“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you, so that you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.” Paulo Coelho
“Jaques claimed that people in their mid-30s typically experience a depressive period lasting several years. Jaques—a physician and psychoanalyst—said he’d identified this phenomenon by studying the lives of great artists, in whom it takes an extreme form. In ordinary people symptoms could include religious awakenings, promiscuity, a sudden inability to enjoy life, “hypochondriacal concern over health and appearance,” and “compulsive attempts” to remain young.” The Atlantic 2018
This is what has been described as a ‘midlife crisis’. After doing some research into this area, I found out that this ‘condition’ was first really researched at the start of the twentieth century and has now become terminology that we are familiar with. What always comes to mind when thinking about a midlife crisis is one of negative connotations: leaving partners, desperately trying to recapture youth and engaging in risky-type behaviours.
“The Office for National Statistics reports that 40- to 59-year-olds are the most anxious age group. Marshall believes this anxiety is sparked by a sudden awareness of mortality and a fear of failure; the nagging, nightmarish sense that we will never fulfil our true potential.” The Guardian 2016. This may all be true, but having done some deep thinking about this, I believe that rather than being negative – ‘midlife’ is to be embraced.
As lock down is starting to lift, and the school summer holidays begin, I have been, (as I always do anyway at this time of year) reflecting on the year passed. What has gone well? What have I achieved? And the most important question, how do I want the next year to be? These feelings have been gathering momentum the older I am getting which got me to thinking about the term ‘midlife crisis’, exploring the nature of ‘midlife’ and what it means. As mentioned above, I kept coming across negative feelings and behaviour based on fear responses, but I had a nagging feeling that this wasn’t the whole picture.
The more time passes I have grown to believe that heading towards 40 has created sharpened moments of reflection – what has been and what has become. To me a midlife crisis is like the top of a hill or roller coaster before the descent. The first 40 years are climbing the hill, striving to get to the top. Then when you reach 40 – the climb has ended but have all the things you wanted come to pass or is what you wanted at all in the first place? How do you want the descent to be? How are the next 40 years going to be? This is a pivotal moment. My thoughts at the top have been, do I want more of the same? What have I learnt about myself and what I want? My ‘midlife’ moment is not without fear.
Maybe for many they have realisations that what they have is enough, but the reflection is still useful, to be grateful for that and to cherish what you have and your achievements. But what if you are trapped in a cage? What if you are fighting to get out but the outside is terrifying? What if you and your fear which has placed you in that cage? Do you risk the frustration of staying or risk everything by leaving?
I have realised there are parts of my life which need to change. I have been told that we write a story about ourselves – my story has been too negative and has dictated behaviours which have restricted me. Maybe for each person there is more than one story, and maybe the next 40 years we can learn from the story to make a better one, one with more wisdom and the focus to live the life we are capable of living. Lock down has taught us so much about ourselves. Both painful and beautiful, pulling lives clearly into focus – no blurred edges. Maybe for the first time we are free from distractions and can work out what we need, what is important for us, and then give us the tools to move forward.
I feel that every year that has passed I have grown – I hate that expression, but for me my teens and my 20’s were riddled with self-loathing, anxiety and behavior that was chaotic in an attempt to be someone I wasn’t. Getting older – especially in the last year, has brought with it a feeling of self-acceptance, of being more confident in who I am, realising that there is no ‘truth’ but many truths and stories that make up a person. I therefore think the ‘midlife crisis’ should be given a new definition – rather than it being seen as all negative and self-destructive it should be seen as positive, embarrassing who we are – what we have learnt and what our boundaries are, what are we willing to accept? What do we want to change?
I know that I have learnt that my abilities are greater than what I once thought, I have started writing and started running and continue to improve with my exercise – all of which I never thought I could do, I had written a story about myself which stated that ‘you can’t do that, you not a …. type person’ . I know I have written about this before but exercise has opened my eyes to challenging the image I had of myself and has made me braver at taking on new challenges. My ‘midlife crisis’ is one of taking control of my life and making a new, more positive narrative – being a positive role model for my children, being a good friend and not writing myself off, getting out of the cage no matter how terrifying that might be, as I have realised that staying trapped is far more scary
“People may call what happens at midlife “a crisis”, but it’s not. Its an unraveling – a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you’re “supposed” to live..to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are.” Brene Brown
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