldn’t turn from. After 16 years I could not go on any longer – this isn’t the forum to explain and start blaming – this blog is about my thoughts and views. The theme that underpins the blog is moving forward and making changes that seem insurmountable and that by sharing my story it may help, support and give courage to others who find themselves trapped by the way they see themselves.

The reason for this decision stemmed from lock down, I think I wrote about how lock down brought into sharp focus what my life was. if I took away all the destrations and just had what I had – I realised it wasn’t what I wanted.

I remember feeling angry and jealous at people who seemed to be relishing the increased time together and releasing that if it came down to it and that was all there was then it was not OK. I felt ashamed and deeply sad.

It became clear that I had always felt within my relationship that I had to change and that my core self was flawed and wrong, I needed correcting and moulding but I was never enough. This has been a pattern with many of my romantic relationships – I have always had the scraps, or parts of people and they have only wanted parts of me, I have always felt never good enough. I have come to the conclusion that I would rather be alone than never be enough.

There is also a deep sense of sadness and shame that my family is now broken, that I have a failed marriage, that I don’t own a house, that I may not be as good a parent as my half because sometimes I forget to brush their teeth. I feel angry that I am nearly 39 and I am starting again. I feel ashamed that I wasn’t always the best wife. I have spent a lot of time analysing and thinking that maybe it was all my fault? I remember my therapist saying there is no such thing as the ‘truth’ only the different truths or stories, and I am starting to apply this theory to the last 16 years, there is his story and there is mine.

One thing that has taken deep roots is that I have no regrets, whatever happens and however uncertain my future is – I physically and mentally could not have continued.

Rather than ramble on, I have decided to summarise what the last year has taught me and what advice and ‘wisdom’ (haha!) I can pass on to others who feel trapped and who are anxious about making big changes:

Friends are one of the most important support systems you have – I can honestly say, hand on heart I could not have done any of this without my amazing friends. They have been non-judgmental, no loaded comments but supportive and incredibly practical! I moved out with nothing and through amazing people, I furnished a house with no money – through donations from friends but also unlikely sources. Remember to talk to your friends – they love you, it’s very humbling and it also links to the other point…
You can do anything – this sounds cheesy and much more doable when you have amazing friends. I was told, and believed that I would not be able to do this, that I couldn’t run a house, have the children due to work, get a place etc etc and I have done it all, changed my job to help accommodate the children – I even got a promotion! It’s hard and it takes some creative thinking – but there is always a way!

Reach out – This again links to the points above – part of what helped me was being honest with people – especially with work – don’t try and do it all alone, think of it like this -if you had a friend who needed you, you would have, in a heartbeat, wouldn’t you?
You are in control. This journey has been about being in control of my own life, not trying to change or living a life that was not mind, although I spend a lot of the time terrified – I am in charge – I decide.
Ditch the shame. I have written about this before but shame is such a destructive emotion – I have felt shame about what and who I am, I especially felt it when realising my marriage was over. As shame is so awful it can make us do nearly anything to run away from it – alcohol, shopping or even more destructive behaviours. Shame only thrives when it is a secret – own your shame – look it in the face, talk about it and watch it shrivel and die. By looking at your achievements and removing the negative sources you will see it shrink. Look at where you started.
Single parenting – this is tough but not as tough as we can make it out to be, one big worry which I had was about the impact this would all have on the children. It obviously does have an impact, but seeing their parents healthy and happy – who they can model their behavior on is what will protect them and give them their best chances. I strongly believe this should not be a reason to stay, it will eat you up and your kids will see you.

Things that still worry me –

Being alone – but as I said before rather be alone that not living how I want to live
The feeling of starting all over again – renting, no house – nearly 40, all my friends being proper grown ups
Work and being able to achieve and succeed
Being a good mum – am I too slack? Do I miss things? Are they all getting what they need when there is only 1 of me now?

Sometimes it all feels like it’s all precariously balanced – like a house of cards that could all fall down at any time – but the key is is that its y house of cards nobody else’s.

(I haven’t mentioned dFitness and health so much this in this blog, but in my next one I am going to be writing about my running training and my home workouts – which have had to be adapted and changed due to single parenting – watch this space)

Please share with anyone you feel needs some support and any comments or feedback are always welcome

Love

Ruby xx

Featured

The Pursuit of Happiness

“Once we’ve achieved what we have always wanted, we suddenly discover a new need, a new sense of something lacking. And so we travail on, in search of this new accomplishment, this new change-of-life, in the hope that, this time, the sense of contentment will be permanent…But then, when you have reached this new plateau of achievement you find yourself wondering: can you sustain this all now? Might it slip away from you? Or -worse yet – might you tire of it all, and discover that what you had in the past was actually what you wanted all along?” Douglas Kennedy -Temptation

I have not written for a long time for the main reason that lock down has really tested my limits, but, as well as and as a product of this, I have learnt some powerful lessons.

When people first started talking about the possibility of lock down, I honestly could not fathom it, and then when it did hit, full blown panic set it. I would go through these motions of, ‘what am I going to do?’ All the things in my life that I have built and created to keep me sane are being taken away from me. Seeing friends, the gym, my job to a certain degree, all of those interactions with people that I thrive on – gone, and my biggest fear: ‘how am I going to cope with my children?’ I would then get the guilt of ‘well, why can’t you cope just being at home with your kids? What’s wrong with me for feeling like this? I must be a bad person to panic about being at home with them that much?’ In those first few weeks I went into meltdown and was feeling jealous and angry at others – even very close friends who appeared to be enjoying aspects, scrolling through social media feeling bitter at people baking, and taking romantic walks and then again feeling self loathing at – ‘what was wrong with me? I should be OK, I love my family – why do I feel like this?’ It was from this though that I managed – through the patience of my friends and my beautiful children, to pull myself together. I have learnt so much and although it has been a painful journey I am starting to come out of the other side.

The first route out was a brutally honest conversation I had with a friend, through this friend they taught me that just because some people are doing something that I can’t do, or is different to me, does not make it a negative about me and that everyone is struggling in their own way and are finding ways to make it through. I have taken this advice to heart as I have spent time realising that I had been using this coping mechanism with everything in my life. Someone bakes some bread – ‘well I can’t’ cook so I am shit’. I needed to take the lessons learned from exercise and fitness – how I used to feel about that and the people that did it, I needed to apply that to all areas of life.

The other aspect that has helped was running. I had started running with a friend before and had enjoyed it but not really focused on it, it was more of an add on to the gym and a way to spend time with a friend. When lock down started – I truly thought that I could not run without this friend and that again sent me into a spiral of negativity. I then decided to try it, more as a way to take a break from the house, I also decided to run to music. Music is a very powerful motivator and I spent quite a substantial amount of time constructing a motivating playlist. I also got better running shoes (for those new to running and on a budget I highly recommend Adidas galaxy running trainer around £40), I then got a strap for my arm to track my distance – again this helps as I like to know how fast and have goals. I then started to go at 5pm and guess what? I loved it, and realised that I could go quite a lot faster with music. These small successes of beating my minute per mile, is what I needed to feel like I was achieving something, and the rush of getting faster and faster was a feeling that I have become a bit addicted to. I now run as often as I can – but have to be careful as novice runners like myself are prone to injuries especially if you try to push it too much. I recommend picking a good 5 k route and working on that until you are at a pace you are happy with then upping if from there. I also recommend the free adidas running app as it is so motivational and helps track progress effectively.

I also panicked about not being able to go to the gym as again I thought there would be no way I could maintain what I had gained through the gym – that it was the gym space, the equipment, the whole aspect of being in a different environment that was at the core of my drive. As time has passed I have realised that it doesn’t have to be like that – the motivation comes from inside – the space/place should not be at the heart. I have understood the power of simple body weight exercises, carving out a little space in your home, using youtube, finding routines that work. Press ups, jump squats, pull ups, dips on a bench, skipping are all amazing ways to build fitness and require so little. I knew that if I didn’t get some sort of routine with my fitness and adapt I really would be screwed, with the kids around it is harder, but I often get them to do Joe Wicks and I do it with them and then adapt, when Jon is home, I have made a space upstairs which i call my ‘home gym’, I have created my own routines and schedules and just up the reps or sets when you can’t up the weights. Heather Robertson is also an excellent trainer to follow on youtube – her work outs are simple and minimal talking.

My final ‘lesson’ and perhaps the most important one. Reasling that just ‘being’ with my children without having millions of activities and plans was not something to fear. I think deep down maybe I have hid from being a mum in part and hid behind work because I was scared that I wouldn’t be very good at it, I don’t bake, I am messy and lax about rules. I was forced, under lock down to actually reconnect with that side of me and find my own way. Being honest, it has pushed my patience to its limits and I have missed adult company, but I have found that my three little bears are the biggest teachers of all. They just want me, they don’t care if I am not good at something, they just want my time and for the first time in forever I have been able to give it to them. I still can’t bake, but I have also learnt so much about them and how good fun they can be,I am also a very good goalkeeper and great at being a dinosaur and attempting dance routines (I still can’t dance).

I believe that – for me and I know is true for society we are constantly searching for something, rushing around, trying to do better, have a goal, and aspects of that are great – but sometimes in all this searching you have missed your actual life, too busy going on to the next thing. Once I had got over, what felt like the microscope on my marriage and my parenting I have worked out that I am the only one who was judging, and that if I just take the pressure off I can get the joy out of the small things, and that I can just ‘be’ and enjoy my coffee, playing. I still have days where I am tearing my hair out and trying to juggle three little separate demands and trying to do my job has been very testing but I don’t need to be the top of the class, they don’t care – they think I am great and that is enough.

Thanks for reading – please get in touch with your lock down struggles, I can also share my workouts and running playlists if anyone is interested

Love always

Ruby

Featured

The Brave and the Bold

“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.” Brene Brown

It has been awhile since I have written – this is partly due to a mini crisis of confidence – (why am I writing a blog? What’s the point? etc etc) but also due to the summer holidays. Summer holidays are great but they also present some challenges, such as keeping three small people entertained and from killing each other. So far we have managed to do that and I have also managed to be in keeping with taking up new challenges – again things that I would not have thought possible two years ago.

Before I go in this I had said in my previous blog that I was going to write about going to gyms. I wanted to mention some of my experiences and then some tips that have helped me enjoy going rather than seeing them as palaces of doom.

I had never really been to gyms, when I was at college and university everyone smoked and drank coffee and never went to gyms, gyms were for only the exceptionally sporty – an alien race for me growing up. Fast forward to 2019 and gyms are everywhere and are commonplace in our society, but for me they still held connotations of a world that was removed from me, attractive people being good at sport and everyone staring at everyone else. Don’t get me wrong some gyms are still like this and even recently I went to one and had a small panic attack and was glad to leave, but there are also many that are not like that or not like that at certain times.

Anyway, below are some tips below which I feel have helped me:

Wear something you feel good in, I would go with all black – leggings and top (loose if you are anxious), decent trainers (TK maxx for all of the above). If you feel comfortable and OK and don’t have holes in the crotch this will help. When I first went to a gym, I didn’t have the right clothes – I had old maternity trousers with hole in the crotch and I was standing next to this woman who was like a goddess – and I wanted to cry and nearly ran out – but I had a very good friend with me (remember the power of the right people?) and it was OK, but dont wear clothes with holes in, or stand next to the goddess’s.

Do your research of gyms – this can unfortunately only be achieved by going – day passes are a good idea and many do open days/free trials. Different gyms suit different people AND also think about the times – go when you will actually be able to go – then you can see the type of crowd that go when you do. My gym is great when I go Saturday mornings – quiet, lots of older people, not too many maniacs but at certain times when I have changed my schedule – it’s been full of young people and very crowded

You don’t need a personal trainer if you have a good experienced friend to show you how to use the equipment. I have seen many personal trainers who basically aren’t very good and if you do use one – use your trial gym sessions to watch them with other clients or go on a recommendation

If you feel super anxious when you first start going I would just head to a stationary bike or treadmill and go on there for about 15/20 minutes just to get your bearings and calm down and get adjusted to the new environment.

If you really really hate it and you have tried a few gyms several times then maybe gyms aren’t for you and thats OK to, there are lots of other things you can try (more on that in the future).

I have actually been going to the gym less this holiday and this is not just due to a lack of opportunity. It has been down to me having the confidence and desire to try other activities. I have started playing…netball! Netball used to produce some sort of allergic reaction in me and made me think of scary big girls who were super competitive and popular, but thanks to some encouragement from a friend, I went to play in a casual ‘back to netball’ scheme. It was amazing, and I loved it, partly because everyone was so friendly and even though most of the players were more experienced than me, they totally encouraged and supported me and I have been again and am even thinking about joining a team – literally when I told my mum she was so shocked as in her mind she remembers the old me who would have rather put my hand in a wasps nest then done anything like that.

The other activity that I have tried is..surfing! This one was not quite as successful – not in terms of how I felt but in how hard it was! This one is one that has been something that I have admired from afar and have always believed that its one of those activities that goes beyond being a sport for the mental health benefits that this brings has been widely documented. So I tried with my daughter and although I was pretty awful what I liked about it was that for the first time in as long as I can remember, I wasn’t thinking about anything else but just the sea, not what I looked like or how I was letting myself down, it was completely clear – which was a very powerful feeling. I also loved the fact that I was doing something like this with my daughter rather than standing on the sidelines.

A friend of mine said it was about being brave and bold and this is the attitude I am trying to adopt in all areas – if I can do these two things in a month – what else is possible?

Thanks for reading

Ruby x

Motivational Forces at Work

“Don’t make friends who are comfortable to be with. Make friends who will force you to lever yourself up.”

– Thomas J. Watson

“Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great.”

– Mark Twain

I wanted my blog today to begin to actually give practical advice about how to start incorporating exercise into your life in a non-threatening way. The advice will not be from a trained or qualified professional but just from someone with experience of going from fear to love.

My first two blogs were mainly about mindset and overcoming perceived hurdles to change but I need to address what actually happened for those changes to begin in the first place.

For me the pivotal time when was I started a new job in September of 2018 which was around two years after the birth of my third child. This was when my body confidence was at an all time low, my weight had yo-yo’d significantly. Starting a new job, I was once again on a ‘diet’. (I will post in the future about ‘diets’ but again very much like my relationship with exercise, my relationship with food was one that I would not describe as healthy.)

It was when I started my new job that two people entered my life, both of which have had a significant impact on the way I view physical activity. They shall remain anonymous but both of these people provided very different forms of inspiration and motivation.

One pf these people is someone who has taught me how to use exercise as a way to carve out time for myself. We go to the gym together, have a coffee, we make it a social time, a time for catch up, enjoying the company. This person supports, encourages and makes it fun, so that it is now part of my social life, time away from my responsibilities of work and being a mother. This, I would suggest, is a great way to start, find a friend that you can start doing physical activity with. It will make beginning so much easier and less threatening. The other valuable thing about starting out with a friend who is more experienced in this area, is that they can show you how to do the exercises and make sure you are doing them right, support and encourage when you are struggling.

This person helped exercise become a regular part of my life by building it into a routine. I always had the excuse that I didn’t have time, but now every Saturday morning – tthe gym with my friend and afterwards we have a coffee, we go early as not to impact weekend family time, and thereby I kill a lot of birds with one stone, social time, time to focus on taking care of myself both physically and mentally and a way to spend time with my friend.

The other person was someone I met at work. This person from first impressions was the epitome of everything I was not, and would not normally or ‘on paper’ (I really hate that expression) be someone that I would have as a friend. This person taught me that this ‘pigeonholing’ or ‘labeling’ of both others in and myself was what had been holding me back. This person was young, confident, sporty – like I said – opposite to me! From getting to know this person, I found that they were able to help me in so many ways, they live their life to the absolute maximum, pack everything in and make the most of every opportunity. This love of life is infectious and has enabled me take on new challenges and not to be a passenger in my own life.

Although these two people were the trigger, I am lucky to have a lot of people in my life who have helped support me including my husband and children. Support is key for making changes, as it is so tough to change habits and attitudes that have been built up over thirty plus years.

You may find that when you start to make changes that some people in your life might that difficult or threatening. This was how I used to be, change was to be feared, it’s the unknown and many people may project that fear on to you. Try to drown out the noise and make sure that you and your ‘fitness friend’ can speak about this, it will help keep you focused.

My advice is to find a fitness friend and start doing one activity a week with that person, turn it into a social time, make sure you have a treat afterwards and make it something to look forward to.

Next time I am going to write about how to enter a gym without having a minor or major breakdown,

Please share your thoughts on my blog

Best

Ruby x