Tag: self-doubt

What doesn’t kill you….

“If you do not pour water on your plant, what will happen? It will slowly wither and die. Our habits will also slowly wither and die away if we do not give them an opportunity to manifest. You need not fight to stop a habit. Just don’t give it an opportunity to repeat itself. ”
― Sri S. Satchidananda, The Yoga Sutras

Today I entered a running race. The Sandringham 10k to be precise, it’s not until September and not a particularly long distance, but that is beside the point. The point was that I have signed up, committed and most importantly achieved a goal and did something that a year ago I never would have done or thought I could.

Goal setting for me has taken time for me to get to grips with. In the past my goals were always too challenging and unobtainable, manic lists with points on it such as 1) Fast 2) Loose a stone by next month 3) Eat no more than 900 calories today etc etc. Not really acknowledging that these were not only completely unachievable, they are also wrapped in shame, guilt and linked to negative self loathing and bad habits. The cycle would repeat itself: fail at the goals, feel rubbish and a failure, set even more ridiculous ‘goals’, fail again…… and nothing is achieved other than rock bottom self -esteem.

These ‘bad habits’ or the cycle of negative thinking is still within me and it takes some days a huge amount of effort to not fall in to the same trap but running is one of the ways in which I have managed to get better at goal setting and which can be applied to other areas of life. Running for me started in lock down which I have written about before. Those that have read my post know that for me (and many others – I am not so self absorbed to think that I was the only one) lock down was very challenging and accelerated the end of my sixteen year relationship. When I was at my lowest and needing to get out of the house after a day of (attempting) to home school three children under ten and work from home, I started to run. I have always hated running and again like with so many things I thought I was rubbish and so wouldn’t push myself. I have written about running before but what astounded me about it, is that anyone really can do it. If you forget about your speed, what you look like then you really can do it. Not only that but if you are consistent you can get better quite steadily and this was what triggered me to re-frame how I was thinking about my goals.

Rather than having negative goals or ones that were totally unachievable, I started thinking about small goals and where I would like to me in certain, realistic amounts of time. Can I run for one more kilometer next week? Could I run ten in a months time? The answer was yes and once these started to become a reality it meant that I felt a sense of achievement rather than the familiar feeling of failure. It was life changing and has manifested itself into other areas, if I can do this what else can I do? I still write lists, but with small daily successes that over time add up to big changes. So entering a race was a long term goal that thanks so small steps has been met – I now have to actually run it!

So ridiculous, negative goal setting is one bad habit that I have managed to quit. One that I am working on at the moment is about looking back rather than looking forward. Running can be a good metaphor for helping with this habit. What I mean by looking back, is returning to old behavior, patterns and thinking that are mentally unhealthy. This can be relationships, how you view yourself, events in the past that you mull over and feel ashamed about. This for me is a work in progress and what I am currently working on at the moment. It is often brought about by maladaptive thinking, behaviors which have been a product of low self-esteem and can be easy to slip in to as its the familiar.

Settling for relationships that you think you deserve, making poor choices, going back to familiar, yet toxic situations that only serve to give proof to yourself that that’s all you deserve. I have done all of these things and am slowly beginning to understand why I have done them and to try and be more compassionate to myself rather than being ashamed. These are my bad habits and I know through small consistent, step by step goal setting – which I used in my running, I can move forward and be where I want to be. Running has helped me take control, rather than be a victim, to look forward rather than back. To look at where I can be and who I want to be. The next bad habit to break is smoking – more of that in another blog….

Please read and share if you think someone needs to help with goal setting – and any goals and achievements you have had – I would love to hear!

Love Ruby xx

The hidden enemy

“Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.”

William Shakespeare

Self-doubt;  the biggest obstacle to your own contentment and happiness. The invisible force that prevents you from doing the things you have always wanted to do, that creates a negative energy that sucks the joy out of new challenges. It spawns jealousy in others who have the self-belief to do the things you have only dreamed of. 

It is the voice in your head that says ‘you could never do that…’/ ‘you wouldn’t be any good’ ‘……… is better than you at that so why bother?’ or it can be the real voices around you that claim to support, it can also plant the seeds of this doubt, ‘do you really want to do that?’ or ‘that’s a bit odd’ when you want to try something different. It can be almost impossible at times to silence these or balance them with reality. Sometimes it’s easier to take the road that is most known to you, to opt out, not do it, give up – it feels safer. Why risk failure? Self-respect? It would just confirm what you already know, that you weren’t good enough – so just stick with things as they are.  

Now I know that most people will at certain points in their lives (even the most confident ones) question whether what we are  doing is  good enough. We reconcile certain choices with the idea ‘I wouldn’t be good enough for that’. But for some this debilitating feeling can actually have them living a completely different life to the one that they truly want, what if they had more courage and self-belief then they could be reaching potential they never knew they had. 

I believe that an element of self-doubt can be useful, it helps you take certain things seriously, your work hard and you think things through – these can be good. I would say that being ‘self-aware’ is vital in relationships with others and can serve well to ensure that we improve ourselves and can reflect, evaluate and move forward. However there is a fine line when this in-depth analysis can paralysis you into doing the things that you have always wanted to do but felt you couldn’t. 

I am writing about this fear, as it is one that I battle with daily and I am sure resonantes with many of us. This could manifest itself in the types of jobs we go for, the groups/sports/challenges we may or may not go for, even to the types of people we surround ourselves with. I have written before about how exercise has helped me so much in dealing with my self-doubt, as when you run a bit faster (or even begin to realise you can run at all!), lift a bit more then you begin to start creating a bank of counter evidence to the ingrained belief that you are not able to do certain things. So below are a few ways in which you might want to try to give yourself a well-needed dose of self-belief

  1. Write a journal or have a notebook where you write  down all your accomplishments – I don’t mean huge life accomplishments, small every day successes – you ran further, you started running, you ate well, you actually got the kids dressed before midday! You met a deadline at work, anything – no matter how small. Then when you have a feeling of self-doubt and look back through the weeks – you will be surprised about how much you have done. We always tend to focus on the things that have gone wrong, the failures but actually when you weigh it all up, the successes outweigh every time. 
  1. Setbacks as opportunities – If something doesn’t go your way, try not to see this as an excuse to give up. For example, I found out about a friend who had been furloughed, he was concerned that once the furlough period was over he would be one of the ones considered for redundancy. Instead of waiting, he went and learnt about all the other aspects of the company, he went in to help and volunteer, he went on a free course and now the company want him to possibly open a franchise in the area he wants. So he turned a potential set-back into an opportunity. 
  1. Choose the voices – if you have ‘friends’ or influences in your life that are not rooting for you, not supporting you and are not your champions, it may be time to rethink their role in your life. Positive energy breeds confidence in the ability to change and try new things. This is not to say you want an army sycophants – good friends will question and help you figure things out, but they will support and encourage if it’s what you want to do.
  1. Wait a day – don’t act hastily ( I am super hasty) don’t delete that email, say no/yes, have a day’s thinking time – self-doubt will be an automatic response so give it a day to have a rational debate with yourself and your important people. 
  1. Start small – if some of the things that you want to do seem insurmountable, try and complete small challenges that will help create a sense of achievement and therefore build your confidence. Complete a free online course (I highly recommend the skills network for free courses) try a new exercise or just exercise, the small steps equals big changes in how you view yourself, a person that can. 

For me, that voice is still there but I am learning to listen to others that are louder and more positive – it started with exercise but I am starting to realise that the ceiling might not exist. 

Love always

Ruby x