Barriers and Boundaries

“The mind is like a fertile garden,” Bruce said. “It will grow anything you wish to plant—beautiful flowers or weeds. And so it is with successful, healthy thoughts or with negative ones that will, like weeds, strangle and crowd the others. Do not allow negative thoughts to enter your mind for they are the weeds that strangle confidence.”
― Joe Hyams, Zen In The Martial Arts

“Only through practice and more practice, until you can do something without conscious effort.”
― Joe Hyams, Zen in the Martial Arts

I went for a run last night and after running about two kilometers and I had to stop, I felt exhausted and had a tightness in my chest that I had never experienced before. I started to panic – stopped and took deep breaths until the pain subsided, admitted defeat and walked home. As I was walking a new kind of tightness began this time brought on by feelings of panic, my thoughts racing, ‘what if I can’t run anymore? how I am going to run the half marathon in six weeks? You won’t able to to do it, you have failed, I will never be able to do it.’ This point has been building as in this last week I have been feeling increasingly anxious about the race in September, that my running has plateaued and I have even got slower, finding even my shorter runs more challenging. This anxiety has triggered my old feelings of failure and wanting to give up. It has all been feeling insurmountable.

What is different this time is that I have been developing my knowledge and insight of my old habits and have been taking practical steps to address negative thinking. This time, rather than giving up and writing it off, I have been doing some research into how to up my distance and feel that many of the lessons learned from reading about compassion based thinking will help me.

A book which I have recently read taps into the traps of negative thinking and how it can create barriers to progress is ‘Zen and the Martial Arts’ by Jo Hyames: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Zen-Martial-Arts-Joe-Hyams/dp/0874771013/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=zen+and+the+martial+arts&qid=1628321279&sr=8-2

You might ask, what has this got to do with increasing distance in running? Well, this book was fascinating, it is about martial arts but more so about the philosophy and principles which underpin martial arts which can be used in every aspect of life, running included.

So how is this going to help me and what steps am I going to take? Well the first is to remember that training the mind is just as important as the body – in fact the mental stamina required to keep going is vital but also needs building over time in the same way we train our bodies. One of the ways it suggests to do this – which I am going to start is firstly to constantly remind myself that I have the potential, I could not even do five kilmetres a year ago, now I can do ten, I have proved to myself I can do something I thought I could not do and I can do it again. This reminder can come in the form of mantra, a ‘go to’ when I hit a wall, my mantra will be:

“I have achieved things I have never thought possible”

“Think of what else is possible”

The next method or principle of Zen to adopt is ‘Process over Product”. This can simply be put as ‘learning the mindful trait of the activity itself’. J Hyams. I think what made me panic yesterday was the thought of the race, the deadline, it feels looming. Although I am a advocate of goals and challenges – the book suggests that we can become too focused on the end product and loose the ability to focus on the task at hand, rushing it away and not taking joy from the activity, in the book when Hyams adopts this to his martial arts training he says ‘when I eliminated the deadline from my mind it was like removing a weight from my body.’ He also adopted this method for when he was writing his book, he wrote better and ended up meeting the deadline. This one will be hard, but to remember why I started running and the pure enjoyment I get from running need to be the focus – the race is/was secondary – a celebration of what I have achieved, rather than a barrier.

My final step is that I am going to stop alcohol. I am not usually a fan of total bans – it tends to create cravings and things that are ‘off limits’ then become exciting and ‘forbidden’ which then inevitably leads to failure. I have, however noticed that I my alcohol consumption has increased and is effecting my sleep which of course is going to affect my performance. I am going to try this for this week and see what happens. I feel I need a clear head and if I am to train my mind then having a healthy mind free from the affects of alcohol will be the way forward. My alcohol levels have increased since the break down of my marriage last year and I am acutely aware that it has been used as a crutch and then crutch’s become habits, habits are then relied on and then are hard to break, then they become addictions. I am going to see how this one goes.

Although I felt anxious and disheartened yesterday, I am excited that I am able to see more clearly and apply the lessons I have learned into a way forward rather than entering the cycle of negative thinking. This must be progress surely and hopefully this can manifest itself into kilometres

If anyone has any tips on how to increase the distance – please get in touch!

Love, always

Ruby xx

The L word

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
― Lao Tzu

“You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

This blog is all about the L word, that’s right Love. I am talking about pure love, love with no conditions, strings, control – just the kind that needs to be accepted in order for it to be returned.

What inspired me to write about this (remember theshame is all about a place to be honest and feel better, both physically, mentally and emotionally) was a recent trip that I have made. This trip was one was one that was painful, deeply sad but at the core hugely steeped in love. It was on this visit that I had a huge realization that I think has been a massive turning point and learning experience.

For those that know me and have read my more recent blogs I have been doing much research and reading on the compassion based thinking and lovingkindness philosophy based on work by Kristen Neff and Sharon Salzberg – (to name a few). Inspired by therapy I had and based on Buddhist teachings – I have been exploring this in order to help me over come feelings of shame and unworthiness and to deal with my past and some of my unhealthy behaviors. At the core of this teaching is about learning to accept oneself, deal with past experiences with compassion and find connectedness with other people – rather than seeing them as threats and competition. It is said that if we can learn to live free of judgement and anger of ourselves we can shake the feelings of unworthiness and allow ourselves to be loved and then love others.

So that’s the theory – which sounds great doesn’t it? But what about the reality? I have working hard at doing the reading and practicing the guided meditation recommended by all the authors, but the one area that I am finding the toughest is accepting love and understanding it in its purest form. This maladaptive thinking has manifested itself in my previous romantic relationships – I either went for people unsuitable or unavailable – so their attention would be a prize, seeing others as competition, the object of my affection to be ‘won’. Then when I inevitably lost, this would reaffirm my feelings of not being good enough. Then my longest relationship was with someone who wanted to change me, again adding to my scheme of inadequacy. So as you can see this aspect is my biggest challenge, but these last few days there has been a chink in the armor.

I went to visit my auntie, my mum’s best friend who she known she was sixteen and my dad’s closest sister. She was a very present part of my childhood – we used to spend all our summers there at her cottage in Kent, we picked apples and she took me to Ireland for a summer when I was nine which sparked my love of all things Irish. To put it simply, she is dying – after twelve years of battling cancer – this is the final stint. A stubbornly, independent women, who has traveled the world, raised amazing children, and who is still in her own home is now on the final straight. My dad had warned me what to expect when I went to see her, and I won’t go in to graphic details but I was shocked at her tiny frame.

At first I was deeply sad, shocked and had to take a moment to compose myself and have a cry. However, once I had taken stock, I was amazed that actually – it was still her. She said my hair looked pretty and asked if I wanted anything to eat and when me and my cousins were laughing over funny stories from the past, I glanced over at her and she was quietly laughing, clearly enjoying the life that was still about. Not only that, but the sheer amount of love that was everywhere, my cousin absent mindedly stroking my mums arm, looking at old photographs, to simply stroking my aunties hands, the uncomplicated love that we all had for each other was awesome. This love included me, no conditions just being part of a group of people where there is complete compassion and understanding. I was letting it in.

On the way home I had this urge to message everyone that was important to me, friends that I have pure uncomplicated love for, and realizing that they too feel like that about me. No envy or competition just a love for people that are in my life. I have been feeling like I am starting to accept that people love me and that I have been able to bring some happiness to others – which is an amazing feeling, “With real love we do not focus on the future, on what we want, or what we fear, we can actually allow things to be the way the are.” S. Salzberg: Lovingkindness. More recently – this is helping me accept love in a romantic sense, opening my heart and allowing myself to accept love – and not being terrified that I am duping them into something as I deal with my ‘imposter syndrome’.

I am also learning to feel deep happiness for those I love, even if it does not involve me, seeing there achievements and experiences are ones to be celebrated, rather than feeling a sense of loss, or separateness. This can only happen if we open up, silence that inner critic and treat ourselves with compassion, it is then we can truly experience the pure love that is everywhere, “It is a rare and beautiful quality to feel truly happy when others are happy- when someone rejoices in our happiness we are flooded with respect and gratitude for their appreciation” S. Salzberg: Lovingkindness

Please read, share and comment and read some of these books – it really is life changing

Love always – the purest kind

Ruby xx

Wisdom and Compassion

“True acceptance doesn’t require you to fit in or change who you are. It doesn’t have to be sought; it is given to you.” Yong Kang Chan – A Journey from Loneliness to Deep Connection

” We have become conditioned to compromise and shrink ourselves in order to be liked. The problem is, when you work so hard to get everyone to like you, you very often end up not liking yourself so much.” Reshma Saujani – Brave, Not Perfect

As mentioned before, I have recently signed up for a half marathon for September. It has been one of my goals, I want a medal, I want the acknowledgement. It will demonstrate achievement and will be a physical symbol of how what I once thought was true about me is not. If the myths I once thought were true have been quashed – what else am I capable of?

However positive all this may be – I have been having a nagging sensation about the seeds of my motivation for the half. Maybe what this is about is needing the medical, the recognition from others and most importantly the praise.

This all seemed to feed together when I happened upon a condition that I heard people talking about, people that I knew who thought that I might be affected by it. I believe, since having done some research that it is common amongst many of us and can explain my uneasiness about the marathon and past behaviors.

The first article I read about People Pleasing syndrome shocked me as from the onset I ticked every box

Do you apologise often? – yes
Do you feel responsible for how other people feel? – yes
Do you feel guilty for saying no? – yes again!
Do you practice conflict avoidance and have confused boundaries? – guess what? Yes!
Do I need praise to feel good? – Oh my goodness!!!!

Deep down, I have always know I have always known that I was a people pleaser. That I find myself in situations where I avoid confrontation, avoid giving my real feelings for the fear of being disliked, of over promising to please then disappointing people when I cannot deliver. Having read some more, it has been said that people pleasing has evolved as a way to maintain connection and closeness – but the crazy thing is – how can any connections be real if you are afraid of being your authentic self? How can you truly be proud of running a half marathon if all you are doing it for is to impress others and get the ‘well done’ that I crave?

This barrier to reaching my full potential completely aligned with two books I have read recently – Loving Kindness by Sharon Salzberg and Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach .

Radical Acceptance: Awakening the Love That Heals Fear and Shame

Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness

These books were recommended a while back when I was having therapy. The type of therapy I was going through was linked to the Buddhist teachings of Compassion based therapy. Very simply put its based on the idea of accepting yourself, accepting others and becoming more interconnected to others, for example if you have compassion for yourself and love yourself more, others will not be threat or competition. Linked to the Buddhist concept of the idea that we suffer as we cannot accept that life is eternally moving, we are always trying to hold on to something and cannot be in the moment. If we can practice compassion and wisdom, we can live a more peaceful and fulfilled life. The idea of acceptance would mean, that I would no longer feel the need for praise and to gratify others, my marathon would be for me and no body else, I could be my true authentic self and take pleasure from my connectedness with others.

Shaolin Kung Fu is one of the oldest and most famous styles of Kung Fu, it combines Chan philosophy and martial arts. A friend cam round the other night and played me a video of their training as they have a passion for martial arts, The reason why I mentioned this was because I was fascinated by the combination of mental and physical training which links to the Buddhist ideas mentioned above. Standing, sleeping, awake or asleep the warrior always practices, the warrior and the person are one. Obviously I am not going to go to China and join the monastery where these monks train every hour of every day but watching the monks train I feel that there is something I can learn from them that would help me over come my people pleasing and increase my stamina to complete my half marathon.

Never give up – if your heart is strong you can accomplish anything
Turn yourself into zero – try and let go of everything that comes into your life, stress, anxiety etc
Meditate – from early morning to late night we are bombarded by messages – these are not good or bad but we can loose track of ourselves in a noisy world
Accept change – Accept that everything moves, moments are moments – let go of the past be in the presen. Embrace every person that you ever meet – be happy and accept people are just moving around
Practise more – talk less

This blog is a bit jumbled, I fear I have tried to create a thread out of things that seem random but actually it simply comes down to this

Be a warrior
Practise self compassion and compassion to others

I think if I do these things the sky is the limit

Love always

Ruby xx

Ending the madness

“What is this self inside us,

this silent observer,

Severe and speechless critic,

who can terrorize us

And urge us on to futile activity

And in the end, judge us

Still more severely

From the errors into which his

own reproaches drove us?” – T.S. Eliot, The Elder Statesman

The title of this blog and the poem have come from a book I have re-read – Self compassion – Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind: Kristin Neff https://www.amazon.co.uk/Kristin-Neff-Self-Compassion/dp/B00NBCZZN6/ref=sr_1_7?dchild=1&keywords=kristin+neff&qid=1625850790&sr=8-7

The reason for me re visiting this book is that I have felt that recently I have been stuck. Stuck, once again in bad habits, negative thinking and beating myself up. My frustration has peaked at the memories of past behavior and the fact that in some ways I am no different to when I was in my 20’s.

Many of my blogs have had the theme of personal growth and the message of ‘look how far I have come’ and ‘look what you can achieve’. Today and the last week, I have felt like a fraud. Repeating the same mistakes over and over. I feel at the moment I am trapped in a cycle of using short term fixes to mask the feelings of inadequacy I have and that in actual fact, apart from exercise – nothing has really changed.

Short term fixes are like a drug – addictive, destructive and leave a sense of shame, but in the short term give you what you need – cover the cracks and give you that short term high. I have always felt that I am not a very good person on the inside, I seem to constantly mess up, am unreliable, flaky, inconsistent, and have never really grown up – bouncing from one thing to another. I know, through thinking back that one of the reasons that I entered my marriage was that it felt safe, anchoring, it could save me from my bad traits, that I couldn’t be trusted to manage life – so I handed myself, gave someone else the job I couldn’t be trusted with.

That has only lasted so long, and I thought – that I was fixed or that those problems and how I was was better than being trapped, and that what I had thought was best for me, was in fact a prison. Now those old behaviors are coming back and I am growing anxious that maybe I was right. I have no regrets but feel that maybe my reasons were true. My growing guilt at failing as a grown up and potentially letting my children down has led my back to the my interest in self compassion. I used to think, when I first read about self-compassion was that it was ‘letting myself off the hook’ and that self compassion is just an excuse for not trying harder. Reading more deeply and being honest with myself it is actually not that at all (although that is a hard default to change!)

True self compassion actually has its roots in Buddhism. It actually can be summed up as a way to stop judging and evaluating yourself altogether in the words of Kristin Neff ‘To stop trying to label ourselves as good and bad and simply accept ourselves with an open heart. To treat ourselves with the same kindness, caring and compassion that we would show a good friend’ K. Neff: Self compassion – Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind. This is much easier said that done and is advocated with meditation and some serious soul searching. I have this nagging voice in my head that any friend of mine would never do or think the things that I do so why should I deserve compassion, that everyone is one step ahead, more organized, less selfish, less impulsive and they do things for the right reasons.

Having said all of this I believe it is the only way to attempt to change and to start moving forward. I desperately want to change and accept myself and feel like I am progressing, rather than feeling trapped in a cycle of negative thoughts. I wanted to have an ‘unconditional friendship with myself’ be a better mum and friend. I feel that guided self compassion can help me achieve this. If I am more self-accepting it will make me have less destructive thoughts, so then I wont need the quick fixes – the behavior which leads to the masking my then I am moving backwards again.

The key to self compassion is guided meditative practice along with other things, and I have started this week with writing my own affirmations. I also have linked this to running – I feel that running for me (as mentioned in previous blogs) can give me that meditative state, as well as helping me feel that things are changing and moving forward. Self -compassion is the only way for me, accepting who I am seems to be the only thing I can do, constantly trying to change and improve is not working, Setting ridiculous goals and then failing – leads to shame which leads to behaviors to cover it up.

I am beginning a journey on the path to self compassion – it is early days and I am going to work super hard at trying to make this work… and will also keep on running…..

If anyone has had any experience with the self compassion therapy approach or the loving kindness meditation approach I would love to hear from you

Love, always and compassion

Ruby x

What doesn’t kill you….

“If you do not pour water on your plant, what will happen? It will slowly wither and die. Our habits will also slowly wither and die away if we do not give them an opportunity to manifest. You need not fight to stop a habit. Just don’t give it an opportunity to repeat itself. ”
― Sri S. Satchidananda, The Yoga Sutras

Today I entered a running race. The Sandringham 10k to be precise, it’s not until September and not a particularly long distance, but that is beside the point. The point was that I have signed up, committed and most importantly achieved a goal and did something that a year ago I never would have done or thought I could.

Goal setting for me has taken time for me to get to grips with. In the past my goals were always too challenging and unobtainable, manic lists with points on it such as 1) Fast 2) Loose a stone by next month 3) Eat no more than 900 calories today etc etc. Not really acknowledging that these were not only completely unachievable, they are also wrapped in shame, guilt and linked to negative self loathing and bad habits. The cycle would repeat itself: fail at the goals, feel rubbish and a failure, set even more ridiculous ‘goals’, fail again…… and nothing is achieved other than rock bottom self -esteem.

These ‘bad habits’ or the cycle of negative thinking is still within me and it takes some days a huge amount of effort to not fall in to the same trap but running is one of the ways in which I have managed to get better at goal setting and which can be applied to other areas of life. Running for me started in lock down which I have written about before. Those that have read my post know that for me (and many others – I am not so self absorbed to think that I was the only one) lock down was very challenging and accelerated the end of my sixteen year relationship. When I was at my lowest and needing to get out of the house after a day of (attempting) to home school three children under ten and work from home, I started to run. I have always hated running and again like with so many things I thought I was rubbish and so wouldn’t push myself. I have written about running before but what astounded me about it, is that anyone really can do it. If you forget about your speed, what you look like then you really can do it. Not only that but if you are consistent you can get better quite steadily and this was what triggered me to re-frame how I was thinking about my goals.

Rather than having negative goals or ones that were totally unachievable, I started thinking about small goals and where I would like to me in certain, realistic amounts of time. Can I run for one more kilometer next week? Could I run ten in a months time? The answer was yes and once these started to become a reality it meant that I felt a sense of achievement rather than the familiar feeling of failure. It was life changing and has manifested itself into other areas, if I can do this what else can I do? I still write lists, but with small daily successes that over time add up to big changes. So entering a race was a long term goal that thanks so small steps has been met – I now have to actually run it!

So ridiculous, negative goal setting is one bad habit that I have managed to quit. One that I am working on at the moment is about looking back rather than looking forward. Running can be a good metaphor for helping with this habit. What I mean by looking back, is returning to old behavior, patterns and thinking that are mentally unhealthy. This can be relationships, how you view yourself, events in the past that you mull over and feel ashamed about. This for me is a work in progress and what I am currently working on at the moment. It is often brought about by maladaptive thinking, behaviors which have been a product of low self-esteem and can be easy to slip in to as its the familiar.

Settling for relationships that you think you deserve, making poor choices, going back to familiar, yet toxic situations that only serve to give proof to yourself that that’s all you deserve. I have done all of these things and am slowly beginning to understand why I have done them and to try and be more compassionate to myself rather than being ashamed. These are my bad habits and I know through small consistent, step by step goal setting – which I used in my running, I can move forward and be where I want to be. Running has helped me take control, rather than be a victim, to look forward rather than back. To look at where I can be and who I want to be. The next bad habit to break is smoking – more of that in another blog….

Please read and share if you think someone needs to help with goal setting – and any goals and achievements you have had – I would love to hear!

Love Ruby xx

Transformation Central

“Transformation isn’t sweet and bright. It’s a dark and murky, painful pushing. An unraveling of the untruths you’ve carried in your body. A practice in facing your own created demons. A complete uprooting, before becoming.” Victoria Erickson

A central theme from my blog is about change. This one specifically is about my change – focusing on myself when I was in my twenties, no now – edging closer to forty.

A student I used to teach who I know work with, came into work with a selection of photos – including the one on the left. When I saw this photo I felt a mixture of shock and sadness. Shock as I had deliberately pushed this part of my life away and had not come face to face with this ‘me’ and then sadness as I remembered how unhappy I was, how trapped and how I carried around such a sense of shame. I find it incredibly difficult to look at these photos but want to use this as a basis to talk about transformation.

It seems to me people romanticise their youth, or others who are younger than me do not want to get older. Some wish to return to their youth but for me I would not want to go back to that time. I feel frustrated that I wasted so much time hiding, avoiding and not taking part and not realising that I could have done so much more.

So what has changed and how has this happened:

Physically:

Exercise: I can honestly say that the single most influential factor on change is exercise. I am physically fitter and stronger than I ever was in my twenties. I have blogged about the power of physical movement many times and probably sound like stuck record – but it has been the key to change. It has linked to a change of mindset, how I view myself and my capabilities. On a physical/exterior level it has changed my body shape, my face looks slimmer and made my overall appearance look healthier. Currently I am doing three to four home workouts a week (at the end of the blog is a lower body sample beginners routine) and run two to three times a week (try the couch to 5 k app, get decent trainers, a good sound track and just start doing it – you won’t regret it!)

Taking pride/self care: This is so important! I used to make minimal effort, cut my own hair, it was as if I didn’t feel I was worth it. I felt silly and embarrassed and feel I would draw too much attention to myself if I wore make up. Doing more exercise helped me reconnect with my physical self and understand that I had to treat my body with care. Fake tan for me has been such a huge confidence booster – I feel better when tanned but having pale Irish skin and not wanting to be wrinkled, I have to fake it. It hides celulite, stretch marks and can make you look thinner and more toned. I have tried and tested nearly every brand going and my top choices at the moment are,

Bondi Sands every day tanning milk https://bondisands.co.uk/products/everyday-gradual-tanning-milk

Vita Liberata Body Blur Sunless Glow HD Skin Finish 100ml - Feelunique — https://www.vitaliberata.co.uk/body-blur-sunless-glow-latte/

Vita liberata body blur sunless glow – this is like make up for the body and adds tan – totally amazing!

I also now take much better care of my skin, this is so important as you get older. I was diagnosed with acne rosacea about three years ago and have suffered with redness and hideous break outs. I will blog about my journey through rosacea but highly recommend the Medik8t range : https://www.medik8.com/

Mentally/Internally:

I feel that my connecting with my physical self this has made a huge impact on my mental self. I care less about what others think and feel as if I am ‘living’ much more than that picture of my on the right. I feel that I can set goals that I used to think were impossible and no longer write things off because I don’t think I can do it.

Although growing old can be scary, for me being stuck and trapped in a cycle of shame is far more terrifying and I fee excited about what else can be achieved.

Let me know about your transformations

Love Ruby xx

Lower body home workout: (takes about 25 mins)

Warm up:

20 body squats (keep heels on the ground and don’t let your knees cave_

20 reverse lunges

20 jumping jacks

Make sure you stretch!!

Set 1 (two exercises back to back followed by 30 sec rest – three rounds)

Using dumbbells place them on your shoulders and complete 12 squats x 12

Lying leg abduction (using a resistance band) – Lying side on – legs straight and raise one up as far as you can x 10 each leg

Legs - Side Lying Lateral leg raises with Short Resistance Band - FIT CARROTS | Premium Fitness Tools For Functional and Regeneration Training — Lying leg abduction

Set 2 (two exercises back to back followed by 30 sec rest – three rounds)

Glute bridge using dumbbells’ and/or resistance band – keep heels flat and hold for 15 secs at the top x 12

Does my butt look big in these genes? - FitnessGenes® — Glute bridge

Split squats – using a chair and dumbbells x 10 each leg

Set 3 (two exercises back to back followed by 30 sec rest – three rounds)

Reverse lunges using dumbbells x 12 each leg

Donkey kicks x 15 each leg

Finisher: 20 jump squats x 20

Back to the start

It has been a while since my last blog. I have not felt ready to write or even had the organisation of thought to have anything coherent to say – almost too much to say but not being able to make sense of it.

I made a huge decision last year to end my relationship, a decision that did not come quickly or easily, but one that I couldn’t turn from. After 16 years I could not go on any longer – this isn’t the forum to explain and start blaming – this blog is about my thoughts and views. The theme that underpins the blog is moving forward and making changes that seem insurmountable and that by sharing my story it may help, support and give courage to others who find themselves trapped by the way they see themselves.

The reason for this decision stemmed from lock down, I think I wrote about how lock down brought into sharp focus what my life was. if I took away all the destrations and just had what I had – I realised it wasn’t what I wanted.

I remember feeling angry and jealous at people who seemed to be relishing the increased time together and releasing that if it came down to it and that was all there was then it was not OK. I felt ashamed and deeply sad.

It became clear that I had always felt within my relationship that I had to change and that my core self was flawed and wrong, I needed correcting and moulding but I was never enough. This has been a pattern with many of my romantic relationships – I have always had the scraps, or parts of people and they have only wanted parts of me, I have always felt never good enough. I have come to the conclusion that I would rather be alone than never be enough.

There is also a deep sense of sadness and shame that my family is now broken, that I have a failed marriage, that I don’t own a house, that I may not be as good a parent as my half because sometimes I forget to brush their teeth. I feel angry that I am nearly 39 and I am starting again. I feel ashamed that I wasn’t always the best wife. I have spent a lot of time analysing and thinking that maybe it was all my fault? I remember my therapist saying there is no such thing as the ‘truth’ only the different truths or stories, and I am starting to apply this theory to the last 16 years, there is his story and there is mine.

One thing that has taken deep roots is that I have no regrets, whatever happens and however uncertain my future is – I physically and mentally could not have continued.

Rather than ramble on, I have decided to summarise what the last year has taught me and what advice and ‘wisdom’ (haha!) I can pass on to others who feel trapped and who are anxious about making big changes:

Friends are one of the most important support systems you have – I can honestly say, hand on heart I could not have done any of this without my amazing friends. They have been non-judgmental, no loaded comments but supportive and incredibly practical! I moved out with nothing and through amazing people, I furnished a house with no money – through donations from friends but also unlikely sources. Remember to talk to your friends – they love you, it’s very humbling and it also links to the other point…
You can do anything – this sounds cheesy and much more doable when you have amazing friends. I was told, and believed that I would not be able to do this, that I couldn’t run a house, have the children due to work, get a place etc etc and I have done it all, changed my job to help accommodate the children – I even got a promotion! It’s hard and it takes some creative thinking – but there is always a way!

Reach out – This again links to the points above – part of what helped me was being honest with people – especially with work – don’t try and do it all alone, think of it like this -if you had a friend who needed you, you would have, in a heartbeat, wouldn’t you?
You are in control. This journey has been about being in control of my own life, not trying to change or living a life that was not mind, although I spend a lot of the time terrified – I am in charge – I decide.
Ditch the shame. I have written about this before but shame is such a destructive emotion – I have felt shame about what and who I am, I especially felt it when realising my marriage was over. As shame is so awful it can make us do nearly anything to run away from it – alcohol, shopping or even more destructive behaviours. Shame only thrives when it is a secret – own your shame – look it in the face, talk about it and watch it shrivel and die. By looking at your achievements and removing the negative sources you will see it shrink. Look at where you started.
Single parenting – this is tough but not as tough as we can make it out to be, one big worry which I had was about the impact this would all have on the children. It obviously does have an impact, but seeing their parents healthy and happy – who they can model their behavior on is what will protect them and give them their best chances. I strongly believe this should not be a reason to stay, it will eat you up and your kids will see you.

Things that still worry me –

Being alone – but as I said before rather be alone that not living how I want to live
The feeling of starting all over again – renting, no house – nearly 40, all my friends being proper grown ups
Work and being able to achieve and succeed
Being a good mum – am I too slack? Do I miss things? Are they all getting what they need when there is only 1 of me now?

Sometimes it all feels like it’s all precariously balanced – like a house of cards that could all fall down at any time – but the key is is that its y house of cards nobody else’s.

(I haven’t mentioned dFitness and health so much this in this blog, but in my next one I am going to be writing about my running training and my home workouts – which have had to be adapted and changed due to single parenting – watch this space)

Please share with anyone you feel needs some support and any comments or feedback are always welcome

Love

Ruby xx

Redefining the Midlife Crisis

“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you, so that you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.” Paulo Coelho

“Jaques claimed that people in their mid-30s typically experience a depressive period lasting several years. Jaques—a physician and psychoanalyst—said he’d identified this phenomenon by studying the lives of great artists, in whom it takes an extreme form. In ordinary people symptoms could include religious awakenings, promiscuity, a sudden inability to enjoy life, “hypochondriacal concern over health and appearance,” and “compulsive attempts” to remain young.” The Atlantic 2018

This is what has been described as a ‘midlife crisis’. After doing some research into this area, I found out that this ‘condition’ was first really researched at the start of the twentieth century and has now become terminology that we are familiar with. What always comes to mind when thinking about a midlife crisis is one of negative connotations: leaving partners, desperately trying to recapture youth and engaging in risky-type behaviours.

“The Office for National Statistics reports that 40- to 59-year-olds are the most anxious age group. Marshall believes this anxiety is sparked by a sudden awareness of mortality and a fear of failure; the nagging, nightmarish sense that we will never fulfil our true potential.” The Guardian 2016. This may all be true, but having done some deep thinking about this, I believe that rather than being negative – ‘midlife’ is to be embraced.

As lock down is starting to lift, and the school summer holidays begin, I have been, (as I always do anyway at this time of year) reflecting on the year passed. What has gone well? What have I achieved? And the most important question, how do I want the next year to be? These feelings have been gathering momentum the older I am getting which got me to thinking about the term ‘midlife crisis’, exploring the nature of ‘midlife’ and what it means. As mentioned above, I kept coming across negative feelings and behaviour based on fear responses, but I had a nagging feeling that this wasn’t the whole picture.

The more time passes I have grown to believe that heading towards 40 has created sharpened moments of reflection – what has been and what has become. To me a midlife crisis is like the top of a hill or roller coaster before the descent. The first 40 years are climbing the hill, striving to get to the top. Then when you reach 40 – the climb has ended but have all the things you wanted come to pass or is what you wanted at all in the first place? How do you want the descent to be? How are the next 40 years going to be? This is a pivotal moment. My thoughts at the top have been, do I want more of the same? What have I learnt about myself and what I want? My ‘midlife’ moment is not without fear.

Maybe for many they have realisations that what they have is enough, but the reflection is still useful, to be grateful for that and to cherish what you have and your achievements. But what if you are trapped in a cage? What if you are fighting to get out but the outside is terrifying? What if you and your fear which has placed you in that cage? Do you risk the frustration of staying or risk everything by leaving?

I have realised there are parts of my life which need to change. I have been told that we write a story about ourselves – my story has been too negative and has dictated behaviours which have restricted me. Maybe for each person there is more than one story, and maybe the next 40 years we can learn from the story to make a better one, one with more wisdom and the focus to live the life we are capable of living. Lock down has taught us so much about ourselves. Both painful and beautiful, pulling lives clearly into focus – no blurred edges. Maybe for the first time we are free from distractions and can work out what we need, what is important for us, and then give us the tools to move forward.

I feel that every year that has passed I have grown – I hate that expression, but for me my teens and my 20’s were riddled with self-loathing, anxiety and behavior that was chaotic in an attempt to be someone I wasn’t. Getting older – especially in the last year, has brought with it a feeling of self-acceptance, of being more confident in who I am, realising that there is no ‘truth’ but many truths and stories that make up a person. I therefore think the ‘midlife crisis’ should be given a new definition – rather than it being seen as all negative and self-destructive it should be seen as positive, embarrassing who we are – what we have learnt and what our boundaries are, what are we willing to accept? What do we want to change?

I know that I have learnt that my abilities are greater than what I once thought, I have started writing and started running and continue to improve with my exercise – all of which I never thought I could do, I had written a story about myself which stated that ‘you can’t do that, you not a …. type person’ . I know I have written about this before but exercise has opened my eyes to challenging the image I had of myself and has made me braver at taking on new challenges. My ‘midlife crisis’ is one of taking control of my life and making a new, more positive narrative – being a positive role model for my children, being a good friend and not writing myself off, getting out of the cage no matter how terrifying that might be, as I have realised that staying trapped is far more scary

“People may call what happens at midlife “a crisis”, but it’s not. Its an unraveling – a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you’re “supposed” to live..to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are.” Brene Brown

The hidden enemy

“Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.”

William Shakespeare

Self-doubt; the biggest obstacle to your own contentment and happiness. The invisible force that prevents you from doing the things you have always wanted to do, that creates a negative energy that sucks the joy out of new challenges. It spawns jealousy in others who have the self-belief to do the things you have only dreamed of.

It is the voice in your head that says ‘you could never do that…’/ ‘you wouldn’t be any good’ ‘……… is better than you at that so why bother?’ or it can be the real voices around you that claim to support, it can also plant the seeds of this doubt, ‘do you really want to do that?’ or ‘that’s a bit odd’ when you want to try something different. It can be almost impossible at times to silence these or balance them with reality. Sometimes it’s easier to take the road that is most known to you, to opt out, not do it, give up – it feels safer. Why risk failure? Self-respect? It would just confirm what you already know, that you weren’t good enough – so just stick with things as they are.

Now I know that most people will at certain points in their lives (even the most confident ones) question whether what we are doing is good enough. We reconcile certain choices with the idea ‘I wouldn’t be good enough for that’. But for some this debilitating feeling can actually have them living a completely different life to the one that they truly want, what if they had more courage and self-belief then they could be reaching potential they never knew they had.

I believe that an element of self-doubt can be useful, it helps you take certain things seriously, your work hard and you think things through – these can be good. I would say that being ‘self-aware’ is vital in relationships with others and can serve well to ensure that we improve ourselves and can reflect, evaluate and move forward. However there is a fine line when this in-depth analysis can paralysis you into doing the things that you have always wanted to do but felt you couldn’t.

I am writing about this fear, as it is one that I battle with daily and I am sure resonantes with many of us. This could manifest itself in the types of jobs we go for, the groups/sports/challenges we may or may not go for, even to the types of people we surround ourselves with. I have written before about how exercise has helped me so much in dealing with my self-doubt, as when you run a bit faster (or even begin to realise you can run at all!), lift a bit more then you begin to start creating a bank of counter evidence to the ingrained belief that you are not able to do certain things. So below are a few ways in which you might want to try to give yourself a well-needed dose of self-belief

Write a journal or have a notebook where you write down all your accomplishments – I don’t mean huge life accomplishments, small every day successes – you ran further, you started running, you ate well, you actually got the kids dressed before midday! You met a deadline at work, anything – no matter how small. Then when you have a feeling of self-doubt and look back through the weeks – you will be surprised about how much you have done. We always tend to focus on the things that have gone wrong, the failures but actually when you weigh it all up, the successes outweigh every time.

Setbacks as opportunities – If something doesn’t go your way, try not to see this as an excuse to give up. For example, I found out about a friend who had been furloughed, he was concerned that once the furlough period was over he would be one of the ones considered for redundancy. Instead of waiting, he went and learnt about all the other aspects of the company, he went in to help and volunteer, he went on a free course and now the company want him to possibly open a franchise in the area he wants. So he turned a potential set-back into an opportunity.

Choose the voices – if you have ‘friends’ or influences in your life that are not rooting for you, not supporting you and are not your champions, it may be time to rethink their role in your life. Positive energy breeds confidence in the ability to change and try new things. This is not to say you want an army sycophants – good friends will question and help you figure things out, but they will support and encourage if it’s what you want to do.

Wait a day – don’t act hastily ( I am super hasty) don’t delete that email, say no/yes, have a day’s thinking time – self-doubt will be an automatic response so give it a day to have a rational debate with yourself and your important people.

Start small – if some of the things that you want to do seem insurmountable, try and complete small challenges that will help create a sense of achievement and therefore build your confidence. Complete a free online course (I highly recommend the skills network for free courses) try a new exercise or just exercise, the small steps equals big changes in how you view yourself, a person that can.

For me, that voice is still there but I am learning to listen to others that are louder and more positive – it started with exercise but I am starting to realise that the ceiling might not exist.

Love always

Ruby x

Featured

The Brave and the Bold

“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.” Brene Brown

It has been awhile since I have written – this is partly due to a mini crisis of confidence – (why am I writing a blog? What’s the point? etc etc) but also due to the summer holidays. Summer holidays are great but they also present some challenges, such as keeping three small people entertained and from killing each other. So far we have managed to do that and I have also managed to be in keeping with taking up new challenges – again things that I would not have thought possible two years ago.

Before I go in this I had said in my previous blog that I was going to write about going to gyms. I wanted to mention some of my experiences and then some tips that have helped me enjoy going rather than seeing them as palaces of doom.

I had never really been to gyms, when I was at college and university everyone smoked and drank coffee and never went to gyms, gyms were for only the exceptionally sporty – an alien race for me growing up. Fast forward to 2019 and gyms are everywhere and are commonplace in our society, but for me they still held connotations of a world that was removed from me, attractive people being good at sport and everyone staring at everyone else. Don’t get me wrong some gyms are still like this and even recently I went to one and had a small panic attack and was glad to leave, but there are also many that are not like that or not like that at certain times.

Anyway, below are some tips below which I feel have helped me:

Wear something you feel good in, I would go with all black – leggings and top (loose if you are anxious), decent trainers (TK maxx for all of the above). If you feel comfortable and OK and don’t have holes in the crotch this will help. When I first went to a gym, I didn’t have the right clothes – I had old maternity trousers with hole in the crotch and I was standing next to this woman who was like a goddess – and I wanted to cry and nearly ran out – but I had a very good friend with me (remember the power of the right people?) and it was OK, but dont wear clothes with holes in, or stand next to the goddess’s.

Do your research of gyms – this can unfortunately only be achieved by going – day passes are a good idea and many do open days/free trials. Different gyms suit different people AND also think about the times – go when you will actually be able to go – then you can see the type of crowd that go when you do. My gym is great when I go Saturday mornings – quiet, lots of older people, not too many maniacs but at certain times when I have changed my schedule – it’s been full of young people and very crowded

You don’t need a personal trainer if you have a good experienced friend to show you how to use the equipment. I have seen many personal trainers who basically aren’t very good and if you do use one – use your trial gym sessions to watch them with other clients or go on a recommendation

If you feel super anxious when you first start going I would just head to a stationary bike or treadmill and go on there for about 15/20 minutes just to get your bearings and calm down and get adjusted to the new environment.

If you really really hate it and you have tried a few gyms several times then maybe gyms aren’t for you and thats OK to, there are lots of other things you can try (more on that in the future).

I have actually been going to the gym less this holiday and this is not just due to a lack of opportunity. It has been down to me having the confidence and desire to try other activities. I have started playing…netball! Netball used to produce some sort of allergic reaction in me and made me think of scary big girls who were super competitive and popular, but thanks to some encouragement from a friend, I went to play in a casual ‘back to netball’ scheme. It was amazing, and I loved it, partly because everyone was so friendly and even though most of the players were more experienced than me, they totally encouraged and supported me and I have been again and am even thinking about joining a team – literally when I told my mum she was so shocked as in her mind she remembers the old me who would have rather put my hand in a wasps nest then done anything like that.

The other activity that I have tried is..surfing! This one was not quite as successful – not in terms of how I felt but in how hard it was! This one is one that has been something that I have admired from afar and have always believed that its one of those activities that goes beyond being a sport for the mental health benefits that this brings has been widely documented. So I tried with my daughter and although I was pretty awful what I liked about it was that for the first time in as long as I can remember, I wasn’t thinking about anything else but just the sea, not what I looked like or how I was letting myself down, it was completely clear – which was a very powerful feeling. I also loved the fact that I was doing something like this with my daughter rather than standing on the sidelines.

A friend of mine said it was about being brave and bold and this is the attitude I am trying to adopt in all areas – if I can do these two things in a month – what else is possible?

Thanks for reading

Ruby x