“What is this self inside us,

this silent observer,

Severe and speechless critic,

who can terrorize us

And urge us on to futile activity

And in the end, judge us

Still more severely

From the errors into which his

own reproaches drove us?” – T.S. Eliot, The Elder Statesman

The title of this blog and the poem have come from a book I have re-read – Self compassion – Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind: Kristin Neff https://www.amazon.co.uk/Kristin-Neff-Self-Compassion/dp/B00NBCZZN6/ref=sr_1_7?dchild=1&keywords=kristin+neff&qid=1625850790&sr=8-7

The reason for me re visiting this book is that I have felt that recently I have been stuck. Stuck, once again in bad habits, negative thinking and beating myself up. My frustration has peaked at the memories of past behavior and the fact that in some ways I am no different to when I was in my 20’s.

Many of my blogs have had the theme of personal growth and the message of ‘look how far I have come’ and ‘look what you can achieve’. Today and the last week, I have felt like a fraud. Repeating the same mistakes over and over. I feel at the moment I am trapped in a cycle of using short term fixes to mask the feelings of inadequacy I have and that in actual fact, apart from exercise – nothing has really changed.

Short term fixes are like a drug – addictive, destructive and leave a sense of shame, but in the short term give you what you need – cover the cracks and give you that short term high. I have always felt that I am not a very good person on the inside, I seem to constantly mess up, am unreliable, flaky, inconsistent, and have never really grown up – bouncing from one thing to another. I know, through thinking back that one of the reasons that I entered my marriage was that it felt safe, anchoring, it could save me from my bad traits, that I couldn’t be trusted to manage life – so I handed myself, gave someone else the job I couldn’t be trusted with.

That has only lasted so long, and I thought – that I was fixed or that those problems and how I was was better than being trapped, and that what I had thought was best for me, was in fact a prison. Now those old behaviors are coming back and I am growing anxious that maybe I was right. I have no regrets but feel that maybe my reasons were true. My growing guilt at failing as a grown up and potentially letting my children down has led my back to the my interest in self compassion. I used to think, when I first read about self-compassion was that it was ‘letting myself off the hook’ and that self compassion is just an excuse for not trying harder. Reading more deeply and being honest with myself it is actually not that at all (although that is a hard default to change!)

True self compassion actually has its roots in Buddhism. It actually can be summed up as a way to stop judging and evaluating yourself altogether in the words of Kristin Neff ‘To stop trying to label ourselves as good and bad and simply accept ourselves with an open heart. To treat ourselves with the same kindness, caring and compassion that we would show a good friend’ K. Neff: Self compassion – Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind. This is much easier said that done and is advocated with meditation and some serious soul searching. I have this nagging voice in my head that any friend of mine would never do or think the things that I do so why should I deserve compassion, that everyone is one step ahead, more organized, less selfish, less impulsive and they do things for the right reasons.

Having said all of this I believe it is the only way to attempt to change and to start moving forward. I desperately want to change and accept myself and feel like I am progressing, rather than feeling trapped in a cycle of negative thoughts. I wanted to have an ‘unconditional friendship with myself’ be a better mum and friend. I feel that guided self compassion can help me achieve this. If I am more self-accepting it will make me have less destructive thoughts, so then I wont need the quick fixes – the behavior which leads to the masking my then I am moving backwards again.

The key to self compassion is guided meditative practice along with other things, and I have started this week with writing my own affirmations. I also have linked this to running – I feel that running for me (as mentioned in previous blogs) can give me that meditative state, as well as helping me feel that things are changing and moving forward. Self -compassion is the only way for me, accepting who I am seems to be the only thing I can do, constantly trying to change and improve is not working, Setting ridiculous goals and then failing – leads to shame which leads to behaviors to cover it up.

I am beginning a journey on the path to self compassion – it is early days and I am going to work super hard at trying to make this work… and will also keep on running…..

If anyone has had any experience with the self compassion therapy approach or the loving kindness meditation approach I would love to hear from you

Love, always and compassion

Ruby x