Tag: relationships

Embracing being alone

‘Alone by herself, she built the kingdom she wanted’ R.H. SIN

A substantial amount of time has passed, once again a ridiculous amount has happened and change is once again afoot. A half marathon run (yes I bloody did it!), a promotion, a COVID Christmas, a break up are to name a few just give more evidence for the inability of life to stay still. Proof that once again how one feels right now is not how one is going to feel in the future. This constant change used to give me a huge sense of fear – both in feeling happy (that that feeling would not be sustained and be snatched away) and when in the grips of anxiety – that this would last forever. Pain is not permanent and the avoidance of pain should not be what drives our decisions and actions.

It is reminding myself of this that I made a recent decision to approach my relationships from this very idea. I am embarking, at the moment, on the greatest relationship of all, a relationship with myself. After attempting to avoid pain and wanting to feel safe and loved I felt that actually staying in these relationships didn’t provide respite from any of these. I used to believe that being alone would cause me to behave in destructive ways – that I needed a person to answer to and to be my anchor. I could not possibly know what is best for me so best hand that responsibility to someone else. Having these ‘stories’ about myself drove my needs, thoughts, choices all underground ( I have talked about people pleasing before) and I just accepted what was given, even when it was barely enough. By relying on this learned behaviour, you become reliant on your partner for your validation of everything, so when you don’t get the, ‘you look nice’, or they do not read your blog, or fail to acknowledge any of your achievements, it then turns itself around. The negative thoughts start again, with questions and ideas such as ‘I must be ugly’, ‘this is all I deserve’ ‘I can’t get more because I am not loveable’ and ‘what is wrong with me?’. Having re read Kristen Neff’s Self Compassion (read it, it will change your life!) I discovered that by in attempt to avoid pain I was actually causing myself more of it with these relationships. What if I gave myself the very validation that I had been looking for? By relying on validation from others there will only be disappointment and by accepting what we think we ‘deserve’ we will never be fulfilled.

Since being alone, I have in fact no embarked upon any destructive behaviour (unless you count Tinder, but that’s a story for another day) and have in fact started to enjoy being by myself. I have been making plans for adventures that I want to have and feel a new sense of freedom that I do not have to negotiate with anyone else, or have someone come with me, whose heart isn’t really in it. For the first time my needs are acknowledged and allowed and I can honestly say I feel better about myself and my abilities than I ever have. Maybe one day I may want to share that with someone, but if that doesn’t happen, I am ok with that. I would far rather be living my adventurous life embracing new experiences and saying yes more, than feel unworthy and compromised.

The L word

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
― Lao Tzu

“You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

This blog is all about the L word, that’s right Love. I am talking about pure love, love with no conditions, strings, control – just the kind that needs to be accepted in order for it to be returned.

What inspired me to write about this (remember theshame is all about a place to be honest and feel better, both physically, mentally and emotionally) was a recent trip that I have made. This trip was one was one that was painful, deeply sad but at the core hugely steeped in love. It was on this visit that I had a huge realization that I think has been a massive turning point and learning experience.

For those that know me and have read my more recent blogs I have been doing much research and reading on the compassion based thinking and lovingkindness philosophy based on work by Kristen Neff and Sharon Salzberg – (to name a few). Inspired by therapy I had and based on Buddhist teachings – I have been exploring this in order to help me over come feelings of shame and unworthiness and to deal with my past and some of my unhealthy behaviors. At the core of this teaching is about learning to accept oneself, deal with past experiences with compassion and find connectedness with other people – rather than seeing them as threats and competition. It is said that if we can learn to live free of judgement and anger of ourselves we can shake the feelings of unworthiness and allow ourselves to be loved and then love others.

So that’s the theory – which sounds great doesn’t it? But what about the reality? I have working hard at doing the reading and practicing the guided meditation recommended by all the authors, but the one area that I am finding the toughest is accepting love and understanding it in its purest form. This maladaptive thinking has manifested itself in my previous romantic relationships – I either went for people unsuitable or unavailable – so their attention would be a prize, seeing others as competition, the object of my affection to be ‘won’. Then when I inevitably lost, this would reaffirm my feelings of not being good enough. Then my longest relationship was with someone who wanted to change me, again adding to my scheme of inadequacy. So as you can see this aspect is my biggest challenge, but these last few days there has been a chink in the armor.

I went to visit my auntie, my mum’s best friend who she known she was sixteen and my dad’s closest sister. She was a very present part of my childhood – we used to spend all our summers there at her cottage in Kent, we picked apples and she took me to Ireland for a summer when I was nine which sparked my love of all things Irish. To put it simply, she is dying – after twelve years of battling cancer – this is the final stint. A stubbornly, independent women, who has traveled the world, raised amazing children, and who is still in her own home is now on the final straight. My dad had warned me what to expect when I went to see her, and I won’t go in to graphic details but I was shocked at her tiny frame.

At first I was deeply sad, shocked and had to take a moment to compose myself and have a cry. However, once I had taken stock, I was amazed that actually – it was still her. She said my hair looked pretty and asked if I wanted anything to eat and when me and my cousins were laughing over funny stories from the past, I glanced over at her and she was quietly laughing, clearly enjoying the life that was still about. Not only that, but the sheer amount of love that was everywhere, my cousin absent mindedly stroking my mums arm, looking at old photographs, to simply stroking my aunties hands, the uncomplicated love that we all had for each other was awesome. This love included me, no conditions just being part of a group of people where there is complete compassion and understanding. I was letting it in.

On the way home I had this urge to message everyone that was important to me, friends that I have pure uncomplicated love for, and realizing that they too feel like that about me. No envy or competition just a love for people that are in my life. I have been feeling like I am starting to accept that people love me and that I have been able to bring some happiness to others – which is an amazing feeling, “With real love we do not focus on the future, on what we want, or what we fear, we can actually allow things to be the way the are.” S. Salzberg: Lovingkindness. More recently – this is helping me accept love in a romantic sense, opening my heart and allowing myself to accept love – and not being terrified that I am duping them into something as I deal with my ‘imposter syndrome’.

I am also learning to feel deep happiness for those I love, even if it does not involve me, seeing there achievements and experiences are ones to be celebrated, rather than feeling a sense of loss, or separateness. This can only happen if we open up, silence that inner critic and treat ourselves with compassion, it is then we can truly experience the pure love that is everywhere, “It is a rare and beautiful quality to feel truly happy when others are happy- when someone rejoices in our happiness we are flooded with respect and gratitude for their appreciation” S. Salzberg: Lovingkindness

Please read, share and comment and read some of these books – it really is life changing

Love always – the purest kind

Ruby xx