Tag: positivity

Redefining the Midlife Crisis

“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you, so that you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.” Paulo Coelho 

“Jaques claimed that people in their mid-30s typically experience a depressive period lasting several years. Jaques—a physician and psychoanalyst—said he’d identified this phenomenon by studying the lives of great artists, in whom it takes an extreme form. In ordinary people symptoms could include religious awakenings, promiscuity, a sudden inability to enjoy life, “hypochondriacal concern over health and appearance,” and “compulsive attempts” to remain young.” The Atlantic 2018

This is what has been described as a ‘midlife crisis’. After doing some research into this area, I found out that this ‘condition’ was first really researched at the start of the twentieth century and has now become terminology that we are familiar with.  What always comes to mind when thinking about a midlife crisis is one of negative connotations: leaving partners, desperately trying to recapture youth and engaging in risky-type behaviours. 

“The Office for National Statistics reports that 40- to 59-year-olds are the most anxious age group. Marshall believes this anxiety is sparked by a sudden awareness of mortality and a fear of failure; the nagging, nightmarish sense that we will never fulfil our true potential.” The Guardian 2016.  This may all be true, but having done some deep thinking about this, I believe that rather than being negative – ‘midlife’ is to be embraced. 

As lock down is starting to lift, and the school summer holidays begin, I have been, (as I always do anyway at this time of year) reflecting on the year passed. What has gone well? What have I achieved? And the most important question,  how do I want the next year to be? These feelings have been gathering momentum the older I am getting which got me to thinking  about the term ‘midlife crisis’, exploring the nature of ‘midlife’ and what it means. As mentioned above, I kept coming across negative feelings and behaviour based on fear responses, but I had a nagging feeling that this wasn’t the whole picture. 

The more time passes I have grown to believe that heading towards 40 has created sharpened moments of reflection – what has been and what has become. To me a midlife crisis is like the top of a hill or roller coaster before the descent. The first 40 years are climbing the hill, striving to get to the top. Then when you reach 40 – the climb has ended but have all the things you wanted come to pass or is what you wanted at all in the first place? How do you want the descent to be? How are the next 40 years going to be? This is a pivotal moment. My thoughts at the top have been, do I want more of the same? What have I learnt about myself and what I want? My ‘midlife’ moment is not without fear.

Maybe for many they have realisations that what they have is enough, but the reflection is still useful, to be grateful for that and to cherish what you have and your achievements. But what if you are trapped in a cage? What if you are fighting to get out  but the outside is terrifying?  What if you and your fear which has placed  you in that cage? Do you risk the frustration of staying or risk everything by leaving?

I have realised there are parts of my life which need to change. I have been told that we write a story about ourselves – my story has been too negative and has dictated behaviours which have restricted me.  Maybe for each person there is more than one story, and maybe the next 40 years we can learn from the story to make a better one, one with more wisdom and the focus to live the life we are capable of living.  Lock down has taught us so much about ourselves. Both painful and beautiful, pulling lives clearly into focus – no blurred edges.  Maybe for the first time we are free from  distractions and can work out what we need, what is important for us, and then give us the tools to move forward. 

I feel that every year that has passed I have grown – I hate that expression, but for me my teens and my 20’s were riddled with self-loathing, anxiety and behavior that was chaotic in an attempt to be someone I wasn’t. Getting older – especially in the last year, has brought with it a feeling of self-acceptance, of being more confident in who I am, realising that there is no ‘truth’ but many truths and stories that make up a person. I therefore think the ‘midlife crisis’ should be given a new definition – rather than it being seen as all negative and self-destructive it should be seen as positive, embarrassing who we are – what we have learnt and what our boundaries are, what are we willing to accept? What do we want to change? 

I know that I have learnt that my abilities are greater than what I once thought, I have started writing and started running and continue to improve with my exercise – all of which I never thought I could do, I had written a story about myself which stated that ‘you can’t do that, you not a …. type person’ . I know I have written about this before but exercise has opened my eyes to challenging the image I had of myself and has made me braver at taking on new challenges. My ‘midlife crisis’ is one of taking control of my life and making a new,  more positive narrative – being a positive role model for my children, being a good friend and not writing myself off, getting out of the cage no matter how terrifying that might be, as I have realised that staying trapped is far more scary  

“People may call what happens at midlife “a crisis”, but it’s not. Its an unraveling – a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you’re “supposed” to live..to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are.” Brene Brown

The hidden enemy

“Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.”

William Shakespeare

Self-doubt;  the biggest obstacle to your own contentment and happiness. The invisible force that prevents you from doing the things you have always wanted to do, that creates a negative energy that sucks the joy out of new challenges. It spawns jealousy in others who have the self-belief to do the things you have only dreamed of. 

It is the voice in your head that says ‘you could never do that…’/ ‘you wouldn’t be any good’ ‘……… is better than you at that so why bother?’ or it can be the real voices around you that claim to support, it can also plant the seeds of this doubt, ‘do you really want to do that?’ or ‘that’s a bit odd’ when you want to try something different. It can be almost impossible at times to silence these or balance them with reality. Sometimes it’s easier to take the road that is most known to you, to opt out, not do it, give up – it feels safer. Why risk failure? Self-respect? It would just confirm what you already know, that you weren’t good enough – so just stick with things as they are.  

Now I know that most people will at certain points in their lives (even the most confident ones) question whether what we are  doing is  good enough. We reconcile certain choices with the idea ‘I wouldn’t be good enough for that’. But for some this debilitating feeling can actually have them living a completely different life to the one that they truly want, what if they had more courage and self-belief then they could be reaching potential they never knew they had. 

I believe that an element of self-doubt can be useful, it helps you take certain things seriously, your work hard and you think things through – these can be good. I would say that being ‘self-aware’ is vital in relationships with others and can serve well to ensure that we improve ourselves and can reflect, evaluate and move forward. However there is a fine line when this in-depth analysis can paralysis you into doing the things that you have always wanted to do but felt you couldn’t. 

I am writing about this fear, as it is one that I battle with daily and I am sure resonantes with many of us. This could manifest itself in the types of jobs we go for, the groups/sports/challenges we may or may not go for, even to the types of people we surround ourselves with. I have written before about how exercise has helped me so much in dealing with my self-doubt, as when you run a bit faster (or even begin to realise you can run at all!), lift a bit more then you begin to start creating a bank of counter evidence to the ingrained belief that you are not able to do certain things. So below are a few ways in which you might want to try to give yourself a well-needed dose of self-belief

  1. Write a journal or have a notebook where you write  down all your accomplishments – I don’t mean huge life accomplishments, small every day successes – you ran further, you started running, you ate well, you actually got the kids dressed before midday! You met a deadline at work, anything – no matter how small. Then when you have a feeling of self-doubt and look back through the weeks – you will be surprised about how much you have done. We always tend to focus on the things that have gone wrong, the failures but actually when you weigh it all up, the successes outweigh every time. 
  1. Setbacks as opportunities – If something doesn’t go your way, try not to see this as an excuse to give up. For example, I found out about a friend who had been furloughed, he was concerned that once the furlough period was over he would be one of the ones considered for redundancy. Instead of waiting, he went and learnt about all the other aspects of the company, he went in to help and volunteer, he went on a free course and now the company want him to possibly open a franchise in the area he wants. So he turned a potential set-back into an opportunity. 
  1. Choose the voices – if you have ‘friends’ or influences in your life that are not rooting for you, not supporting you and are not your champions, it may be time to rethink their role in your life. Positive energy breeds confidence in the ability to change and try new things. This is not to say you want an army sycophants – good friends will question and help you figure things out, but they will support and encourage if it’s what you want to do.
  1. Wait a day – don’t act hastily ( I am super hasty) don’t delete that email, say no/yes, have a day’s thinking time – self-doubt will be an automatic response so give it a day to have a rational debate with yourself and your important people. 
  1. Start small – if some of the things that you want to do seem insurmountable, try and complete small challenges that will help create a sense of achievement and therefore build your confidence. Complete a free online course (I highly recommend the skills network for free courses) try a new exercise or just exercise, the small steps equals big changes in how you view yourself, a person that can. 

For me, that voice is still there but I am learning to listen to others that are louder and more positive – it started with exercise but I am starting to realise that the ceiling might not exist. 

Love always

Ruby x